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TheOnion | Cowboys_Presumed_Thanksgiving_Win_To_Cause_Nation_To_Vomit_Up_Dinners | Eating lunch on Thanksgiving is always weird, but we're confronting the problem head on. This is the power lunch. Let's start with something disgusting.
Fans nationwide are waiting for the Cowboys to beat the Dolphins so that everybody can vomit up their Thanksgiving meal. That's why the Cowboys play every Thanksgivin... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_10_dr_anne_aly_talks_canberra_bs | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic, so talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today.
Tease and Seize Apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details.
I'm Clancy Ove... |
dropout | Class_President_Needed_for_One_Last_Job | Lunch can not just consist of pickles. It is not a meal. It's a really big pickle. I don't care. Katie Maravich.
Richard Montgomery High, class president of 2009. Principal Ford, I knew this day would come. As student body president, I need you to plan the ten year reunion. You know I'm out of student government. I gr... |
dropout | hardly_working_introspective_jake | You're still not using hotmail?
You're really sweet. What's up, gentlemen? I wanted to introduce you to my cousin. This is Anastasia Gerwich. Nice to meet you.
I'm Blevin. Kevin. Hi, I'm Black. Fuck me. Not literally. I'm Pat.
Hey, Jake. Nice to meet you. Come on, I'll show you the rest of the office. Smooth, guys. ... |
TheOnion | Volatile_India_Pakistan_Standoff_In_11_680th_Day | The world is holding its breath tonight as the terrifying nuclear standoff between India and Pakistan enters its 11,680th day. We take you now to Onion News Network reporter Dan Booker live on the India-Pakistan border. Dan, what is the scene like there? Andrea, not unlike the calm before the storm, it is eerily quiet ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Tech_Support_Late_Night_TV_Legal_Action_January_8 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap, on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate news bulletin. We are still in the studio, we're still here slaving away in the newsroom. News never sleeps in the Diamantina Shire, I said it before. Thank you for joining us. My name is Clancy Over... |
dropout | how_to_braid_your_hair_like_in_game_of_thrones | Hey, it's me, Effie, here to help you jazz up the pain. I mean, plane. Jazz up the pain. Plane.
Braids have become synonymous with powerful women. So many strong female characters are sporting this look.
I bet none of them ever got dumped three times by the same guy.
But perhaps my favorite braided badass? You guess... |
cracked | 7_movies_that_put_insane_amounts_of_work_into_small_details | Seven. Details. In movies. Really.
Difficult to make a theory. It takes me anywhere between six weeks to six months to design and knit one of my conceptual type of sweaters. There are two thousand notebooks on these shelves on each note.
Detonator set to zero altitude. Detonator set to zero.
It stands. Everybody her... |
cracked | why_there_aren_t_more_thanksgiving_comedies_outtakes | Okay. I think that's a wrap. Okay. We'll then back on topic.
Parades. Thanksgiving topic. Parades. There is at least a parade.
Like whose idea was that? What if we just show the footage of that, the real Macy's Thanksgiving Day, and we just do voices on top? It's the people that announced the parade. No, no, no. We d... |
cracked | 5_ways_gamers_are_holding_back_the_games_they_love | Hey America, I'm crack senior editor Josh Sargent, and I'm here to talk about video games specifically to say Now we let them down guys They were supposed to be the future Interactive storytelling was supposed to surpass movies as the new art form of a new generation, but we won't let it We're holding them back because... |
dropout | celebrity_halloween | Look at these little kids, everyone take a red bow and bar cut. You get a Butterfinger, you get a Butterfinger, you get a Butterfinger Factory! I know y'all are wondering what I'm getting out this year. I'm happy to announce I've been sponsored by Peanut Chews. Peanut Chews, these suck! Yeah, I gotta do what's best for... |
dropout | comedian_gets_his_big_lunch_break | Please put your names together real loud for Mr. Kendrick Reich, everybody! Whoo! My goodness! What's up, guys? I'm Kendrick.
I got a boring lunch. Same thing every single day. Please, help me make a lunch bowl.
Okay, yeah. Alright, let's go. Kendrick? Uh, yeah. Hey, how's it going? My name's Adam. Hey, you said you ... |
TheOnion | Parenting_Expert_Has_Nerve_To_Tell_You_How_To_Raise_Your_Own_Goddamn_Kids | Coming up later in the hour, we're going to learn about the strange devices Chinese people use instead of forks. But first, our parenting expert Rebecca McCallum is here with some advice.
