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TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_107_James_Tidswell_Violent_Soho | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, going on week five, maybe six in isolation recording live from the budgie smuggler bedroom studios, yeah still trying to socially distance, still trying to do e... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_rick_perry_saturday_night_live | Last week, Republican Presidential candidate Rick Perry came under fire for giving a bizarre, animated speech in New Hampshire, leading some to speculate that he may have been drunk or on medication here to defend himself. Governor Rick Perry my man, Seth in the house. how cool is Seth? All right, well, thank you Gover... |
TheOnion | Rare_Pornographic_Movie_Shot_At_Vatican_For_First_Time_Since_1982_s_Pope_Fisters_IV | Following the announcement of First Communion, the Holy Spookerist, the first hardcore pornographic movie to be filmed in Vatican City since 1982's classic adult feature, Pope Fisters 4, Onion Reporter spoke to Hershel Savage, director of the film. Well, obviously it's a huge honor for me and everyone else involved wit... |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Horrible_Aging_Makeup | Today we're here to talk about horrible aging makeup. When you see a film that a character ages past their actual age, it just doesn't quite look right. It has kind of an uncanny effect.
I want to start off by talking about James Dean and Giant. Giant is George Stevens' classic film.
It spans several generations of a... |
Fitzthistlewits | chess_review | Chess. Chess is a strategy game, and one of the oldest games in existence. Historians have determined that the first game of chess was played sometime in the early 1980s on the Nintendo Entertainment System. Back then of course, it was called Battle Chess, and it was so popular that it inspired a real life board game v... |
TheOnion | Obama_Releases_500_000_Men_From_U_S_Strategic_Bachelor_Reserve | In response to the nation's dire shortage of good men out there, today the Obama administration made the emergency decision to release 500,000 men from the United States Strategic Bachelor Reserve. Chief Director of the eligible male task force, Anne Vinson, made the announcement in a press conference earlier today. Th... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_nicolas_cage_and_bradley_cooper_saturday_night_live | And now it's time for Get In the Cage, a segment where actor Nicholas Cage sits down with fellow thespians to discuss the craft in their recent work. Please welcome Nicholas Cage and Bradley Cooper. Thank you so much for having me, Nick. I am really excited to Get In The Cage. I was very kind to you, Bradley.
Now let'... |
SaturdayNightLive | pudge_solomon_christmas_eve_and_stinky_feet_snl | Oh, my feet have hurt me today. I can't walk around. you stop your bitch, man. it's Christmas Eve, eh? I don't care what day it is, my foot is hurting me. you bitch every day. that your problem. Oh, you bitch, everyday, that's your problem, you bitch. you bitch every eve, Monday eve, Tuesday eve. ooh. I don't care, man... |
dropout | i_hate_scary_movies | Hello? Why don't you want to talk to me? Okay, who is this? Tell me your name and I'll tell you mine. I don't think so. Ooh, what's that noise?
Oh, I'm just melting Junior Mints into a big, globby mess. I only eat Junior Mints at the movies. Well, I'm about to watch a movie, so I'm going to melt this crap up, stick my... |
cracked | 7_most_overused_props_in_hollywood_history_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | I don't understand that, what does that mean? Uh huh. Can you give me an example? Okay, cool.
Four Ghostbusters was a movie about female Ghostbusters that made a bunch of idiots angry on the internet before a script had even been written. It was a movie about male Ghostbusters that would have still made idiots angry o... |
Wizards_with_Guns | guy_fieri_directed_a_movie_and_no_one_s_talking_about_it | The boss wants you dead. I want Donnie dead!
But you make the best sauce in this family. But he makes the best sauce in the family!
So the moment he figures out your secret recipe. The moment I figure out that secret recipe? Your dead meatballs! I'm gonna stab his balls off! My father's very interested in your sauce.... |
TheOnion | Behind_The_Pen_Collective_Wisdom | This is the voice of cartoonist Stan Kelly here. This week's cartoon is called Collective Wisdom.
You got an older adult here, he's a sophisticated adult, and he collects quality DVDs, okay? And you see how I wrote there, he's got complete series. I'm talking about Macmillan and Wife, I'm talking about Canon, I'm talk... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Anya_Taylor_Joy_on_Furiosa_s_WAR_MASK_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | It was slightly terrifying because George had a very specific image of what he wanted. We called it her war mask, how he wanted Furiosa to hold her face. And he was like, you have to trust me, it all lives in your eyes. But obviously as a performer, that's so scary because I'm used to telegraphing everything with, you ... |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_with_marcello_hernandez_protective_mom_2_snl | That buddy has my aunt with like a tattoo peeking out of his chest is so funny. Like a huge tattoo on his chest.
