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cracked | the_real_reason_we_should_care_about_president_donald_trump_s_mar_a_lago_some_news_special_report | Hello, I'm a news person, and here is some special news. Amateur scientists and professional sleuthers at the Washington Post and other news outlets have discovered tangible proof of the many-worlds interpretation of quantum physics, and it was right under our noses the entire time. Or rather, one very specific orange ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_zombie_deer_disease_red_lobster_s_endless_lobster_experience_snl | Scientists are concerned that zombie deer disease could spread to humans, so please wear a condom. more of a warning than a joke. No, no, no, no. Boeing announced that the head of their troubled 737 Max program is leaving the company after he was sucked out of an emergency exit. Next Thursday is Leap Day, which means w... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Melb_Earthquake_Not_As_Bad_as_Lockdown_An_Indian_Joint_Delivers_The_Drunk_Guy_Special_A_Man_Ge_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Advocate bulletin you've got in the booth today myself Clancy Overall and Effie Bateman is joining me today the others Wendell Hussey and Errol Parker are out east at the Bundaberg show they're doing a ... |
TheOnion | VIRAL_VIDEO_High_School_Sophomore_Sinks_Incredible_Unnecessary_Half_Court_Shot | Back now with the viral video that has the whole world on its feet cheering. A miraculous basketball shot taken by an unlikely player from well beyond the half court line. Sophomore Ryan Jurgens was the last player to make the squad, but when his coach put him in for the first time, boy did it pay off. What an incredib... |
SaturdayNightLive | tortu_matic_saturday_night_live | Having a hard time taking physical abuse, maybe your endurance for pain is lagging behind most people. torturematic may be just what you need. learn to tolerate immense suffering. use it on the hips, the thighs, the neck, the buttocks, the shoulders, the skull, and the biceps. instead of being one of the party who alwa... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_mimi_morales_saturday_night_live | This election year, Republicans are trying harder than ever to court Latino voters. Here with her perspective is a get out the vote volunteer from Florida.
Mimi Morales Okay, like oh my god it is like so great to be here to talk about politics because I'm like always talking about this stuff anyways, and all my friend... |
TheOnion | Tiger_Woods_Fails_To_Qualify_For_Sex_With_Dive_Bar_Waitress | I don't know why the caged bird sings, I just wanted to get out of my face. I'm Kenny Kennedy. And I'm Doc Brooks. Get out of my face before I knock your mouth back with my bright metal bat, Kenny. Alright, alright.
Doc's in Pittsburgh for the Eagles-Stealers pre-season tilt. Doc, what do you got in the battle of Penn... |
dropout | how_will_the_world_end_ask_ch | I think I know exactly how the world is going to end. First there's going to be like a super virus that's going to wipe out like everyone but like five percent of people. Or like everyone's fighting over resources, it's going to be like Mad Max, and then the kicker is people have forgotten about house cats. House cats ... |
TheOnion | Investigation_Reveals_Covid_19_Covering_Its_Tracks_By_Making_Victims_Deaths_Look_Like_Car_Accidents | The coronavirus is claiming new victims today as the CDC announces the first confirmed case of COVID-19 spreading to a pet ferret. Hear just how little of a shit Americans could give about the new discovery.
And later, is it time to take your pills? Yes it is. This is your daily reminder to take your pills.
If you en... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Wednesday_25rd_March | Good afternoon, good evening or good morning wherever it is you're tuning in from. My name is Wendell Hussey and you're listening to the Petuda Advocates Daily News Bulletin. We're broadcasting out of the budgie smuggler bedroom straight on the Desert Rock FM and all good podcast networks. A quick note, if you are keen... |
ClickHole | we_could_not_be_more_excited_to_announce_our_second_branded_content_project_with_red_lobster | There once was a woman named Hungry Linda She had a muscular husband who meant well but sucked When Linda tried to eat Shrimp Scampi Her muscular husband would come into the kitchen And ask her questions about outer space It was very annoying And it made Linda puke up her scampi onto the floor Where on earth can a lady... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Gravity | Listen to my voice. You need to focus. I'm losing control of you. In a few seconds I won't be able to track you. You need to detach. I can't see you anymore. Do it now.