Good morning, everybody. Good morning, Rebecca.
Now, Rebecca runs a popular parenting blog called Mom Magic. That's right. It's ab... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Why_Anya_Taylor_Joy_didn_t_contact_Charlize_Theron_before_playing_Furiosa_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE | You're playing a character that has already been established. Can you tell me about bringing yourself to that? And did you talk to Charlize before or after kind of constructing your own version of Furiosa? I didn't talk to her before because I knew how much she cared about her. And I think that if I had been in her pos... |
dropout | the_torso_pilot | Terrible!
How is he so powerful? He's Manila Gorilla! He's the mind's gorilla strength at the power of Bauge!
Oh, as you can see, things are a little crazy right now, so you can probably stick around. But yeah, this is where I work. And live. Well, huh? Yeah. Who is that?
Hi, I'm Jessica. Brody wanted to show me his... |
TheOnion | BREAKING_Hundreds_Feared_Dead_In_Coors_Light_Party_Train_Crash | If you're just tuning in, a horrific accident, dozens are dead and hundreds more injured after the Coors Light party train crashed in Pratt, Kansas. The train was barreling through a field on its way to liven up a boring, overheated barbecue when something went wrong. Partiers were thrown hundreds of feet from the trai... |
dropout | hardly_working_cool_english_teacher | Came across a very cool English teacher over in Trenton, New Jersey Teaches middle school thought I might be able to bring him in and give you guys a few pointers So without further ado, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Gourwish Okay. Well, Mr. Gourwish is my great granddad's name. You guys can call me Mr. G. All right... |
SaturdayNightLive | brendan_gleeson_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Brendan Gleason! thank you. thank you very much. Hi, I'm Brendan Gleason. if you don't recognize the accent, I'm Irish. Whoo!
And if you don't recognize the face, I'm that fella that you've seen and that thing that you can't remember but you think you kind of liked. Yeah, that was me. Let me see.... |
TheOnion | Covid_19_Patients_Flung_Out_Hospital_Windows_As_Public_Emergency_Ends | The coronavirus pandemic has officially ended, and hospitals are celebrating by fleeing COVID-19 patients out the windows. Ever since the World Health Organization declared the pandemic over, bodies have been piling up on the asphalt outside of top hospitals across the country, where many doctors and nurses are saying,... |
dropout | My_Five_Bosses_A_Steamy_Silicon_Valley_Fantasy | Hello, and welcome to erotic book club the book club where we read erotic books I am your host Jess with me as always is my co host Rekha Rekha is here.
Thank you so much for being here whether you are listening wherever you get your podcasts whether you are checking us out on ch2 or whether you are getting us at our ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_judge_ketanji_brown_jackson_confirmed_obama_s_return_to_the_white_house_snl | I'm Colin Jost. the Senate confirmed Katanji Brown Jackson, making her the first Black woman to serve on the Supreme Court. I'll drink to that, said Brett Kavanaugh. Justice. Justice Jackson was honored Friday at a White House ceremony and said, we have come a long way toward perfecting our union, which is a direct quo... |
TheOnion | Tim_Tebow_Becomes_First_Christian_To_Play_In_NFL_Sports_Year_in_Review | Welcome to the last Get Out of My Face of 2011. We're celebrating with guns to our heads. My New Year's resolution is not to have a gun to my head anymore. Let's lock, load, and count down the year's top stories.
Biggest NFL story of 2011, Tim Tebow's been a lightning rod not because he's bad, everyone knows he's bad,... |
TheOnion | Porkin_Miranda_Lambert_Porkin_Across_America_Ep_4 | Across another state off the list, I'm in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for another heaping plate of pork, which I'll be sharing with country music sensation Miranda Lambert. And I might even get to enjoy some pork with family. Let's go! We're tasting prime pork dishes in every state reunion. And I'm not done until I hit th... |
SaturdayNightLive | white_trash_around_a_campfire_saturday_night_live | How about this? This guy's not afraid of mine. he's one of my cousins. he goes to a t-shirt shop, right? the kind where you can buy those letters that you put iron on. he goes to that and he gets them to put on the front of his shirt. N-i-k-e. Nike. I don't know who that guy is, but he's stupider than A. I mean, that'd... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_claims_biden_is_on_cocaine_earthquake_rattles_northeast_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. thank you very much. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, yesterday, everyone in New York pretended they felt an earthquake. Just admit it, you thought it was wind. this earthquake was actually the best possible d... |
SaturdayNightLive | mr_produce_saturday_night_live | It's from the garden with Mr. Produce himself, Tony Cecilia. Hi, hi, hello everybody and welcome to From the Garden. I'm Tony Cecilia, It may be December, but my California garden is still teeming with tasty produce like these sweet potatoes, right here. they're loaded with Vitamin A, so what do you say? we pump up the... |
dropout | the_confidence_challenge | Hello, I'm Brian Murphy, and I'm Jenny Jaffe. They say with confidence. You can do anything We're about to put that notion to the test with our confidence Challenge See how we sold that that's confidence Zach your challenge is gonna be to approach a lady stranger and engage in conversation for two full minutes But the ... |
SaturdayNightLive | total_bastard_airlines_snl | This concludes the safest part of your journey.