So good. So this is, uh protective mom to the sequel.
I brought a few things for Bonito because we wanted to like, you know I wanted him speaking Spanish and I wanted him like messing around with Spanish s... |
CrackerMilk | how_guys_feel_about_makeup | I'm the wrong person to ask because you don't need to hide who you are behind layers of fake shit. Just the natural look for a woman is what I'm about. Margot Robbie, Kim Kardashian, Kylie Jenner, they don't wear makeup and they're beautiful. Beautiful. Why don't you try it? Like don't hide who you are. You don't need ... |
dropout | mythbusters_does_god_exist | Alright guys, we've got an interesting one this week. We've had a lot of letters about this myth. People want to know, is there a God?
I don't know. One sounds pretty dubious to me.
Hold on now Jamie. God has been in a lot of books and movies, so these people must be onto something. Okay, today we're going to put the... |
wearethesundayblues | stop_the_knot_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Hi there, we're Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues a lot of things annoy us in this world, plenty actually but at the moment I'd say it's the top knot hairstyle that's taking the cake explain what does that look like? okay if you don't know what the top knot hairstyle is about have a look at this, what is this about? it'... |
SaturdayNightLive | science_room_with_steve_martin_and_martin_short_snl | Pbs kids, at 3.30, curious George beyond that same old bullsh. But first, it's the Science room. Oh, chemistry, oh, chemistry, how lovely are thy ions. I love that song sodium much. Hey, kids, I'm Dr. Science. and I'm Mr. Science.
And what better time than the holidays to learn about the science of snow. Helping us ou... |
Wizards_with_Guns | top_10_ways_to_answer_a_call_from_the_president | Is this Dasani? Why would it rain water?
Hello and welcome to Daniel's quiet corner I'm David has this ever happened to you Hello, oh my it is the president of the United States. I do not know what to say how embarrassing Today I'll be showing you the top 10 ways to answer a phone call from the president number nine N... |
cracked | worst_excuse_ever | Cracked asked two of its employees to write, film, and edit a sketch on their lunch break.
This is that. Uh, that's, that's my- Thank God you're here. What? Listen to me. Your very life depends on it. Who are you? I'm you.
From the past. And you're eating my blood. Look, I know it's hard to believe, but you've just g... |
dropout | disney_princess_spring_breakers_trailer | This summer, former Disney Channel stars Let Loose in Spring Breakers. Next summer, former Disney Princesses Let Looser. Cinderella, wake up, wake up.
Slut, we're going to the ball. I'm sick of hanging out with a bunch of bitches. My only friend is a fucking tiger. It's a ball, bitch. I want to be a part of that world... |
TheOnion | Report_Economy_Failing_Because_U_S_Built_On_Ancient_Indian_Burial_Grounds | Liana McKenna spilling in for Clifford Banes, who's starring as Lumiere in the touring company of Disney's Beauty and the Beast. A bipartisan congressional report released this week finds that almost all problems facing the United States are caused by the nation having been built on top of ancient Indian burial grounds... |
dropout | how_to_get_to_hell | Alright guys, so I think this time if we go like really fast, we can fill this sieve up and be out of here before dinner, alright? Bring it in. One, two, three. Sisyphus! Alright, so Trapp has the shortest legs, so he probably shouldn't be runner, so Trapp, oh, huh, where's Trapp? Okay, I'll call him, you guys get star... |
cracked | 90s_comedians_that_are_still_out_there_killing_it_part_1 | One half of the most important comedy show of the 1990s, Mr. Show, David Cross cruised into the 2000s with the successes of Tobias Funke on Arrested Development and multiple Grammy nominations for Best Comedy Album.
He's still doing stand-up today, he's got a new comedy special on Veeps, and you can even see him try o... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_wellness_snl | Man, I have been feeling good lately, just like healthy. Totally. I've been feeling fuego. looking fuego, too. it's so important as we get older that we start taking care of ourselves, you know what I mean? like Wellness. Wellness. Oh, my God. it's so important.
