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cracked | podcast_pre_cap_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with another When I moved to LA I bought a car I drive that car in LA traffic for some reason tonight It's taking me an hour and ten minutes to get from Santa Monica to Culver City If you don't know how far that is imagine trying to get from your house To a different part of your house as you m... |
SaturdayNightLive | first_warm_day_of_the_year_red_carpet_cold_open_snl | Live from Central Park, It's the first warm day-of-the-year arrival show. it's mid-april here in New York City, and the temperature hit 90 degrees this week, a full two months ahead of schedule. And while that may be terrifying on a climate level, the warm weather can only mean one thing. all the freaks, crazies, and w... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_257_Brad_Cox_returns_to_the_Betoota_Advocate_Podcast | Very excited. Today's guest is a second timer. It's been a minute.
Yeah, there's not many in the illustrious list of... Not many, no. ...two timers.
I feel very privileged.
Yeah. What are we working with? Bambam Tui Vasa, Becky Lucas.
Lek Blain.
Coxy. Brad Cox, thank you for joining us.
Of course, man. It's good ... |
cracked | we_reply_to_your_xxx_comments_cinemistakes | What's up you guys, this is your boy Steven Spielberg and the host of Cinema Stakes, the show where we take Hollywood's hottest films and we skew it, we burn to the ground. Today we're doing a special episode where we take your comments, we read them, and we respond to those in efforts. We're going to be looking at and... |
TheOnion | How_To_Wax_Your_Floors_Without_Slipping_Severing_Your_Spine | Welcome back to Today Now.
You know I just love cleaning my kitchen, and what makes for a cleaner looking kitchen than a freshly waxed floor? That's true, but you know, it can be a little bit more difficult to do that than just plain mopping. However, the shine is absolutely brilliant, and it can last for weeks.
And ... |
dropout | awkward_greetings_real_life_hunger_games_collegehumor_comment_show | Hey guys, welcome to the comment show. I think we should just roll right into it. Yeah, let's do it. Merry fun to go first. Yup.
That's a lot of orange. Little star with orange. Ooh, favorite color. Ooh, great question.
Nerudo or Dragon Ball Z? But who asked this? Jonah Tig. Okay, definitely Nerudo. Definitely Nerudo... |
dropout | hardly_working_final_destination_part_4 | Good night, sweet Murph. May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. That was a beautiful service.
How's it hanging, Dingleberry? Guys, guys, guys.
Maybe we've been going about this the wrong way. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe, now that we know we're definitely going to die, we can choose to die in the... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Star_Wars_The_Last_Jedi | I need someone to show me my place in all this. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be talking about Star Wars The Last Jedi, the eighth installment in the blockbuster franchise, and a film which takes place high above our world in the heavens, offering us an inspiring glimpse into the ... |
dropout | office_fantasy | Jake, question. Is it Jake with one J? Yeah, one J. That's it? There's an A and a K. Okay, there's an A and a K. What order is everything?
What is wrong with you? Hi, I'm Julia from HR. Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. You're amazing.
Second best to him here, but thanks. I have an island off the coast of Nebraska. Want to r... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_i_wish_it_would_rain_snl | I gave you my heart, but you left me for another man, and now I'm broken, left your keys on the bed stand, and now I wish you would rain on me, baby, wish you would rain on me, wash away all my tears, just hold tight, here comes that rain, it's pretty nice out, kinda ruined in the video, it's unseasonably warm, should'... |
dropout | hardly_working_lfo | Oh my god, you guys, seeing LFO's big show tonight at Madison Square Garden, it's gonna be amazing. I mean, I literally could not sleep last night. I'm exhausted!
Wait, Jeff's back, Jeff. Do you get the tickets? Okay, I didn't get the ticket, but I used the ticket money to get these.