Thank you for flying Total Bastard Airlines. We had Total Bastard Airlines are bitter tend to take that out on our passengers. We had Total Bastard Airlines. realize that in your travel plans you have a choice of many airlines, so we'd like to thank you for choosing to f... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_ras_trent_saturday_night_live | Yeah! Ross-de-farian-ism. yes, I, Ross Trent, But a ding, ding, ding, ding. Whoa! Who knew no one guessed me. Champion's Down? Oh, Fire Pond, Babylon, And Fire Pond, a beast, a boy. rude boy living in the shanty dorms. my roommate, Nick, is an ignorant bald head. Now chant down Babylon, midterm essays, then puff from d... |
SaturdayNightLive | jim_jordan_cold_open_snl | No person having received a majority of the votes cast, a speaker has not been elected. No, I didn't win, Honey. No, not this time either.
No, it's okay. no, I'm feeling good. Okay, I'll see you at home, sweetie. Okay, bye-bye, bye-bye Mr. Jordan, do you need another phone?
Yes, Kayla, please. Oh, how did I lose? Thi... |
cracked | how_microsoft_flight_simulator_tried_to_destroy_the_world_cracked_responds | Hey you guys, thank you so much for hanging out and watching this it's kind of a personal response It's just a piece of the 90s. I like it's a flight simulator 2000 like hype video It's like get people into the game. It's very you can see Martha and John. Okay, they're very like those 90s polos and the graphics Yeah fl... |
TheOnion | USDA_Official_Takes_Brave_Stand_Against_Interstate_Potato_Pricing | The Department of Agriculture has passed internal referendum 53-A converting to a counter cyclical price setting program in the Idaho interstate potato market. The referendum will be enacted within 90 days pending a lot of approval that we expect to really have. I can't do this. This referendum should never have even b... |
CrackerMilk | hooking_up_with_a_horse_girl | Thanks for coming over. I just wanted to let you know that I never do this, but you are such a stallion. Oh, thank you. How do you feel about pet names?
Oh, I'm... I'd call you Cinnamon. Cinnamon? I love your mane. I could just brush it for hours and hours and hours. Oh, I'm so sleepy.
Maybe we could go to the bedroo... |
dropout | video_letter_to_mom | Hi, Mom. Thanks for buying me this video camera. I know you wanted me to use it to document what I do on a day-to-day basis, so I'm going to do exactly that. This is my video letter to you. Usually, I start every day by going over to my best friend, Jake's house, who lives right here. He's expecting me. Hello? It's me.... |
SaturdayNightLive | can_t_tonight_snl | Man, what a good time we're having tonight. hey, guys, what can I get you? Oh, I'm going to have a beer. And can I have a Yin and Tony? and for you, sir? Oh, para, mi, Mami.
Cuban liberation. got it. And sorry for asking, but I'm noticing some accents. I love countries. where are you guys from? Oh, I'm Dominican. man,... |
TheOnion | How_Do_Construction_Workers_Push_Their_Bodies_To_Finish_Olympic_Stadiums_On_Time | The 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro feature 16 brand new sports venues to accommodate over 300 events. To build these arenas, construction teams push themselves to their physical and mental limits as they race to finish before the opening ceremonies. We wanted to know what it takes to make it on a stadium construction ... |
dropout | clown_vote | We've heard from a lot of voters this political season, but no one has interviewed this one important demographic. This is the clown vote, I'm Patrick Castles. I'm joined by Banjo, Funshine, Professor Kaboom, Mr. Magico, Petunia, Holly Day, Kiki Pompom, Banana Peel. Thank you all for being here. I'd like to start with ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tracy_morgan_talks_darryl_strawberry_saturday_night_live | After leaving his court-ordered drug treatment program, Strawberry was missing for two days, and at one point it was reported that he had been kidnapped. here to explain what happened, our own Tracy Morgan. As you all know, my man, Darryl Strawberry, was arrested earlier this week. people ask, how could this happen? wh... |
cracked | why_juice_is_secretly_terrible_for_you | It's morning, and you want to start your day right with a healthy breakfast, a cup of coffee, and a big ol' glass of DEATH. That was a little dramatic. But I'm not wrong.