My big thing I'm trying to crack right now is my screen ... |
TheOnion | Mother_Who_Forgot_To_Pay_29_Year_Old_Son_s_Phone_Bill_Reminded_To_Really_Be_Careful_About_That | During a Curt Skype session earlier this afternoon, local Williamsburg resident 29-year-old Cormac Flennigan reminded his mother to, quote, try and be more careful after she forgot to pay his cell phone bill. Mom, the phone company called today about my cell phone bill.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot. No, Mom, ... |
cracked | 4_ways_to_never_get_the_cold_again | Well, it's cold and flu season, I've heard. For most of us young bucks, our bodies are coursing with phagocytes, a real thing. So the threat of serious sickness doesn't mean much, but for all you weak links out there with rundown immune systems, you're pretty much guaranteed at least seven days this winter of congestio... |
TheOnion | Ron_Paul_Makes_Campaign_Stop_In_Whimsical_Jalopy | Later on in the hour, we'll be looking at Obama's campaign promise to put a stop to the constant anxiety of simply being alive. But right now, let's check in with Ron Paul, who arrived today at a rally in Akron, Ohio in his trademark huffing, puffing, wheezy, whimsical, steam-powered jalopy. In a speech, Congressman Pa... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_michelangelo_s_david_defends_art_snl | Last week, a Florida principal was forced to resign after parents were outraged when a photo of Michelangelo's David, a new statue, was shown during a lesson on Renaissance art. here to comment is: Michelangelo's David. hey, thanks for having me. Wow, Michelangelo's David.
Hey. hey, man, I'm sorry, but I'm over here. ... |
cracked | the_mind_blowing_truth_behind_talking_baby_movies_today_s_topic | The answer is John Travolta and Kirstie Alley. So what's the question? The question is, did you just time travel back from a future where I ask dumb questions?
Look who's talking, none of the babies actually talk. Not a question. That's the title of the movie. And the baby in question doesn't ever speak.
He just thin... |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_office_desmond | This is it. This is the door me and that intern found right before he died. Have you ever been inside? No. It's locked, but I believe it's our destiny. It looks like you have to push, but actually- AHH!
WOAH! Is that it? WOAH!
You think he can just waltz in the house and have that's my brother? Oh, shit, he's got it!... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_dazed_and_confused | That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.
Dazed and Confused The 1993 cult classic about what it's like to go through a car wash captivated audiences with its nostalgic aesthetic and instantly lovable characters. Here's some trivia that will change the way you watch Da... |
CrackerMilk | girlfriend_translator | Hey, do you want to go get some ice cream or something? Yeah, I can take you to get some ice cream. You're not going to have any ice cream? No, I had some food before, but I can take you to get some.
Oh. No, that's fine. But you just said you wanted to get ice cream. It's fine.
Hi. Who's that? I'm his girlfriend inte... |
Wizards_with_Guns | how_to_always_get_away_with_sleeping_at_work_ | Hey, Todd, I'm not gonna fall asleep You can't wear that here what's wrong with my shirt the neck pillow Todd I read the handbook cover to cover Todd front to back Todd, please Tip to taint Todd and there's nothing in the dress code about neck pillow. This is a mandatory meeting You have to stay awake. I'm great at sta... |
TheOnion | Markets_In_Turmoil_As_Price_Of_Money_Skyrockets_To_90_A_Dollar | Causing substantial panic among both American consumers and businesses alike, markets went into a frenzy today after the price of money suddenly skyrocketed to $90 a dollar. Onion reporters spoke to economics professor Mark Cosgrave about the soaring cost of U.S. currency and the impact of increasingly unpredictable do... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_new_york_city_rats_carry_covid_berlin_s_topless_pools_snl | A deep-sea diver has announced plans to set a new record by living underwater for 100 days. Feel like the record is longer than that, said the people of New Orleans. Ooh. I don't know why I thought that'd make me laugh. a man in Florida said he was surprised when he heard a knock at the door, and it turned out to be an... |
cracked | hollywood_doesn_t_know_crap_about_bathrooms_yboc | He was Cortez, triumphantly gloating over Montezuma and the Aztec nation. Man, I wish somebody would pillage me.
Well hey there nerds, I'm Dr. Jordan Breeding and my mom says I rely too heavily on bathroom humor but she can be a real poo-poo head sometimes. Anyway, if you're watching your Brain on Crack, the show wher... |
TheOnion | Breaking_Story_So_New_Reporter_Literally_Has_No_Information | When shots rang out at a suburban mall, our team rushed to the scene. Was anyone injured or killed? Had the shooter been apprehended or was he still on the loose? We had no information whatsoever. This was a raw story. The call just came in over the police radio.