I've lost visual, Dr. Stone. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'm going to be looking at the new movie, Gravity, a space... |
dropout | ivanka_we_re_here_for_you | Hi, Ivanka. Ivanka.
Can we have a minute, like, without your dad and brothers? Donald, if you're watching, it's just gonna be a bunch of ladies talking about babies and periods. Tampons, diapers, how to control our rampant pubic hair, the menopause existing whilst not being a model. That kind of stuff. Are we alone? O... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | 242_Martin_Stark | How are you Errol?
Yeah, good to be back on the microphone for 2023, we had a bit of a break over the summer. The silly season is about to finish, or the start if you've worked in hospitality for the whole of summer, like many many thousands of people have done around the country. Yeah, for the most part I guess the h... |
dropout | katie_goes_viral | Oh my god. Oh Jesus.
What do you want? The meme I posted this morning got 200,000 likes. This got 200,000 likes? Yes.
Good job. Very cool, Katie. It's a little bit more than cool.
I just went viral, baby. I'm about to be famous. Whoa, Stop doing that. You're not gonna get famous off of one meme, okay? Aquafina got h... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Lay_Down_Your_Guns_Politician_Leave_Surfer_Punch_Ons_The_Saddle_Club_More_March_19 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly news bulletin coming to you live from Batutah's Desert Rock FM studios here and brought to you of course by Batutah Bitter the channel countries second greatest export behind of course this news... |
dropout | how_america_is_like_a_bad_boyfriend | Amy, we've been friends for a really long time now, which is why I feel comfortable telling you that I think you're in a bad relationship. What? No, that's just because you're on the outside looking at you. No, you deserve better.
My relationship with my country is great. I love America.
Hey, babe. How did you know s... |
cracked | nfl_preseason_is_pointless_and_also_bad_cracked_responds | Hey everyone, thanks for joining us for another Cracked Response. This week we decided we would talk about the NFL preseason. It's a real bummer that so many people got hurt. Every year. How many fantasy leagues were ruined in the last like two weeks? Well here's the thing.
Don't draft that early. Don't draft at the b... |
TheOnion | memorial_honors_victims_of_imminent_dam_disaster | The city of Folsom, California, in a sad ceremony today honored those who will die in the imminent Folsom Dam disaster. Brian Scott has the story. The Folsom Dam has been a Sacramento Valley landmark for over half a century. But since a spillway gate began to leak four years ago, the dam has become a symbol of doom for... |
cracked | we_fixed_godzilla_vs_kong | Script doctor, huh? What's with the stethoscope? It's for my other job. Okay. What did you think of the Godzilla versus Kong script?
We have some thoughts. You have some thoughts. Yeah, I have some thoughts.
So, how come all these fighter pilots lie so close to Godzilla that he can smack him out of the air with his l... |
SaturdayNightLive | josh_brolin_addresses_rumors_about_his_dune_co_star_snl | Hi, I'm Josh Brolin, and I'm hosting Snl this week with Ariana Grande.
Josh, I love Dune, and I heard a rumor you were hooking up with your co-star. Okay, no. no, I wrote a poem for Timothy, and it wasn't anything more than that. Oh, no, I think she was talking about the sandworm. Oh, who told you about that?
Hi, I'm... |
cracked | 5_incompetent_characters_who_make_superhero_plots_possible_yboc_spider_man_wonder_woman_batman | Hey there, nerds! My name is Dr. Jordan Breeding, which may sound like a supervillain name, but I assure you it is not, and you're definitely thinking of my brother, Dr. Barry Breeding. He looks like me, but he's evil. Anyway, your brain on Cracked is the only show on the internet that's a family program, and the only ... |
dropout | getting_stuck_in_a_bad_conversation_next_to_a_good_conversation_all_nighter | College Humor's All Nighter!
So anyway, I'm at the D&B. Wait, I mean, I'm parking at the D&B. So I'm driving around, I'm looking at these parking signs, and I don't know what they mean, and it's like, getting frustrated and more fun. Freakin' ham Mercedes S-Class, right? Right? Technically, Taco Bell is already closed... |
TheOnion | Minnesota_Braces_For_Return_Of_Bachmann_s_Full_Attention | Minnesota braces for the return of Michelle Bachman's full attention. Nobody notices that the price of stamps is now $30. And in late breaking news, now it's a party. We're slightly less scared and lost than you are, putting us firmly in the high-status position. It's the Onion Week in Review.