Hi, I'm Carmen Angelica, and I'm going to tell you a few reasons why fruit juice is the worst. Juice consumption is making those who drink it fat we... |
dropout | all_nighter_art_heist | College humor is all murder! What are you doing? Emily's my day name. By night, I am a master art thief. They call me The Mole. Because of my keen senses.
Aren't moles blood? Maybe some... And death? And fat with like little chubby arms?
Shut up. What's important is, The Mole has broken into the museum of modern art ... |
dropout | birth_control_methods_keep_getting_weirder | Hey, did you guys know that Sarah is so afraid of getting pregnant that she's on the pill but she still takes Plan B like all the time? Well, it's only $50 a pop, so I feel like that's worth it for the peace of mind. Totally. Which is why Barry and I are on this new method where they zapped my uterus into a dormant pha... |
dropout | the_crucial_man_financial_tips | This is the Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hi, I'm John Gabris, here to give you all the crucial information you need to become a man. It's time to grow up and stop asking your dad for money. Today we're going to be talking about credit card debt. Welcome to Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco.
Who? ... |
cracked | what_every_year_in_review_is_totally_missing_this_year_the_cracked_podcast | Put your hands together for the Cracked. What's up, UCB Sunset? Welcome to this year-end Cracked live podcast. My name's Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked. And joining me on stage, he is Cracked's resident font of sexual charisma. Mr. Alex Schmitty the Clam Schmuck. Hi. And a hilarious stand-up who has a... |
SaturdayNightLive | wikileaks_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | And now, a message from the President of the United States. good evening, my fellow Americans. yesterday, I traveled to Afghanistan to speak with our brave men and women serving in the armed Services. while the way forward may be difficult. Hello, America.
I'm Julian Assange, founder of Wikileaks. and I've taken over ... |
dropout | hardly_working_muddy_jake | Hey, what are you guys laughing at? Did I do something cool again? Looks like someone needs a bubble bath. Wait, what?
This is the world's largest face uploader. Let's just put in this picture of you from Sunday afternoon and zoom in real big.
And ouch. Alright, alright. We have made a fool of Jake, you guys. A fool!... |
TheOnion | Are_Our_Children_Learning_Enough_About_Whales | I'm Juliana McAnus, sitting in for Clifford Baines, who stormed off after seeing our new set.
An audit of the U.S. Department of Education has found that 84 percent of the National Elementary School budget is currently allocated solely for teaching students about whales. But is this enough? Should we be teaching our c... |
dropout | the_bizarre_truth_about_purebred_dogs_and_why_mutts_are_better_adam_ruins_everything | Oh, my God, look at that pug! Oh, I want him! Oh, but that shits you know I want him.
Mmm, these are the best dogs. Actually, those are the worst dogs.
Adam, please don't ruin this for me. Sorry, I'm going to.
Hi, I'm Adam Conover, and not only are so-called purebred dogs riddled with genetic disease, but dog breeds... |
dropout | internet_commenter_funeral | Howard Mandelbaum was a friend, a co-worker and a loving father and after a long battle he finally succumbed to cancer.
Boned. First. Incorrect. Still a dick? Fake.
There's nobody in that grave. Pixar, it didn't happen.
Guys, please, Howard was like a father. Mandelbaum, FTL. Saying FTL, FTL. FTW, FTW.