You traded the money for magic be... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_The_Hunger_Games_Catching_Fire | The party of the year, eyes bright, chins up, smiles on. I'm talking to you, Katniss. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'm going to be looking at the new film, Catching Fire, the second installment in the popular Hunger Games trilogy about a teenage girl challenging a corrupt dystopian gov... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_185_Scottie_Marsh | A lot's been going on over the last couple of years, we say that at the start of every interview but we're not going to talk about this virus, that's not what we're going to talk about today. We're going to talk about the other developments that have been taking place in the global economy. Of course, the virus that we... |
dropout | An_Explosive_Gender_Reveal_Fail | Good afternoon, everyone. Thank you to all our friends and family who we haven't alienated yet. I know me leaving my wife and getting a 25-year-old pregnant didn't go over super well. Right on. Welcome to our gender reveal party. I know we're all super stoked to find out what kind of junk our baby has. So please welcom... |
SaturdayNightLive | martin_luther_king_day_jesse_jackson_saturday_night_live | And now, in honor of Martin Luther King Day, weekend Update is proud to present the nation's preeminent African-american leader. it is the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Reverend Jackson. as I look out here tonight, I see the face of America. red and yellow, black and brown, brown and white and black and yellow, all connected... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_162_Bruce_Hoppo_Hopkins | Good morning, Errol. Good morning to you. Good morning, mate. How you going? Mate, I'm going all right.
We got a few headlines last week after an interview with Grace Tame. Finally got the southern media elite to kind of sit up and take notice on some of the good radio we're doing out here in the Dymantina Shire. And ... |
dropout | what_you_wish_would_happen_on_the_walking_dead | Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo! Let Hershel go! It's too late for him, Rick! And what the? You've lost your way. Let me help you find it. I knew you weren't totally heartless. Oh snap, that was sick! Duh-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah! Glenn! Michonne's drunk and re... |
cracked | least_effective_drug_intervention_ever | Eatin' lunch, huh? Yup. I are eating sandwich.
All alone? Well, if you count my balls, there's like... Anyway, you can figure out the rest. What is wrong with you? All the pressure finally gotten to ya? We fall somewhere between party clowns and car accidents on the spectrum of things that people view as entertainment... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_drunk_uncle_on_the_holidays_snl | Well, the holiday season is upon us once again, and that means spending time with family here with his advice on how to manage the holidays. Please welcome Drunk Uncle. Yeah. they said it is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Fever. Okay. So, John Gunkeler, are you excited for the holidays? The holidays are not wh... |
TheOnion | New_Ad_Urges_Hipsters_To_Go_To_Applebee_s_Ironically | I'm here with our trends expert, Carol Logan, and we're talking about a really interesting new ad campaign from Applebee's, which is encouraging customers to visit the restaurant ironically. Good morning, Carol. Hi. Good to see you again. Tell me about this ad campaign.
It seems very cutting edge. Well, it is. That's ... |
cracked | did_you_know_that_david_letterman_auditioned_for_airplane | Did you know that David Letterman auditioned for Airplane? Yes, Airplane, regarded as one of the greatest comedy movies of all time, almost had the comedy stylings of Letterman. But he really, really didn't want to audition. His agent made him. In the new book Surely You Can't Be Serious, The True Story of Airplane, Da... |
dropout | hardly_working_silence_of_the_sams | Hey Pat, have you seen Sam? I think he has my pencil.
You know what you look like to me with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well-dressed hustling rube with a little taste. And that accent you're trying so desperately to hide is pure West Virginia.
What does your dad do, dear? Is he a coal... |
SaturdayNightLive | little_focker_film_fan_snl | Well, that's a wrap for the day. nice work everyone. Little Fockers is going to be great.
Hey James. hey Denise, how you doing? Look, remember when I told you about my 13 year old nephew Keith? Oh yeah, yeah, he's a big fan, right? He loved Meet the Parents, he loved Meet the Fockers, he's obsessed. would it be okay i... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Robbie_Katter_MP_The_Betoota_Advocate_Podcast_Ep_130 | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show, recording live here in downtown Batutah, Queensland election looms, it's probably coming in about a week or two before the American election and of course in this part... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_rachel_maddow_show_roland_burris_and_gov_blagojevich_snl | Good evening, I'm Rachel Maddow. it's been a wild and controversial week in the U.s. Senate, beginning Tuesday when Rod Blagojevich, appointee, Roland Burris, showed up, hoping to take his seat as the newest Senator from Illinois, only to be turned away at the front gate. Mr. Burris joins us now from Washington. Hello,... |
TheOnion | US_Schools_Trail_World_In_Child_Soldier_Aptitude | Once again, American school children are failing to keep pace with those of other nations. A new Amnesty International study this week shows that American child soldiers rank far behind African children in almost every area of military skill. The American children scored significantly lower in basic rifle marksmanship,... |
CrackerMilk | nichameleon_does_improv_with_us | I'm not trying to like when you get on mainly, but it's all good. How old are you? I'm 26.