Scandalous photos leaked... |
CrackerMilk | i_can_t_stop_waffle_stomping | Welcome back to another cracker milk podcast. Hello, everyone, and welcome back. Come back. It's good to be here today.
We're going to be in a town council meeting. And I am the council spokesperson. I represent everything you want. And I'm here to take in your concerns about our town and what you do in city council t... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | PM_In_Tears_Not_All_Men_Social_Justice_Warrior_Loses_Voice_More_March_26 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Board and recording live here in downtown Batutah. Hell of a week. Cabinet reshuffle, there's fucking lots going on.
How are you guys going? Very well mate, I'm dry so I can't complain. Ho... |
SaturdayNightLive | bike_trail_snl | It's a beautiful day, isn't it? Yeah, it is. um, look, Hailey, there's something I have to tell you. um, okay. uh, I heard back from Apple, and they offered me the job. What? Oh, my God, that's amazing. I know, but it means I'd have to move to Cupertino. Oh.
I don't know what to do, Hailey. I mean, it's your dream job... |
cracked | the_plot_twistingest_finale_in_the_history_of_final_episodes | F***ing hello! He's gonna f*** me. He f***ed me. You f***ed me! You f***ed me again! I f***ed right in there.
Shut the f*** up!
What the f***?
Uhhf! Yo! Not that.
Tell them why, for the sake of the world, they have to die. We have to die because of Beetone.
What, it's a coo? Yeah, but we're already dead, so it's a... |
dropout | if_people_left_parties_like_they_leave_facebook | Attention! Attention everyone! I have an announcement to make!
I am leaving this party! This may come as shocking to some of you. How could I, a popular young gentleman, not remain at the biggest party in town?
I suppose you might say I'm just a little different from the rest of you. You might even say I'm a little s... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_25_7_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin. The date is Thursday the 25th of July, coming to you as always live from the Baxter Boots studio in downtown Batutah. My name is Clancy Overill, editor of the Batutah Advocate and I'm ... |
dropout | batsh_t_crazy_acting_teacher | You don't want to be like your father because your father doesn't want to be like you. You won't be able to do that Yankee accent. Fat people are connected to their bodies. Hey I'm French, I'm walking around my fucking pussy hanging out. Good evening class. Today's lesson is about remaining an open vessel. You have to ... |
cracked | creed_bratton_s_disturbing_hidden_backstory_you_totally_missed_in_the_office_canonball | Kreed Bratton is a weird guy everything okay? everything's cool dude. played by a weird guy no one really liked me because of the old man's spell all we get from him are bizarre little non sequiturs that are as revealing as they are baffling if I can't scuba then what's this all been about what am I working toward? fan... |
dropout | hardly_working_blooper_reel | I'm in love. What? Vinny?
Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm really sorry. Cut. Listen, Sarah. This isn't about what happened between us.
Under the waterfall, as the sun rose over the westward hills.
What gives you the right? Nigel! Grossiff! What's the dillio doodle?
Oh my god, I'm sorry, I gotta go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm ... |
cracked | must_watch_insane_film_genres_yboc_luchadores_crustacean_sports | Guys, I'm so excited to let you know that this episode, literally the episode that I'm editing right now, is being sponsored by NordVPN, which means that if you go to NordVPN.com slash YBOC, you can actually get 70% off a three year deal, which means it's only $3.49 per month. And if you type in the code YBOC to check ... |
cracked | how_to_flee_the_country_from_a_fugitive_still_on_the_run | If you had to disappear for some reason, could you do it? Think of how many government and private databases hold your information, how many ways you're being tracked. I mean, hell, your earbuds probably remember just how many times you ate fast food and how long and loudly you evacuated your bowels after. Think of all... |
SaturdayNightLive | babe_ruth_s_ghost_saturday_night_live | Well, the Red Sox beat the Yankees this week, and advance to the World Series. for the first time since 1986, they're already up one game in the World Series, which raises the question, is the curse of the Bambino over? Mm.