Oh, so simil... |
cracked | president_donald_trump_is_actually_good_mark_zuckerberg_is_actually_not_some_news | Okay, here's a welcome to some news, and I'm the news person that reads it to you. The Chinese government has teleported a photon to a satellite via quantum entanglement, a phenomenon in which two or more particles' quantum states are linked even if the particles are separated by a great distance, so do something to on... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_Big_News_A_Failed_Attempt_A_Frustrated_Mum_More_December_2 | Hello and welcome to the Betuda Weekly News Bulletin, it is Friday the 2nd of December, summer is officially here, fair to say the pollen season probably has gone or the worst of it has gone for now for those not too badly affected by it. My name is Wendell Hussey, you'll notice it's not Clancy overall coming to you fi... |
TheOnion | Brooke_Explains_Why_She_Has_No_Problem_with_Drunk_Texting | Good afternoon. I have a few hours before our news broadcast, so I thought I'd take a stroll outside of my hyperbaric chamber and answer some viewer questions. Okay, here's one from my Facebook wall. Michelle Wetzel-Hillman, quite a name there, asks, is drunk texting okay? Well, drunk texting ex-boyfriends things like ... |
SaturdayNightLive | clinton_on_republicans_cold_open_saturday_night_live | And now, a message from the President of the United States. good evening, America. I'd like to speak to you tonight because this week, the Bill Clinton Presidency suffered a crisis in leadership. it's been a bad week.
First, this Cheshire thing is getting me down. people keep asking me questions like, what am I going ... |
CrackerMilk | why_i_hate_vr | Thanks for coming over, dude. I'm so keen to finally watch this movie.
Is that a VI headset? Yeah, I just got it. It's so sick. Do you want to try? Yeah! Oh, sick!
What games do you have? So, I got Beat Saber, Minecraft. Beat Saber's pretty good if you want to tr-- What are you doing?
I'm just playing Minecraft. Oh.... |
CrackerMilk | we_can_t_make_videos_anymore | Emergency! YouTube is taking down another one of our videos! Like, we can't keep fucking doing this! Like, they've just gone and they just took to the video and demonetized it for no fucking reason! I had to leave my holiday from Antarctica just to get all the way over here to tell you guys this because it's fucking bu... |
cracked | is_james_corden_the_awful_kisser_emily_blunt_has_been_talking_about | Is James Corden the awful kisser Emily Blunt has been talking about? For years Emily Blunt has been bemoaning an on-screen kiss that left such a bad taste in her mouth that she wanted to wash it out with vomit. More recently, the leading lady told Howard Stern that she absolutely wanted to be sick after a certain kiss ... |
dropout | guy_breaks_up_with_google_autocomplete | Okay, so we've been dating for two months, and I don't know how to say this, but I'm kind of a big deal. No, that's exactly what I want to talk to you about.
I don't think... You're ready for this jelly. No? Why did we... We invade Iraq. No.
Stop trying to finish... Installing important updates. How come every time..... |
cracked | officially_the_worst_superhero_weakness_power_girl | Power Girl is a DC fan favorite and a yet-to-be-featured member of the DC movies universe, which is slowly overcoming its allergy to women. She is a sometimes cousin of Superman and is best known for her strong personality and leadership skills, which is a vague way of describing a personality. That's something you say... |
dropout | strip_clubs_suck | Well guys, I think we did it. I think we planned the perfect bachelor party for Shane. We've got booze, we've got drugs, we've got all this stuff that we know Shane loves from years of being friends with him.
Is there anything I'm forgetting? Well, I mean, no one's said it yet. Someone has to say it.
So, how about a ... |
dropout | phone_sex_pranks_early_90s_slang | So, uh, I'm kind of into some weird stuff. Oh, really? Yeah, uh... Well, what kind of stuff are you into that you consider weird? Uh, I don't know.
I'm into early 90's slang. Early 90's slang. Yeah, is that... Do you know any early 90's slang?
Oh, yeah. That's good, baby. Okay, so, uh, yeah. So, I'm kissing your brea... |
TheOnion | Astronauts_Suffer_Death_After_Helium_Leak | Mission Control, we have a serious leak developing here in the aft section of the station. The cryo number one tank is reading zero right now, and the compression system is operating below capacity. Do you identify the nature of the leak? Not yet, sir. Lieutenant Pritchard is currently investigating a compression syste... |
cracked | 4_superpowers_that_suck_worse_than_you_d_think_yboc_season_4_premiere | Ugh! Who am I? Oh, hey there, nerds! Welcome to your brain on cracks, I guess.