I'm a young boy So I would say I would say that's in the category I cheated on you See look how good it is I shit in your bed Hello, everyone and welcome back to another episode of the cracker milk podcast Joined by our friend N... |
cracked | how_to_succeed_in_business_without_really_dying | And of course, with these new clients comes new areas of responsibility for the company. We're expanding the board, and whoever earns this title will be up for a steep compensation increase. And I think it should be one of you, but which one? By the end of this meeting, I expect to have my answer, so demonstrate to me ... |
dropout | wanderlunch_we_sent_a_guy_to_dubai_just_to_eat_pizza_hut_s_crown_carnival_cheeseburger_pizza | I came all the way to Dubai to eat a giant pizza, so let's see how this goes. I'm going after the Crown Crust Carnival. That's my job. Now it's time to do what I was sent here to do. Just had to ask a cab driver to drive me to Pizza Hut. It's a fucking fat American that I am.
You know they have choices. You can have a... |
cracked | we_were_all_wrong_about_jennifer_s_body | I recommend more complex cobwebs.
Guys, I think we owe Megan Fox an apology. More specifically, we owe Jennifer's body an apology. After keeping a low profile for a minute there, Megan Fox is ready to be America's IT girl yet again. While she's been busy toting her boyfriend, Machine Gun Kelly, as her accessory du jou... |
TheOnion | World_s_Oldest_Neurosurgeon_Turns_100 | They don't make them like they used to. Well, that old adage is being proved every day in Fredericksburg, Virginia, where a doctor has devoted an entire lifetime to helping others. Brian Scott has the story. This week, Carl Wainwright will be 100 years old. This can-do senior is still doing what he loves most, performi... |
dropout | Cream_for_Stepfather | Thank you. Thank you so much for being here again. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited. Yay.
Rekha is a busy girl. I think she's in New York right now doing very exciting things for Dropout. So we're excited that she's there.
And we love Janie. Thank you. This is a win-win. I love it. I feel at home here. And of ... |
TheOnion | Onion_Explains_The_Israeli_Palestinian_Conflict | Providing you with the knowledge to land yourself in an extremely uncomfortable conversation at a party with a very opinionated acquaintance, we now present The Onion Explains The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. The Israeli- Palestinian conflict began in the wake of the devastating violence of World War II, when internat... |
dropout | grammar_nazis | Good morning, Monsieur Lapidite. I am Colonel Hans Landa of the SS. I was hoping you could invite me inside your home and we could have a discussion. Of course, please come in. Now, as you may have heard, I am in charge of rounding up all the Jews in this village. Yes, I have heard that.
Are you aware of any Jews hidi... |
TheOnion | Ten_Percent_Of_U_S_High_School_Students_Graduating_Without_Basic_Object_Permanence_Skills | A new report from the National Center for Education shows that an alarming 10 percent of U.S. high school students graduate without basic object permanence skills. According to the study, a growing number of American seniors are lagging behind their international counterparts when it comes to the crucial knowledge that... |
SaturdayNightLive | mister_robinson_s_neighborhood_christmas_snl | It's the beautiful day in the neighborhood. our future favorite neighbor. Won't you be my, won't you be my, won't you be my neighbor? Hello, boys and Girls.
You know, Christmas is a special time in Mr. Robinson's neighborhood. it's a time for giving. And look what Mr. Landlord gave me. it's an eviction notice. Well, t... |
TheOnion | Spam_Crackdown_Threatens_Koy4Goff_s_Penis_Enlarger_Industry | You've all heard that spam email is difficult to block because so much of it comes from overseas, but according to a recent report, as much as 90% of spam may in fact come from a single country, the little-known Eastern European nation of Koyforgov, which has a, quote, spam-based economy. The State Department today ann... |
TheOnion | Republicans_Reach_Out_To_Women_With_New_No_Punch_Pretty_Lady_Bill | Turning to Capitol Hill, House Republicans are considering their own version of the Violence Against Women Act. The GOP hopes their new No Punch, Pretty Lady bill will finally help the party appeal to female voters. In 2012, women mad at Republicans, but Republicans not liking rape for women. In 2013, we need better no... |
cracked | 6_things_you_didn_t_know_about_the_simpsons_barbershop_quartet | Here are six things you didn't know about the Simpsons Barbershop Quartet episode, which is basically just a bunch of Beatles references. Barney replaces Chief Wiggum in the group early on, which is a reference to Pete Best being replaced by Ringo! Barney makes his own song called Number Eight, which is a reference to ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_baby_yoda_on_his_spiritual_awakening_snl | With Disney Plus' new Obi-wan Kenobi series on the way, it's a great time to be a Star Wars fan. here to catch us up on all things Star Wars is Baby Yoda. Oh! I love you, man. say what? ooh! what's up, Baby Yoda? I love you, too.