We don't have time to set up the sat truck. Yeah, yeah,... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_211_Grace_Tame | Hello listeners thank you for tuning in and just a heads up, in today's episode we discussed some rather heavy and potentially triggering subjects related to mental illness and abuse so we thought we'd just give you the heads up now, there are resources in the show notes. Thank you. How good is Australia? There's fucki... |
SaturdayNightLive | perfectly_frank_saturday_night_live | Good evening. I'm Frank Kincaid. And tonight I'm being perfectly frank with Psychology Professor Dr. Phyllis Wellner and Advertising Executive James Logan. our topic? subliminal Advertising. Dr. Wellner, would you please explain this phenomena?
What we're talking about here is brainwashing. it happens to millions of A... |
dropout | Date_With_Dog_Profile_Person | Hello and welcome to the College Humor podcast. I'm Lily Du and I'm joined here today by... I'm Luke Field. I'm a branded content writer here. I'm Katie Marovitch. I am a cast member writer. And I'm Shane Crown. I'm a producer here.
Yes, and before we get started, we want to announce that all our podcasts are going on... |
SaturdayNightLive | pregnant_in_heels_snl | This week on Bravo, it's an all-new pregnant in Heels. I'm Rosie Pope, maternity concierge. I provide my pregnant clients with anything they want, no matter how extreme. And she's got her work cut out for her with millionaire mummy-to-be Shoshana Bunt. I'm the President of Shoshana Bunt's Pr. we are a Pr firm that repr... |
SaturdayNightLive | evil_boss_snl | And we offer full benefits and three weeks paid vacation. Oh, three weeks.
Wow. yeah. I'm not gonna lie to you, Kurt. you're very high on our list. And we want you to work here very much. So what do you think? I think I want the job. Fantastic. Oh, excellent. great. So we'll give you a passkey and assign you a desk an... |
SaturdayNightLive | charades_snl | You're watching the Game Show Network. did you ever think of reading a book? Coming up next, the 70s classic, Charades. live from Television City in Hollywood, It's America's favorite game show. Charades! today's celebrity, Olympic gold medalist, Bruce Jenner. from other game shows, Nipsey Russell. the kuchy kuchy girl... |
TheOnion | Americans_Have_Lost_Faith_In_Government_Due_To_Both_Parties_Failed_Promises_To_Blow_Up_Mt_Rushmore | The public's trust in government remains historically low, with fewer than three in ten Americans saying they trust their elected officials. So why have Americans lost faith in the U.S. government?
The answer is simple when you consider the fact that both parties have consistently failed to follow through on their pro... |
SaturdayNightLive | black_stereotype_sketch_snl | Where you been boy? up and out. Take the bass out, your baby. take the bass out your voice Boy. I know where you been. if you know where I've been. What? you asking me for that, huh? without drinking and smoking reefers and getting girls pregnant. thank god your mom ain't alive to see it. Hey Pop, What? you lighten up,... |
TheOnion | PSA_Ben_Stiller_Speaks_Out_Against_Shaken_Manchild_Syndrome | This is the Onion News Network. Better news, better viewers.
When I saw his teeth marks in the block of cheese in the refrigerator, I lost control. Did you know shaken man-child syndrome is the second leading cause of death among adult children after choking on buffalo wings? Hi, I'm Ben Stiller. As the star of movies... |
CrackerMilk | an_apple_a_day | Thank you doctors for coming to this very important convention would anyone like to share any concerns? Yeah, I've got some concerns I'm concerned you won't listen to my demands. Why should we listen to you?
What do you want free health care? Shorter waiting times better hospital food. I want what all the people want ... |
cracked | why_invisibility_is_the_worst_superpower_antiheroes_episode_2 | Previously on anti telekinesis, super for you here Curse these curses must remain secret thing can might know guys. I know about the power Nobody use your power.
It's too dangerous get to work Hello. Hey, hi This call is an attempt to collect a debt and it will be recorded for quality assurance May I confirm your soci... |
cracked | 5_sex_scenes_made_by_people_who_ve_never_had_sex | I'll bet if you're watching this video, there's a good chance you've seen a movie that contains a sex scene. It's everywhere. Hell, the first time you ever really dealt with sex might have been watching a movie that had a sex scene in it.