What is that? What is that? sounds like a scary ghost or something. I'm scared, Tina. that's a ... |
TheOnion | Scientist_Explains_How_Climate_Crisis_Would_Be_Averted_If_Greta_Thunberg_Just_Tried_A_Little_Harder | Climate change is here now, floods, droughts, once in a century storms. And the frustrating part for me as a climatologist is that this could all have been avoided. Scientific consensus is clear. There is a way to reverse course. And that is for Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg to try a little harder. People get... |
dropout | Every_Terrible_Thing_Trump_Has_Done_As_President | And now, every terrible thing Trump has done as President!
Except not all of them because we didn't have enough time to put them in a single video!
He dealt like Corona went to Oklahoma to hold super-spatter events With hell-COVID money he said it'd be funny to be a midterm president Adam much for opposing the client... |
dropout | the_gross_smoothie_game_show | Hi, I'm Mike Trapp. Welcome to Smoothie of Death!
Today we think of ketchup as a tomato product. But people in Europe and Asia were making ketchup long before they discovered tomatoes in the Americas. What food was ketchup originally made of?
Zach, I think you were first. Uh, Chili's? No, the answer is not Chili's. E... |
cracked | 700k_subscribers_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, it's Alex with a celebratory. The Cracked YouTube channel just hit 700,000 subscribers. And we are partying our butts off. Normally when a website has something awesome happen, they just sit back and let the money roll in. But I want to do something special, which is why I'm going to give this crack dispens... |
cracked | why_the_scooby_doo_mystery_team_is_terrible_at_mysteries | Yes, okay. We did it, gang. The trap worked.
Now I think it's time to find out who the carnival ghost really is. What?! Jankers! I don't believe it.
It's an old man. It's just an old man, you guys.
Not good. So this whole time the ghost that was haunting the abandoned carnival was really just a creepy old man!
Yeah... |
dropout | marpac_competitive_sleeping_league | Hello everyone, I am Alex Papacostas and this is Chip Fletcher. You think you're a strong sleeper? Well think again.
The world's best aren't gathering cars since it in Vada for the 2018 competitive Sleeping League Championships, sponsored by Marpad. And they're all competing for the title of world's best sleeper. That... |
cracked | horton_mccartney_mccain_neverland_news_3_17_08 | It's Monday, March 17, 2008, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm here to remind you of the mess you made when you went away. Paul McCartney and Heather Mills' ongoing divorce battle is wrapping up. It looks like it'll be costing poor Paul an arm and Heather's other leg.
Over the weekend, Horton ... |
dropout | start_up_guys_at_internet_week_hardly_working | Sambo? Sambo! Oh no. Sambo, thank you! Haha! Sambo!
What's hi? Hi, I'm just using the... No need to explain further, actually Hunter and I were just looking for a friendly toilet after last week's intense round of Internet Week parties.
Oh, very, very intense. Kicked it off Monday night at Prometheus with a party lik... |
TheOnion | a_v_club_inventory_protested_movies | Today we're here to talk about protested movies, movies that were so controversial that people took to the streets with their picket signs and protested against them. My movie is The Last Temptation of Christ. The most blasphemous, the most disrespectful, the most satanic movie that's ever been filmed. The title refers... |
SaturdayNightLive | jake_gyllenhaal_and_bowen_yang_can_t_get_sabrina_carpenter_s_song_out_of_their_heads_snl | Hi, I'm Jake Gyllenhaal, and I'm hosting the season finale of Snl this week with Sabrina Carpenter. Sabrina, your song is stuck in my head. Oh, thanks, Bowen. yeah, it's like. summertime's coming, everybody's in the board shorts! Oh, that's not my song, I don't think. sure it is. it's like. summertime board shorts hang... |
TheOnion | US_To_Trade_Gold_Reserves_For_Cash_Through_Cash4Gold_com | With the national debt climbing to an estimated 11 trillion dollars the White House announced an emergency economic plan today Training the national gold reserves for cash through precious metal buyers cash for gold.com Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner devised the measure after viewing this television commercial for... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Thursday_16th_April | Good afternoon, good evening or good morning, wherever it is you're listening inside the Diamantina Shire or outside of it. My name is Wendell Hussey and this is the Batutah Advocate's Daily News Bulletin. Before we get started with your bite sized audio update, just a reminder that if you are listening on the main Bat... |
dropout | parking_a_giant_robot_is_hard | Good job, gang! Looks like Jordan Hogg's life was cut off. Nice.