How's life? you got a new vibe. life is all good, Michael. real good. of course, season t... |
cracked | 4_erotic_fanfiction_scenes_that_we_can_t_unsee_canonball | The wonderful world of fanfiction is where all of our wildest nerd fantasies come true. From Godzilla meeting John Wick, to Godzilla eating John Wick, to Godzilla dating John Wick, and then probably eating him anyway. Or vice versa. It's easy to write these stories off as bastardizations of beloved franchises, but crea... |
dropout | Troopers_vs_Teleporter | Dread Lord Sinister, here is your pizza, sir. Fresh from Stromboli's. Fresh? This is cold as ice. From an ice planet. Sir, we've been over this. Stromboli's is on the other side of the Dread Cruiser. It takes weeks to get there and back. Tell you what, why don't you get me another pizza?
Using my new teleportation dev... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Joy_McKean_OAM_The_Betoota_Advocate_Podcast_Ep_128 | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well, welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show. Today we are joined by a pioneer of Australian recording music, country music in particular, but music in general. One of the hardest workers. We've actually h... |
dropout | why_sexy_lingerie_is_the_worst_present_for_a_guy | Are you ready for your present, Mr. Birthday boy? Yes, please. Good to. Hot dog. Happy birthday babe. What are you doing? Getting you naked. But this is your present.
This was like super expensive.
Oh. Thanks. I like it. Can you be more naked now? No. I bought this to wear and you've only seen it for like a second. I... |
TheOnion | Messages_From_Our_Troops_To_The_Families_They_Can_t_Remember | That story's coming up. But before we go to break, a few messages from our troops stationed overseas. This is Private Jeffrey Warren from Huntington, West Virginia.
Thanks to all my pen pals from Ms. Winter's class in North Carolina. All your cards and your drawings of your favorite foods really took my mind off all t... |
TheOnion | DNC_Speech_Clinton_Campaign_Thanks_Volunteers_For_Killing_Millions_Of_Gnats_In_Hillary_s_Bus | For working tirelessly day in and day out to get more than 3.3 million nats out of Hillary Clinton's campaign bus. We all know how much Secretary Clinton loves her daily fruit fix. But for those of you who haven't been on the trail with us, Hillary will always take two or three bites from any given piece of fruit and t... |
dropout | Why_I_m_Voting_For_Opposite_Man | This Politics Day, I'm voting for the man who says the opposite of things that are happening. Sometimes it seems like bad things are happening, but then he tells me that they're not. And I like that, because it means I don't have to be sad. Other times, things that I want to happen aren't happening, but he says that th... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Busby_Marou | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show with myself Clancy Overall, I'm joined by Wendell Hussey, Eternal Cadet and today's guests, very excited for this one, proud proud Queenslanders, central Queenslander... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_nyc_hires_first_ever_rat_czar_rescuers_save_lost_hikers_on_mushrooms_snl | Kathleen Karate was announced as New York City's first Rat Czar, a title that was formerly known as Miss Staten Island.
Ha, ha, ha, loser. ha, ha, ha, loser. you end funky, huh?
Wow. archaeologists have discovered a 1,000-year-old scoreboard used for an ancient Mayan ball game, the score of which was Mayan's 24, New ... |
programmersarealsohuman | steve_jobs_wet_dream | What is your role model when it comes to design and personal computing? I'm Ute Slinger and Rick Dickinson. But what about Steve Jobs? He's not one of my role models. Steve Jobs was a poser who couldn't code, right?
Welcome Paul Roney. Thank you for taking this interview. You have raised 3.7 million dollars for Kosmic... |
dropout | birthday_cake_bird_birth_no_laugh_newsroom | all that and more keep it together all that more spilling out of my little shrimp rocket from west hollywood california the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it anyone who laughs or breaks loses points this is breaking news hello and welcome to the breaking news the show where... |
cracked | 12_12_07_news_on_cracked_billy_joel_s_new_song_whoopi | It's Wednesday, December 12th, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm... Oh my god. I don't know my name. I must have... Amnesia!