Which means you have been wronged, my friend. We are seeing falsehood. We have b... |
cracked | the_surprisingly_deep_canon_of_mcdonald_s_mascots_canonball | The modern state of McDonald's is a sad, greasy shadow of what it once was. Instead of a proud, golden-arched monument of plenty provided by capitalism, it's a dark, tiled refuge for grown adults having a depressive episode. For a good long while, McDonald's was the most delectable meal a sticky-fingered child could ho... |
dropout | To_Protect_and_Serve_Sometimes_Kingpin_Katie | Yeah, so then I'll basically just go into the kitchen, you know, pop it into the microwave, put it on for 35, 45 seconds, and after that it's my salty vegetables. That's interesting. Yeah, it's one of my better stories. Yeah, I nearly put this thing in the trunk.
It goes off all the time. Suspect is now holding a fami... |
dropout | ghosts_get_caught_having_weird_sex_the_schining_pt_5 | Well, this is embarrassing. I thought I closed that. Yeah. Well, you didn't, Frank. The door's wide. Fuckin' worth it. Yeah, I know that now! I said I was going to put on something more comfortable, close the door, and sit on the bed.
She probably didn't even see anything. She was probably just like, whoa, that's some... |
cracked | black_friday_the_news_on_cracked | I'm Lex Friedman and this is the news on Cracked, now with full motion picture technology. 80's band The Romantics have filed a federal lawsuit against the makers of Guitar Hero, saying that the popular video game infringes on the band's rights by featuring a cover of their hit What I Like About You that sounds almost ... |
dropout | the_new_iphone_is_just_worse | Most companies strive to make their products better but at Apple we pride ourselves on thinking different that's why with the iPhone 7 we've done something that at first seems counterintuitive and then is we've made it worse. We removed the headphone jack and that's all that's the new that's the newness right there it'... |
TheOnion | Fun_Toy_Banned_Because_Of_3_Stupid_Dead_Kids | We're learning more today about the security failures that led to the deadly D.C. riots at the Capitol earlier this month. Hear why Congress is now launching a full investigation as to why the Capitol Dome's giant atomic vaporizing ray wasn't deployed to eviscerate the rioters. From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, this... |
dropout | a_couple_decides_what_porn_to_watch | What do you want to watch tonight, babe? Don't ask me. Whatever I want to watch, you will not be in the mood for. Okay, well then why don't we watch something that we both want to watch?
All right. Tip Warriors. Just got really bad reviews. Ass Plungers?
No, I saw it recently. Oh, what about Hardcore Handjaw Volume 4... |
cracked | friendly_fire_marshal | A little early to be campaigning for office fartsmen, isn't it? It's uh, office fire marshal. I'm running for it. Our last one died in a fire. Cool. The fire is awesome. It's a bold strategy, but I'm actually campaigning on a platform of preventing fire.
Not on my watch! And I'll tell you why, troops. Fire is nature's... |
SaturdayNightLive | shana_at_a_halloween_party_snl | Wow Patrick, you really went all out for this Halloween party. Yeah. well, Mr. Turkins is coming. I had to make it look good for the boss. yeah, he's gonna love it. Speaking of love, I hope that new girl. Shannon's coming. Oh, she is super sexy. Oh, yeah. yeah, it's like she stepped out of a pantyhose ad. Watch out Bos... |
dropout | obama_takes_his_shutdown_government_to_the_apple_store | Okay Barry. Yeah.
Hey, how can I help you today? Well, I was hoping that you could take a look at my government It's shut down and I really need it to work.
Okay. Just walk me through what happened. Well It's a pretty old model, but it's been reliable for quite some time And then I tried to load some custom programs ... |
cracked | pocket_film_festival_30_shot_clock_challenge_submit_to_our_film_festival | If you want in on this movie star lifestyle, all you gotta do is submit an entry to the cracked smartphone, very short film competition. What does that look like, you ask? Well, for example...
But before I even finish my sentence, I get interri- oh, sorry. Probably Cody. He's been butt dialing me all day. Cody, I- Shh... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jimmy_fallon_on_the_new_star_wars_movie_snl | This week the first advanced reviews of the new Star Wars movie came out. Really excited about it is Jimmy Fallon. In two weeks the big movie comes out and I'm totally psyched to see it man. the build-up is Huge.
I mean, there's people camped out for weeks just to get tickets, you know, every morning there's a line ar... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_costas_popakanstantis_on_olympics_construction_snl | With the opening ceremonies of the 2004 Athens Summer Olympics less than 100 days away, major sections of the Olympic facilities have yet to be completed. Here to talk about the progress of the construction is Olympic Supervising contractor, Costas Papakanstantas.