I don't know about you guys, but I could go for some food. Ooh, let's go to Waffle Crock! Ooh, home of the slow-cooked waffle. Soggy on the outside, soft on the inside. I don't know, guys.
I really hate trying to find parking in that part of town. Oh, c... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_144_Claudia_Karvan | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live here in the old city district downtown Batooter, Budgie Smuggler Studios, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overall and of course Errol Parker, how are ... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_power_pad | This week on Gleeploop, we are checking out one of Nintendo's first attempts to change the way you control games, the Power Pack. I'm Jeff Rubin, and joining me in this effort will be Christian Finnegan, who's one-hour Comedy Central special premieres May 9th, and of course from college humor, Kevin Corrigan and Pat Ca... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Good_Will_Hunting | Do you like apples? Yeah. I got a number. How do you like them apples?
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'll be looking at Good Will Hunting, a classic story of a protagonist overcoming obstacles in order to attain a goal. Featuring supporting characters, an... |
cracked | 7_dvd_commentaries_that_got_too_real | Seven. Commentary. Track that. Now two. Real. I asked Michael why it's easier to train oil drillers to become astronauts than it was to train astronauts to become oil drillers. And he told me to shut, shut, shut the f**k up. So that was the end of that talk. Oh, one whole week? Now you know how to fly into space? I nee... |
SaturdayNightLive | garrett_from_hinge_snl | Can't believe we just did that. Every time you're in town, you suck me back in. It's because we were meant for each other. baby. God, you know I bailed on a date tonight because of you.
Oh, you're bad. now. come on. shall I make some pancakes? Daddy's special recipe?
Hey God, Um, what's up? What are you doing in my h... |
cracked | least_effective_drug_intervention_ever_agents_of_cracked_episode_10 | Hello, welcome. Thanks for checking in to the age of cracked cracked urean collection in HD Stick around and watch the whole episode and then afterwards we'll share anecdotes behind the scenes Things there will be giveaways They will not there will not be a single giveaway There will be one give only one giveaway Eatin... |
dropout | women_almost_having_it_all_compilation | Hey boys, how's it going fellas? We're here to talk to you about our bodies.
More specifically, what goes on during that time of the month. You know, when anti-flow comes to visit, when the old red ribbon is hanging on the door. Shock week, the blob riding the cotton pony to blood town.
Our periods! Because they're r... |
TheOnion | Purity_Of_War_Marred_By_One_Bad_Apple_In_Afghanistan | The purity of war is ruined by one bad apple in Afghanistan. Ray Ban is a little unsure the public can pull off its 2012 series of sunglasses, and a report shows the closing of state aviary facilities has put hundreds of mentally ill birds on the streets. Keep moving and don't look back. It's too late for me now. This ... |
ClickHole | how_to_compliment_jeremy_renner_on_facebook_video_tutorial | Hey guys, today I'm going to teach you how to compliment Jeremy Renner on Facebook. Jeremy's a great actor and it is right to compliment him.
Now the first thing that we're going to want to do is log into Facebook and find Jeremy Renner's page. So just type his name in the search bar, it'll pop right up. Alright, so t... |
cracked | one_direction_zayn_malik_omg_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with another I have been doing a little video editing here and a lot of catching up on the news about One Direction and Zayn Malik a name I had to look up as soon as my friend star gets here we can get it Hey, hey, hey, there she is. My friend star is here I'm gonna take a break from the editin... |
cracked | why_parents_who_over_share_on_social_media_ruin_their_kids | Hey, new parents online, your baby is adorable, and I love that picture video blog post you posted about them. It's pretty weird that I said that, right? You know, because I don't know you, but guess what? You posted that thing, which means it's not just me who can say that about your baby. Now, don't get me wrong, I t... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Boycotts_5G_Housing_Bubble_and_the_NRL_22_05_20 | You're listening to The Batooter Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate's Weekly News Bulletin on Desert Rock FM. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of The Batooter Advocate, of course Errol Parker, editor-at-large. You've got all three of us this week. It... |
dropout | hardly_working_family_guy | What's really the difference between an impression and an impersonation? Well, an impersonation is when you're impersonating a person.