The New Jersey Senate is very close to making Jersey the first state in more than 40 years to abolish the death penalty. Supporters of the bill say that the worst thing the state can do to it... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_07_drugs_hippies_villains_in_politics_with_sen_richard_di_natale | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic Hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic, so talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today.
Tease and Seize Apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details.
You're listeni... |
dropout | hot_tub_book_clubs_are_very_real_and_awkward | As you know, I was able to pull a few strings for today's book club, so everyone please welcome the author of Po' Boy a Memoir, Bo DeLay. Hey, it's great to be here. We're super excited. Yeah, well, you're bigger than I thought you'd be. Okay, so let me introduce everybody here, okay?
That's Betsy, that's Dara, and th... |
dropout | the_guy_who_won_t_call_in_sick_hardly_working | Okay, let's go. Hey, Brennan. You feeling okay? Yeah. You seem a little under the weather. What's that? Like, you seem sick. That's true. Yeah.
I'm sick as a dog. Fucking work dog, dude. Let's do it. Let's shred it this week, guys. Turn it, Brennan. If you're sick, you should go home. Go home? Come on, guys. It's a fl... |
TheOnion | Obama_Begs_U_S_Not_To_Embarrass_Him_In_Front_Of_French_Season_1_Ep_8_on_IFC | This is the Onion News Network. Not watching is an act of defiance. Let's start off in Washington, D.C., where President Obama has warned the American people today not to embarrass him when his European friends come to visit this weekend. Slated to host French President Nicolas Sarkozy and his wife Carla Bruni beginnin... |
SaturdayNightLive | late_night_with_david_letterman_gumby_s_bloopers_snl | Hi there, welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen, my, my, oh my, what a fine show we've slapped together for you folks here tonight, So wake the kids, phone the neighbors, come in from the lawn, this is one that you won't want to miss. right now, let's say hello to Paul Shafer in the band, ladies and gentlem... |
TheOnion | High_School_Tonys_Honor_Nation_s_Drama_Club_Nerds | In entertainment news, millions of fans across the nation tuned in last night to see the High School Tony Awards, celebrating the year's most outstanding achievements in high school theater. Usually relegated to the row of lunch tables separating the jocks and the nerds, it was these students' time to shine as they str... |
cracked | 6_shockingly_out_of_touch_celebrities_the_spit_take | Oh, hello the internet old friend welcome to another the spit take my name is Jack O'Brien I'm the editor-in-chief of crack then this is DMX reacting to a computer like a time traveler from the Great Depression I don't even know how to use the computer. I don't want to... Are you lying? Come on, do you know how to like... |
ClickHole | women_describe_what_it_s_like_giving_birth | I was out at a bar with some of my girlfriends having a ladies night and I noticed that some of them were giving birth So I asked my friend Tina like how are you doing that and she said just Squat down clasp your hands behind your back and start screaming. It's easy. No, it's not that easy I was squatting and screaming... |
SaturdayNightLive | one_man_show_saturday_night_live | The holiday season means theater season and Hugh Jackman is back on Broadway, but it's completely sold out, so why not head off off Broadway and check out a different kind of one-man show? Tommy Palm Easy In half Jewish, half Italian, Completely neurotic. Hey, God it's me. Little Tommy Palm Easy from 81st Street. If I'... |
dropout | alfred_aquino_ii_on_the_skateboarder_who_comped_justin_bieber | Hello, welcome to Rob's Hall of Fame, where every episode we have a guest who tries to convince me of why their underrated favorites should be in my Hall of Fame.
Today we have Alfred Aquino the second.
What's up? Hello. That's me. Do you have anything that you would like to plug or anything like that?
Alfred Aquino... |
dropout | Alabama_s_Other_Abortion_Options | Hello, I'm Alabama Governor Kay Ivey, and I'm here today to clear up some of the confusion about our recently passed abortion ban. While it's true we've banned abortions during the first nine months of pregnancy, we actually do allow termination following the ninth month through a variety of postnatal abortion offering... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_44_deputy_prime_minister_michael_mccormack | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate, on Desert Rock FM. Hello, welcome back. You are listening to the Diamantina podcast network here with Clancy Overall and me, Errol Parker, sitting here in the Koala Mattress Studios in downtown Batooter. We are about to be joined by ... |
TheOnion | Could_Tom_Brady_Be_The_New_Face_Of_The_NFL | Welcome back, sweatheads.