Hello, Jimmy. Tina. Ticanes Kukla, Yeah. it's so good ... |
dropout | Real_Adults_Don_t_Order_Dessert | So then I said, what? Oh God, I'm so full if I keep laughing like this I'm going to puke again. I'm so sorry Raph. No biggie. May I interest anyone in some dessert?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Thank you. Get that away. No thank you, no no no. Thank you.
Oh Rekha, if you want something you should get it. I mean you de... |
TheOnion | Town_s_Teen_Pregnancy_Spike_Due_To_One_Impressive_Youth | This is the Onion News Network report first ask questions later Teenage pregnancy rates have been declining across the state.
But here in Pennington, they've jumped almost 30% That's right Blake experts say that the increase can be attributed mainly to Cody a handsome teen whose family moved here from Abbotsford last ... |
cracked | how_star_trek_nemesis_made_tom_hardy_a_drug_addict | Many people don't know Tom Hardy starred in a Star Trek film. Tom Hardy wishes he was in that group.
Early on in his career, he appeared in Star Trek Nemesis as Captain Picard's younger, silkier, telepathic, rapist-year clone. It was... not a good movie. And the 25-year-old actor dealt with this fact by self-medicatin... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_23_8_18_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | Remember those cute kid shows you used to love?
Hiya folks! Well fuck me!
Well not like this you don't. 50 Cent's our second fuck.
The bulletin this week is brought to you by the Happytime Murders, which is out now in cinemas around the country. Yeah it's a puppet movie Del, but jeez it's a far cry from Sesame Stree... |
TheOnion | Breaking_News_Some_Bullshit_Happening_Somewhere | Now in a desperate attempt to fill 24 hours of programming, here's some bullshit that happened somewhere today. We've got some footage here of the bullshit which began just after 3 o'clock this afternoon when residents in this neighborhood were shocked to see this fairly common thing happening. An attractive witness de... |
dropout | star_wars_asmr_and_hitler_frisbees_collegehumor_comment_show | Last time we did this, we said, comment showbie gobie, like Letterman would start doing it. Comment a showbie gobie.
I am under consideration to take over for Craig Ferguson. It's down to me and Chelsea Handler.
I'll never go to the womb.
CBS, please. We started, this is a, we're doing like a Mark Madden thing where... |
dropout | if_characters_said_what_their_actors_tweeted | What we do in life, echos in eternity, for the glory of Rome, circumcision is stupid, babies are perfect! I want the truth. You can't handle the truth.
Wow, there are a lot of people with the name Bieber in their name. Wait what? You could figure out how to turn Justin Bieber's name into energy. What does that have to... |
SaturdayNightLive | abby_the_ex_girlfriend_snl | That movie was wild. Yeah, Paddington 3 was not what I expected. that was cocaine, Bear. Okay, see, I was so worried about Paddington.
Oh, shoot, Abby, Graham is here. Abby, I mean, we can totally leave. Look, y'all, it's been three years. I can be around my ex. I'm totally cool.
Hey, stranger. how are you, mama? Abb... |
cracked | what_your_favorite_video_game_says_about_you_after_hours | I know, I know, I know, I'm sorry.
I just got really caught up playing Fallout. I didn't know you liked video games. Michael's the video game one.
I don't! It's a big glowing red weak spot on my pop culture knowledge. That joke scans, right? Video game bosses still have glowing red weak spots?
Aha! I knew it! Squire... |
cracked | we_remade_doctor_strange_2_for_20 | Every night, I dream the same dream. What's wrong, Strange? And then the day choking begins.
Are you happy? Of course I'm happy. Why wouldn't I be happy?
We've come to control everything, Strange. You're wrong. I did what I had to do. To protect our world. Wanda. I need your help. I have a boyfriend.
What do you kno... |
programmersarealsohuman | i_visit_startup_ | Can you actually hotbox in the metaverse? Can I ask anybody if they know what hotboxing in the metaverse means? Yeah, smoking weed and getting high in a box. Jermaine, what was your best experience in this? Hotbox in the metaverse?