As you know, I'm Dr. Jordan Brady, but I don't think it's quite that simple anymore. I'm not sure of the specifics, but I think when I bumped into Roger Horton, I suddenly became one with the universe. It transformed from a Doobie-Houser-ty... |
cracked | 4_important_questions_about_the_dumbest_song_of_the_80s_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Rick Springfield's Jesse's Girl is one of history's most perfect pop songs, whose lyrical and musical simplicity is matched only by its general inoffensiveness. Everybody knows it, most people like it, every cover band will probably play it at some point, including some of the world's bolder, more dangerous and excitin... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Prince_Charles_Baffled_An_Outraged_Paid_Leave_Porter_Sad_News_For_Private_School_Boy_More_M_ | You're listening to the Batooter Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate weekly news bulletin recording live here downtown old city district in the booth with myself Clancy Overill editor of the Batooter Advocate Errol Parker editor at large afternoon Errol. Afternoon Cl... |
cracked | the_horrible_truth_about_batman_s_secret_identity | He's so strong. He's so hot. He has so many muscles, but what do we really know about him?
We know he lives in Gotham because he doesn't protect any other cities. Girls, what are you looking at? A bat signal, Mom. Go away. We're trying to figure out who Batman is. No, you don't want to figure out who Batman is.
It is... |
cracked | the_greatest_ninja_turtles_fan_theory_you_ve_ever_heard | Similarly, it's clear that they too have put a lot of thought to their outfits. Especially Beebop. He's got a whole thing going on.
But then we see the Shredder hire these two street thugs for an important mission. At which point he douses them in radioactive juice and stolen zoo animals to turn them into monsters. Wh... |
dropout | your_contacts_list_is_a_mess_ch_shorts | Eight dollars between the three of you? What are you, baristas? Please don't kill us. Please, please. Oh no, I'm not gonna kill you, because you're worth so much more alive. The fuck is this?
You don't have any names in your contact list. Special guy from candle store? Oh, don't call him. But you put him in your phone... |
dropout | if_angels_in_the_outfield_happened_for_real_30_for_30_parody | This was arguably the best turnaround we'd ever seen. Not just in baseball, but in all of sports. At a certain point, you just had to ask yourself, is this real? It was nothing mystical about it. There weren't angels, but something was going on. 30 for 30.
Angels entered the 94 season in one of the worst rosters imagi... |
dropout | barack_obama_s_bbq_2011 | Another year, another Barack BQ. Got the meat from Costco, so you know it's Great 8 Cal. Are we, uh, are we just supposed to, uh, to believe what this guy says?
I want to see the receipt. The long form receipt!
Shut the fuck up. Burn. Thank you.
No, I mean, those steaks are gonna burn. Why would you start cooking th... |
SaturdayNightLive | mister_robinson_s_neighborhood_ransom_snl | A hell of a day for a neighbor. would you be mine? could you be mine? I like to go for a walk with my dog in the park. we especially like to hang around after dark. we hide in the bush and then, just for fun, we jump right out and make the folks run. they won't be mine. they won't be mine. they won't be my neighbor. He... |
dropout | the_guy_who_won_t_talk_about_politics_hardly_working | Ugh, it's not just the tax cuts, it's the judges he's appointing. Trump is packing the courts. Grant, have you seen this article?
I don't like to talk about politics. Ugh, you're one of those people? What? Talking about politics sucks. People who don't like talking about politics always have horrifying politics. I don... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_matt_mccarthy | Please give it up for one of my favorite comedians, Matt McCarthy. So yeah, St. Patrick's Day. Did everybody have a good one? Awesome. I fucking hate St. Patrick's Day. I know that may seem odd at first glance of me. But every St. Patrick's Day, since I was a little kid, I get the same moronic question all day long. An... |
dropout | hardly_working_clue | Okay, I think I know who the killer is. Okay, are you sure? Because if you're wrong, you're out and you can't say anything. Yes, I'm sure, okay?
It was Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with the knife.
I was wrong. Too bad, guys. Guess the murderer's still out there. Okay, Pat's out. My turn. Wait, wait. Maybe I should ... |
dropout | halo_firefight | This week on Bleep Loop, we are playing the new Halo 3 spin-off, Halo 3 ODST. I'm Jeff Rubin here with College Humor's Dan Gurwitch, Brian Murphy, and joining us from across the country via Xbox Live, Ben Schwartz from RejectedJokes.com. Ben, how's it going, man?
It's going great. I'm just finishing up a toilet sessio... |
dropout | blockr_the_app_for_blocking_people_irl_with_john_cena | Life, it's full of situations you don't want to be in. So I was reading a very interesting article in the newspaper today. Dad, come on. Times that make you say, I would do anything to be blocked from this stupid person's stupid face. About what's wrong with your generation. Take some more bread. Or I wish there was so... |
TheOnion | This_Week_In_History_Sears_Tower_Constructed_With_Bold_Challenge_To_God_Engraved_On_Roof | From the discovery of the first lesbian in a Guatemalan jungle in 1957, to the day in 1918 when a lazy-ass Thomas Edison just sat around and invented jack shit, the Onion looks back at this week in history. On May 6, 1937, the explosion of the German passenger ship Hindenburg brought cheer to an entire generation of Am... |
dropout | hardly_working_airplane | What's up, man? Hey, dude. How was the weekend?