There are a lot of storylines coming out of the Super Bowl, but the big question I want to talk about is whether Tom Brady could be the new face of the NFL. It's no secret the league is struggling right now. Ratings are down. They haven't had real star power since Peyton Manning left. The NFL... |
TheOnion | tough_season_week_one_panic_season_1_ep_3_brought_to_you_by_lenovo | What happened this week? What's with all the unselfish plays, huh? Look, I love you guys, I just, come on! I don't care if you get your NFL team into field goal territory! All that matters here are yards and touchdowns! Come on!
If this week is any indication, I'm going to lose every game this year by 11 points! Brad ... |
dropout | expiration_dates_don_t_mean_what_you_think_adam_ruins_everything | What the... Eggs sell by yesterday? Orange juice best by two days ago? Yogurt used by last week?
Well, now I have to get rid of all this food. If I don't, someone could get sick. No, you don't. Best buy, used buy, sell buy.
Contrary to popular belief, none of these dates actually tells you when food stops being safe ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | an_insane_wizard_wants_to_be_your_president_and_he_s_pro_gun | Hi, I'm Magius warden of the obsidian gate crucible of the void star Masters in women's studies and the new presidential candidate for this year's election Low battery. Are you fucking serious? I mean, what am I paying you little twinks for anyway, you're not paying us You said you'd turn us inside out if we didn't hel... |
SaturdayNightLive | new_cast_advice_snl | Being a new cast member at Snl, you get a lot of advice. advice from friends, family, veteran cast members, even Lauren. Lauren told me, don't do too much in the first couple of shows. let the audience discover you and get to know you. He told me to find writers who understand my voice. my odd, haunting voice. He told ... |
cracked | event_horizon_review_ft_jason_pargin_aka_don_t_you_space_walk_away_from_me_mister | Hello.
Uh, yeah, it used to be the executive editor at crack for 13 years Um, and now i'm coming back It's the equivalent of that guy who as an adult goes back to his old high school Where he was a big shot. I would say it's the equivalent of the event horizon reappearing around Neptune or uranus or whatever it is, wh... |
cracked | hanging_out_with_my_brother_people_watching_season_2_episode_2 | Are you seriously blowing off your friends to watch Empire Strikes Back? Dude, this is the exact thing I keep telling you not to do. Hey, I at least made some friends that I can repeatedly cancel on, thanks to you bugging me. Baby steps, I'm trying. Well, you know what they say about trying. Do or do not, my friend.
I... |
dropout | ufc_sidekick_tryouts_with_wilmer_valderrama | Alright, here we are, day one of auditions. Now, you're here to try out to become Master Bruce's sidekick, is that correct? Yup. I just got this invitation. You look familiar, aren't you? Here for the Twi-Outs, yup. Right.
What sort of close combat are you trained in? I do Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Chroma God. I've done a ... |
SaturdayNightLive | inside_the_actor_s_studio_with_drew_barrymore_snl | When one thinks of the greatest all-time films made by mankind, in this century or in any other, one name keeps coming up again and again. and again and again. That, of course is the great cinematographer, Greg Toland. he cannot be here tonight because he is dead, but a face that we've surely filmed is here with us ton... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_Success_State_Of_Origin_Sabotaged_A_Confused_Backpacker_More_June_11 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Bullet and unfortunately Errol's not here to join us, he's still chasing stories up north in Baduri Council so today you've just got my self-clancy overall editor of the Batutah Advocate A... |
dropout | hardly_working_basketball_phone | Hey, everyone. Gather around my desk. I have some really important information about the future of everyone's jobs. Come on, it's serious. Everybody.
What's going on? Are we in trouble?
Actually, I wanted to show you guys something. My Michael Jordan basketball phone! Jesus.
So, our jobs are fine. It's better than f... |
dropout | all_nighter_09_spooning | I think I'm gonna go take a shit. Don't tell Amir. I promise. Where's Dan Gerwich? He said he had to take a shit. Why did you tell Amir I was taking a shit? He attacked me with a playground ball.