But how does it work? Do you do it before? I don't think it does. It doesn't work? That... |
TheOnion | Horrified_Subway_Execs_Assumed_People_Were_Buying_Footlongs_To_Share_With_A_Friend | The Subway restaurant chain has reacted with shock this week after executives discovered that many customers are apparently purchasing foot-long sandwiches and eating the entire 12 inches by themselves. A spokesperson for the company addressed reporters this morning. This is not how our products are intended to be cons... |
cracked | the_terrifying_reason_why_pennies_still_exist | Find a penny pick it up all day long you'll have good luck unless of course pennies are actually the source of our country's debt Not very lucky Those cute little tinkling copper colored coins are actually hurting our economy just by making them now how does making money lose us some money you might ask I'll tell you b... |
dropout | the_facebook_history_of_the_world_part_1 | College Humors, a history of the world via Facebook's News Feed. The Big Bang to the Dawn of Man. Aw yeah, stuff's about to get cool and crazy up in and infinitely around here.
I'm new here, what should I do? Oh, you should meet my friend, Water. He's new too.
Oh hey, let's chill. Okay, I love you so much. I want to ... |
dropout | nerdy_new_york_nerd_alert | Welcome back to Nerd Alert, brought to you by the Sony Ericsson Xperia Play 4G. I am Jeff Rubin, and every holiday season literally trillions of people visit New York City. But where are the places to go for people that don't like going places? Today we are going to take a look at the nerdy underground of New York, inc... |
TheOnion | Report_76_Of_Sleepaway_Campers_Parents_Beginning_Trial_Separation | A new report released this week by the U.S. Administration for Children and Families has found that nearly three-quarters of sleep-away campers' parents are currently using their children's time away from home to take the first steps towards filing for divorce. Our research shows that as the nation's campers enjoy wate... |
dropout | his_netflix_is_f_cked_up | Oh, you have a nice apartment. Yeah, well, uh, I like nice things. Listen, I'm going to use the bathroom, but why don't you make yourself at home? Okay. I know I shouldn't snoop, but... What's up? Hey, I'm at his apartment. I'm looking at his Netflix. And?
He likes the new girl in Hitler. Ew, Zooey Deschanel is the wo... |
dropout | can_you_tell_a_sports_drink_from_a_body_wash | You ever notice how sports drinks sound exactly like body washes I have I spent a lot of time in CVS We're gonna play a game each person's gonna get a cup of sports drink and a cup of body wash and we'll have to Decide based on name alone, whether it's drinkable or soap. Welcome to sports drink or body wash Our first c... |
TheOnion | Has_Obama_Failed_To_Reduce_Hostility_Toward_Obnoxious_Americans_Abroad | I'm Juliana McCandless, filling in for Clifford Bains, who sawed his fingers off building a birdhouse.
When President Obama took the oath of office, many thought it would improve the image of America around the world, but a new report finds American tourists traveling abroad are still often treated poorly. Has Obama f... |
SaturdayNightLive | shirtless_bible_salesmen_snl | Hey there, pretty lady. my name's Leif Barrett. this is my partner, Kent State. we're shirtless and we sell bibles. Now, you, you look like the kind of pretty lady who could use a bible, or 12. But seriously, how many bibles would you like to buy? Sorry, guys, I'm not interested in buying any bibles today. Well, that's... |
SaturdayNightLive | video_game_session_snl | Okay guys, thank you for being here to lay down some voiceover for the much anticipated Street Fighter 6 game. Excited to be here, Thanks. thrilled to be on board, Woo! And thanks for coming in last minute, Danny. our last actor, Frank, quit due to creative differences and because I slept with his wife. actors.
I know... |
TheOnion | Study_Majority_Of_Children_Lack_Strong_Male_Supermodels | According to a report released today by the US Department of Health and Human Services, the vast majority of American children lack the presence of a strong, sculpted male supermodel with less than 4% of youngsters being taught the important values of respecting runway etiquette, maintaining a glistening six-pack, and ... |
dropout | turtle_race_episode_1 | Welcome to the 2010 National Elementary School Turtle Racing Final. Hello, everyone.
I'm Claude Barker alongside Jerome Bettis, one of sports most celebrated colored commentators. Colored commentator? That was an unfortunate verbal misstep on my part, Jerome.
But we're happy to have you. I'm happy to be here, Claude.... |
dropout | If_Google_Was_a_Guy_Quarantine_Edition_Full_Series | Next! Google! Six feet away please. Am I glad to see you! I'm sure you have questions about the pandemic.
Are rhinos elephants? Are... what?