Oh, man, it was a great day. I really felt like we had a connection, you know? Nice. Airplane? Yeah. I mean, it was like I'd known her all my life. You know, it was one of those things?
Mm-hmm. Whee!
You know, I'm not usually one for chick flicks, but I'll tell you som... |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_most_depressing_idea_ever_pitched_on_shark_tank | Hi, my name is Leslie. This idea is my baby, and I will not take no for an answer We all poop our pants The diaper with our poop and we take that diaper we throw it away This is ridiculous baby throw away the pants depends on how big of a poop we do Diaper and listen this happens every day. No Guys guys Let's just hear... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_Solution_A_Free_Ride_Will_Smith_Shocks_The_World_More_April_1 | We are waiting with bated breath for our Prime Minister to call an election. He's not given us any indication of when that'll be, but there's only two dates now that he can choose from. True. The 14th and the 21st of May. And the 21st is the last one, so he won't do it then because it'll look too last minute, won't it?... |
cracked | 5_pop_culture_moments_of_unbridled_joy | Hey, Soren. Hey everybody, welcome to happiness week. Today, Soren and I are going to take each other through some of our favorite moments in pop culture of just pure unbridled joy.
It's the Virgin America safety video. I look forward to this safety video every single time I fly.
There's no reason for this to be this... |
dropout | financial_tips_for_broke_people | Hey guys, Grant here. I know you've seen these articles on the internet, like 5 tips to manage your money, and you've thought to yourself, to manage money I have to have money.
But that's not true.
I'm broke. And I'm going to give you the broke person version of those same 5 tips. Quote, non-essentials are different ... |
cracked | the_week_in_douchebaggery_prince_harry_paris_hilton_2_29 | It's Friday, February 29th, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I just created a leap year in your mind.
NBC has canceled the Internet-turned-TV series Quarter Life after just one episode. Guess what quarter life? Only one of us has ever been canceled by a major network, and it's not me.
Suck... |
dropout | News_Crew_Plans_Terrible_Trip_to_the_Beach_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Mi... |
dropout | oh_boy_free_crap | Junk alert, Gutex is giving away a bunch of free crap in there. Free... crap? Welcome ma'am, would you like a free pen?
Yes, I would. Just remember, they'll probably run out of ink in three days. Oh, that's okay.
It's free. I'd be a fool not to take it. We also have free snacks. Keep in mind, they're not chocolate ch... |
TheOnion | a_v_club_pop_pilgrims_twilight_kept_a_struggling_town_on_washington_s_olympic_peninsula_afloat | USB. Play playlist Twilight. In the Olympic Peninsula of Northwest Washington State, a small town named Forks exists under a near-constant cover of clouds. Population 3,120 people. This is where I'm moving. Forks is a popular language.
Like, people might think, oh, it's kind of a funny idea. The movie was not filmed h... |
dropout | would_you_wear_a_shock_collar_for_750 | I know a lot about you and now I can use all of that against you.
Is Grant quiet? No, he's loud. No.
Grant's going to have to wear a shock collar. Can we get a B? You want one B. That's his number one fear. Oh no. So he has to wear this all day through all meetings and everything and he gets three shocks. Are we sure... |
SaturdayNightLive | top_5_most_watched_pretaped_sketches_season_48_saturday_night_live | Look at the better rates. Jesus, you know you won't find them. State Farm's rate match. even if you do find cheaper coverage, we'll just match it.
This is my house. I've been wanting him gone. he is not a good neighbor.
Get your finger out of my face! save even more when you bundle them all. and all. at Southwest Air... |
dropout | the_student_film_awards | The 11th annual Student Film Awards aired last night, dishing up its fair share of surprises and upsets. The big winner of the night was the teenage drama Life in the Key of a Minor, which took home Best Painted Airsoft Gun, Best Shot from Inside a Refrigerator, and Most Unrealistic Drug Overdose. Gabe Channing rockete... |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_doesn_t_know_how_music_works | Whenever you see medieval times there's this sort of annoying hey-no-ne-no music playing constantly. Yeah, pretty much. That music, you know that sort of... Yeah. Yep, yeah there's a lot of that.