I know. I live with it every day. I'm sorry. I'm sure Dan's gonna forgive you one day. Yeah, but first they need to forgive... |
TheOnion | GOP_Introduces_New_Mystery_Candidate_With_Paper_Bag_Over_Head | We're only a year away from the 2012 elections, but the GOP is still looking for a clear front-runner in their race for the White House. That's why today Republicans announced a new mystery candidate whose identity will be kept secret until he, or she, is elected president. With polls showing low voter enthusiasm for t... |
ClickHole | this_teen_has_an_inspiring_message_for_his_bully_then_gets_owned_by_the_bully_s_convincing_rebuttal | I don't know. You guys gettin' this? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was disgusting. What are you gonna do, cry, Ethan? God, you're such a loser.
We're all your friends, nerd. That's enough! Ooh. I've had enough, Austin! Just because you're bigger than me doesn't mean you get to make me feel like crap every single day! You do... |
dropout | alfie_the_horny_halfling | Hello everyone, welcome to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read erotic books. You can listen to us wherever you listen to podcasts. You can watch us on CH2 a couple weeks later than you can on our favorite place to check us out, which is on Dropout. If you subscribe to Dropout, you can be the first to hear not... |
dropout | Every_Get_in_the_Comments_From_Brennan_Lee_Mulligan_Um_Actually | Um, actually, it's not an otherworldly ability. It is born of the phenomenon in the natural universe in which X-Files occurs. So to say that it's otherworldly is technically incorrect.
No, I'm not going to do that for you.
Get in the comments, get my back. Get in the comments! You know what, I don't think I'm going t... |
TheOnion | Using_Social_Media_To_Cover_For_Lack_Of_Original_Thought_Onion_Talks_Ep_6 | Social media. Social media is the driving force behind the new economy.
What does that mean? Nobody knows.
I'm a successful social media consultant even though I've never had a thought or original idea in my life. But because my firm charges lots of money, we've put social media on the tongues of some of the biggest ... |
cracked | 4_bonkers_crossover_events_that_put_avengers_to_shame_canonball_yboc_crossover | Sometimes it feels perfectly natural for your favorite characters from different franchises to hang out. AHH!
Oh my god, Morty, what did you do? You killed the Simpsons, Morty!
Like when Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny teamed up to murder Bob Hoskins. Other times, two completely incongruous characters are suddenly reveal... |
dropout | font_conference | Welcome back, Thons. I see some familiar type faces, and a few new ones.
Today we'll decide whether or not to offer membership to Zaf Dingbats. Oh, wing dings was bad enough. I'm sick of pandering to these artsy farts.
You should really expand your world view, Ariel Narrow. How do you think he treats me all the time?... |
cracked | how_spotify_screws_over_your_favorite_artists_cracked_explains_taylor_swift_adele | Hi, I'm Alex Schmidt and Spotify is the newest music killing T-1000 unless we Schwarzenegger it Tom York is the lead paranoid Android of Radiohead a band from the future that hates the future's guts and when Radiohead released a new Album in 2016 they tried to release it every way there is Except Spotify because Tom Yo... |
cracked | kyle_kinane_answers_quora_s_top_legal_questions | These are our police Quaras. So a lot of Quaras is just like police officers who are just like, oh, there we go. Yeah, we've got our police sound effects.