Toilet paper in bulk. Sold out. Sorry. Uh, paper towel in bulk? Sold out too. Tissue paper in bulk. Sold out. You know, in olden days, we just used rags. Underwear in bulk. Very... |
TheOnion | Feds_Break_Up_Brutal_Las_Vegas_Man_Fighting_Ring | The Prime Minister of Norway gets laid, Grandma updates to a cordless landline, and George R.R. Martin assures fans that these last two are going to be real turds. Welcome to a new year filled with fresh and vivid reminders of your own mortality. This is the Onion Week in Review. President Obama openly asked the nation... |
dropout | obama_comes_out | Barack Obama. Hi. I'm dropping in on everyone who voted for me. Because I have something very important to share.
Yeah. Oh, come on in. So. Okay. Uh, I don't talk about this a lot. Uh. Barack, just say it. Okay. Mmm. Okay.
I support gay marriage. We are so proud of you.
Oh, God. Oh. So worried. So come on, buddy.
W... |
dropout | the_cool_stuff_we_d_do_if_we_were_ghosts | So, if I were a ghost, I would be very petty. I would visit all of my ex-girlfriends, and right as they were about to have sex with another guy, I'd put a photo of myself right in this dude's eye line, and it would be like me and my ex making out at the Grand Canyon, or going skydiving, or I'd leave a voice message whi... |
cracked | 4_musical_performances_that_will_ruin_your_childhood_spit_take_theater | Hello the audience, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien, I am the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and today we're listening to Sanctify, on which Betty Wright sings about being born again, and Rick Ross calls himself the fresh David Koresh. And speaking of shit that was way less hilario... |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_three_white_guys_who_write_your_dreams | You're telling me after 8,637 consecutive episodes, you bozos got nothing? Do I need to remind you how lucky you are to be here?
This industry is a writer's dream! Well that's cause we're dream writers!
Interior. He's at school, but it's also his house. Good, good. It's a birthday party! What's the theme? Blood. I lo... |
cracked | why_most_video_games_are_basically_the_same_the_order_escort_mission | This game looks cool. Yeah, that's basically all it does. Looks cool.
You never get to actually play the game. Why so angry? It's very un-gamer-y. I'm angry because they delayed this game for a year and a half and it was one of the big selling points for the PS4 launch two November's ago. Now it's finally here and it ... |
dropout | When_Your_Favorite_Old_Shows_Don_t_Hold_Up | You want to watch The Amazing Welsh Broiling Tournament? Seen it. What about a documentary by Jack the Ripper that's supposed to have never before seen footage? Vinged it. Twice.
Oh wait, Netflix got the rights to chums! It's my favorite show growing up! Oh yeah, chums!
My mom used to never let me watch it. It was li... |
TheOnion | The_Dangers_Of_Hot_Soda_Dr_Good_Ep_10 | Do you want to be a pallbearer at Dr. Goode's funeral? Fuel the label off specially marked Dr. Goode Select medications and you can enter to win.
Today we're taking a look at sugar and you might not realize it, but there's sugar in almost everything these days, even bread. And one of the biggest culprits in the sugar ... |
cracked | 3_dumbass_expert_plans_to_solve_the_student_loan_crisis | Everybody in America agrees. Sh** is just too damn expensive now, man. And whether it's health care, taxes, student loans, or James Cameron's avatar, Americans are increasingly united in their passion to find a way not to pay. In recent months, the looming student debt crisis has taken over our national consciousness l... |
dropout | official_spoiler_rules | We're glad you watch our shows. And we're even happier you enjoyed talking about them.
But in this era of DVR, DVD, and the internet, not everybody's watching at the same time. And this led to many friends, family members, even co-workers fighting over spoilers.
Spoilers.
We want to stop spoiler fights once and for ... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_It_s_A_Wonderful_Life | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'm going to be looking at Frank Capra's beloved 1946 film, It's a Wonderful Life, a Christmas classic about a selfless and kind-hearted man who learns a remarkable lesson about the positive impact his life has had on those aro... |
cracked | pittsburgh_s_fake_burger_king | Have you ever wanted to own and operate your own illegal Burger King with some of your closest friends? Well, in 2014, some people in Pittsburgh did it. So there was this Burger King, and for about a week, none of the food tasted like Burger King, which is normally a bonus. None of the packaging said Burger King, as th... |
TheOnion | all_online_data_lost_after_internet_crash | As you may know, the entire internet has crashed. More now on our continuing coverage. Welcome back. Details are still emerging tonight about this evening's top story. The government is still dealing with the repercussions of the fatal error message that appeared on millions of computer screens worldwide less than two ... |
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