Where's that sound coming from? Couldn't they switch it off? It's incredible, isn't it? That we're here now, but that voice... |
dropout | remembering_someone_by_their_facebook_posts_hardly_working | Oh no, Raph died. Oh, that's too bad. Damn.
Yeah, his mom wants us to help her find a quote for his tombstone. I guess he blocked her on Facebook?
Weird. Well, it should be pretty easy. Just go on his Facebook, see the last thing he posted. Uh, just finished watching girls, hashtag not all men. No, that's no good. Sc... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_bobby_knight_saturday_night_live | This week, Indiana University told basketball Coach Bobby Knight that if he makes one more error in judgment, he will be fired. Here to explain his actions is Bobby Knight.
Thanks Colin! First off, I acknowledge that I have a problem with confrontation and I have been attending an anger management class to help me dea... |
SaturdayNightLive | bein_quirky_with_zooey_deschanel_featuring_zooey_deschanel_saturday_night_live | There are short girls, tall girls, big girls, staying small girls, But the best canic girl is a quirky girl. it's bein' quirky! And here's your host, Zoey Deschanel! Zoey Deschanel and my Soul was born in 1901. Welcome to Bein' Quirky, the show that celebrates the quirky lifestyle of vintage clothes and. with me in the... |
dropout | hardly_working_hoops | Hey buddy, we missed in the writer's meeting this morning. Oh man, I'm sorry, I must have forgotten, I don't know. Something on your mind?
Well for being honest, lately I feel like I haven't been living up to my father's expectations. I mean the guy is the lieutenant commander of the USS Interpret for Christ sakes, ho... |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_scenes_maya_rudolph_s_mother_s_day_monologue_snl | I'm your mother, I'm your mother, I'm your oops, I made you dance. remember in that movie when I pooped my pants? My name is Eli Brueggemann, I'm the Musical Director of Snl. my job as musical director is to make all the original music for the show. sometimes it's an underscore, sometimes it's something people sing to.... |
dropout | hardly_working_flash_forward | What happened? I think we blacked out. I think I saw something, guys. Is that crazy? No, I saw two. We were all here in this conference room. Did you guys see that? I did.
It was in the future, too. I saw my phone, and my phone said July 14, 2013. That's three years from now.
Yeah, I saw the same thing. I think we al... |
SaturdayNightLive | intuition_snl | I need a paper towel. oh, damn, we all out. I'm gonna go down to the Bodega and get something real quick. right now? yeah, it's right downstairs. I'll be right back.
Psst. don't trust him. Who said that? you did. I'm your intuition. he's not getting paper towels, girl. he cheating. No, it's not. he usually wipes his h... |
cracked | 4_obnoxious_old_people_behaviors_explained_by_science | Hello, the youth! It's me, Jack, an older person, or as I like to think of it, one of your many betters. We have a lot of differences, you and I, and I'm sure that I and others like me must seem like aliens or like slower, crankier versions of you. Maybe it'd be better for you if we just quietly faded away into obscuri... |
SaturdayNightLive | blocking_it_out_for_christmas_cold_open_snl | I can't believe it's almost Christmas. Is it already? Yeah, that's right. Mariah Carey, Sarah Shadow. That means two more weeks till Christmas. What a year it's been What a three years.
I know I'm still signing my checks 2019. Well, I'm I'm more concerned that you're still writing checks.
You know what I mean. I mean... |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_clinton_press_conference_saturday_night_live | Good evening. I mean good afternoon.
I'm here today to address speculation as to why no independent counsel has been appointed to investigate alleged illegal fundraising by the Democratic National Committee. Let me just say that the Attorney General has concluded that no ethical violations were committed that would wa... |
cracked | home_for_the_holidays_new_guy_weekly | Hi, YouTube, this is Alex with a holiday guys I don't know if you can tell from my hat But I am home for the holidays and it's just so good to be you know with family around, you know the old place This is pretty much it we get hey, and there's there's my brother Nick. Hey, Nick. How you doing? Happy holidays.
Good to... |
dropout | hardly_working_bill_murray | Hey guys. Matt, where have you been? It's 10am, work started 7 hours ago. Yeah, I know, I'm sorry I'm late.
I ran into Bill Murray. Amazing! Oh my god. And he beat the shit out of me. Wow. What was it like? I was crossing the street outside my apartment and he just came out of nowhere and hit me. And he kept hitting m... |
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