This is, if you're driving, you're not getting pulled over. This is not a police car if you were driving. This is just part of the show. Also, you can't see it, but... |
SaturdayNightLive | update_the_naked_guy_saturday_night_live | Blind people are saying that gas-electric hybrid cars pose a serious threat to them because they are hard to hear, making it dangerous for them to cross the street. also making it dangerous for blind people to cross the street? Everything else. The Benjamin, a New York City hotel, has employed a sleep concierge to help... |
TheOnion | Captain_Actual_America_Overweight_Hopelessly_In_Debt | Captain Actual America is overweight and hopelessly in debt. A weird glitch causes The Amazing Spider-Man to reboot in the middle of the movie. And the Richie Rich comic strip introduces a new, even gayer character. As if you needed another reason to remain in your isolated and socially degenerative cocoon, this is The... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_charlotte_the_stingray_on_her_pregnancy_snl | Charlotte, a round stingray that has lived for years in the North Carolina Aquarium without a male companion, is pregnant, making people wonder, who's the father and how did this happen? Here to comment is Charlotte the pregnant Stingray. Michael, Michael, Michael, Boy, do I have some news for you. You gonna be a daddy... |
cracked | why_colin_mochrie_left_whose_line_is_it_anyway | You're a 90s baby like me, you definitely grew up watching a show called Whose Line Is It Anyway? It came out in 1998, it's been running for 20 seasons, and it's entirely improvised. It goes without saying, but this show is a massive hit. But one of the original improvisers, Colin Macri, says the cast loves each other.... |
cracked | 18_terrifying_videos_of_the_most_well_armed_kid_on_youtube_does_not_compute | Hey everybody, and welcome to another pointed episode of Does Not Compute. The web series voted most likely to advance the global doomsday clock. I'm your host, a minstrel show, and with me as always is my co-host, Clips of some real life superheroes. How you doing, Clippy? Really? Ron Paul? You and your second amendme... |
dropout | boring_beer_for_boring_people_ch_shorts | You work hard, and when it's time to cut loose, you suck at it because you're boring. From the Sad Sacks who brought you 64-calorie beer and skinny margaritas comes boring beer. It's a new low-calorie beer for people who can't allow themselves to feel pleasure once in a while. Boring beer has so little alcohol that it ... |
TheOnion | Brooke_Alvarez_Teaches_Us_How_To_Deal_With_Uninformed_People | I'm Bric Alverez, and while I may not acknowledge your presence in person, and if you try to approach me, you'll most certainly be hit in the face with the stinging nettles I carry on me at all times, I like to take a moment every now and again to answer your questions so that you can get to know the real me. Here's a ... |
TheOnion | Gaffe_Prone_Biden_Embarrasses_Nation_Yet_Again_By_Sneezing_During_Meeting | I'm Michael Coe, filling in for Clifford Bains, who knows too much and can't trust anyone. Well, Joe Biden's big mouth is getting him in trouble again. Yesterday, the gaffe-prone vice president made headlines by sneezing during a policy summit at the White House. Is this type of out-of-control behavior hurting the admi... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_comic_con_pt_2 | I'm your host Jeff Rubin, with me is the lovely Pat Kastles. Now, if there's one thing cooler than video games, it is of course comic books, which is why Jeff and I are at Comic Con tonight, we're the worlds of gaming and comics being. So you are here as Chun-Li? Yes. Now, you're a video game character at a comic book ... |
TheOnion | ClickHole_Man_Locks_Himself_In_Hot_Car_To_Prove_That_Babies_And_Dogs_Are_Cowards | what's up everybody mike b here so there's been a lot of stories recently about babies being left for hours in hot cars so i decided that i'm gonna lock myself in my own hot car just to show everyone out there that babies are weak little cowards who can't do something as simple as sitting in a hot car all right let's d... |
dropout | camp_straight_talk | What you've never had sex Dude, dude, how old are you? 14 what technically I shouldn't even be a counselor. Oh, dude. I was having so much sex when I was your age What's it like sex? Oh, it's unbelievable. It's just like you got Taking clothes off got boobs and there's an underwear you can get down there. It's like and... |
dropout | in_the_unlikely_event_ | evening passengers of flight 114 this is your pilot speaking we're approaching some rough weather patterns ahead and expect some turbulence so please look to the front of the plane as your flight attendants help us go over some air safety tips once again everyone please make sure your seat belts are securely and proper... |
TheOnion | Girl_Raised_From_Birth_By_Wolf_Blitzer_Taken_Into_Protective_Custody | Everyone is talking about the incredible story of Molly, the 10-year-old girl who was raised by Wolf Blitzer. That's right. Taken in as an infant, Molly then spent her whole life copying his language and behavior, becoming a kind of a half-human, half-Wolf Blitzer in the process. Now, three months ago, Molly was taken ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_239_We_Got_The_Chocolates | It's a lovely day up here in the Diamantina for once, the sun's out, the sun is shining. It's actually the first day of summer up here, I'm not sure how it is in the southern states that have daylight savings, but up here in Queensland it's summer for half the year, isn't it Wendell? It is, the sun is shining, the weat... |
PhilomenaCunkOn | cunk_on_food | Was there ever a plan to give out free crisps? I don't think they've ever given out or thought about giving out free crisps. Although I quite like crisps. I love crisps. I don't think many people would argue that you can't have a decent life without free crisps. I think I'd kill myself if I couldn't have crisps.
It wa... |
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