Alright, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hey Sam, don't you do a really good Family Guy impression? Ugh, yeah. Oh, come on, come on, you have to. You have to do it.
I'm not ... |
dropout | drunk_girl_therapist_2 | After our second child, John and I haven't been intimate in months. It's been a while since I felt sexy. I don't say this to just anyone, but you're like hot as hell. Thank you. I would kill it if I had your tits. I'm very kind, but I...
Shit. Sorry, shit. Sorry. I swear I had it on, baby. This is a mess. Oh my god, f... |
cracked | better_versions_of_your_favorite_movies_and_shows_yboc_harry_potter_firefly_walking_dead | Hey there nerds, I'm Dr. Jordan Breeding, and you're watching your Brain on Cracked, the only show on Cracked that's basically Star Wars because it's also mostly shot in front of a green screen and stars mainly white people. And speaking of alternatives to famous media that you're getting tired of, in this episode we'r... |
TheOnion | dr_good_s_ultimate_shot_giveaway_dr_good_ep_3 | Tomorrow on Dr. Good, it's a celebration of life as Dr. Good grants his fans dying wishes to pass away on the show. Give it up for their lives. These were great people. You won't want to miss these final moments. Call it. Time of death. 10.43 AM. Touch your candle to mine and it will start with an amazing end to an ama... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Inner_City_Lefties_Statues_Americans_Threaten_To_Vote_19_06_20 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly news bulletin. You're joined today by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, and of course editor at large.
How are you, Errol? Good, mate. Slum at sea. I'm good to see you. ... |
TheOnion | Owner_s_Box_Your_Friend_s_Death_Could_Leave_6_8_Quality_Starters_For_Pick_Up | Owner's Box, brought to you by Lenovo. You need a computer to play fantasy football, might as well be this one. If your hands are beaten and brittle, feel free to sample the jojoba and lavender ointment inside the owner's box.
I'm Barry Bigwell and this week we're talking last minute pick up tips as you push toward th... |
dropout | what_is_the_coolest_way_to_murder_someone | The next question is, what is the coolest way to murder someone?
I'm Katie Mervich, and today I'm joined by Rekha Shankar, Adam Conover, and Rafael Chastain. Hello. Rafael, we'll begin with you.
My first answer is, boxing match. I think it would be very cool to kill someone in a boxing match.
You would be very stron... |
SaturdayNightLive | dune_popcorn_bucket_snl | Hey, Rudy. hey. are you gonna be around after school? definitely. cool. me too. Gaby is so cute. seriously, bro? I know. Look, can I tell you guys something? yeah, of course.
So, my parents are going out of town tonight, which means I'm gonna have the house to myself. Wait. does that mean? I think it's gonna happen to... |
dropout | internet_bridge_troll | So that's the difference between trail mix and GORP. Aren't there M&Ms too? No, because that would be GORP. Oh, good point.
Guys, look at this bridge, it's huge. Who dares approach my bridge?
Oh my god, it's a troll. A troll? Don't worry guys, I know how to handle this. I assume we'll have to answer your questions 3.... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Interstellar | It's hard leaving everything, my kids, your father. We're going to be spending a lot of time together. We should learn to talk.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'm going to be looking at Interstellar, a new science fiction film about a team of space travelers who journey through a wormho... |
SaturdayNightLive | covid_dinner_discussion_snl | I'm so glad we're doing this. my favorite restaurant is my favorite people's. Honey, I agree 100%. You know what? this is so fun. dinner is on us. oh, uh, wow. but, um, Keith, you know you can take your mask off at the table.
Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know. I'm wearing it half the time. Well, I heard the Cdc is gonna lif... |
TheOnion | Elon_Musk_Rushed_To_Hospital_After_Attempting_To_Impregnate_Toaster | Elon Musk has been hospitalized after severely burning the lower half of his body in a failed attempt to impregnate a toaster. Sources confirm the 52-year-old tech billionaire was airlifted without pants from Austin, Texas to the Grossman Burn Center in Kansas City, Missouri to undergo an experimental grafting surgery ... |
TheOnion | Congress_1924_Rep_Demands_Horses_Wear_Dresses_To_Hide_Foul_Penises | Distinguished gentlemen of the 68th Congress, respect the calm and modesty that the bedrock upon which this country is built. Yet each day in town squares and public streets, throughout the land, untold numbers of citizens are offended by the sight of horse penises, a national embarrassment and constant scourge to dece... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_queen_moves_out_of_buckingham_palace_box_of_heads_stolen_snl | The new Hbo show, Gilded Age, is being praised for highlighting wealthy Black families that lived in New York in the late 1800s until they were driven out by wealthy industrialist Colin Jost I. It was reported that Queen Elizabeth Ii has permanently moved out of Buckingham Palace, and this is weird, in with John Mayer.... |
CrackerMilk | discovering_your_roommate_has_been_a_puppet_the_whole_time | Hey, you wanna hang out later? Sorry dude, I got work tonight.
Who the hell are these people? What the hell's going on? What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what's going on? Elias has these weird freaks around him moving his arms! Because he's a puppet goner. What? What's wrong with you man?
I just wanna hang out... |
SaturdayNightLive | carter_n_sons_bbq_swine_fever_saturday_night_live | The final commercial was filmed in 2002, before the outbreak of the Swine Flu virus. Hi, I'm Ronnie Carter. come on down to Carter & Sons, where one taste of our signature pulled pork barbecue, and you'll have Swine Fever. The management of Carter & Sons would like to clarify that swine fever is not related to the H1n1... |
cracked | 6_historic_events_that_were_nothing_like_you_picture_them_the_spit_take | About 200,000 years ago, our species airdropped into existence with the same exact fancy brains and clumsy generals we have today. Five and a half thousand years ago, we invented writing stuff down, and history started. The first 97% of the existence of our species is prehistory, and it's like those years in the 70s th... |
TheOnion | Proud_Time_To_Be_A_Cowering_Sack_Of_Shit_As_Democrats_Back_Off_Assault_Weapons_Ban | The Supreme Court's sidekick, Kid Justice, is killed by mad genius Dr. Contempto. Thousands of elderly Japanese Americans are rounded up for an internment camp's 70th reunion, and a report confirms the habitat of Bengal tigers is now down to a studio apartment in Jaipur, India. As it was once prophesied in the weekly n... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Onward | Ritrigore Invisia! Hey, you can do this.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today, I'll be looking at Disney Pixar's Onward, a fantasy film following two teenage elf brothers who inherit a wizard's staff with the power to reunite them with their dead father. A far-fetched and frankly implausible... |
cracked | 5_movie_villains_who_were_secretly_the_good_guys | Five million people were right all along! Is that how I get around so fast? See? I have these rocket boots. Skippy here made sure that... Incredible! You're not affiliated with me! I'll sell my inventions so that everyone can be superheroes. Everyone can be super!
Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumn... |
SaturdayNightLive | seth_macfarlane_monologue_the_voices_saturday_night_live | Thank you, everybody. it is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. You know, I have loved this show since I was a kid and I promised myself there was one thing I would do if I ever got to host. So if you'll just indulge me for a moment, please go out with me. Farrah Fawcett. Okay, I guess I guess I made that ... |
SaturdayNightLive | traffic_altercation_snl | What is that lady doing? She almost plowed into us! Lunatic! Oh my God, Dad, don't be so awkward! Well, she almost caused an accident just to sit there and bumper to bumper traffic. Hey! hello! hey! you cut me off! you drive crazy! you know what?
Eat, Eat me! Eat Me! that's a lie! you lie! shame on you! Okay. Eat, eat... |
TheOnion | Seasons_Turn_Gracefully_From_The_One_That_Kills_Old_People_To_The_One_That_Kills_Homeless_People | NCIS ends its print edition, Obama has that weird sex dream about the nation again, and Jack Palance is still dead at 87. Look on this work ye mighty and despair, this is the Onion Week in Review. This week sources across the nation confirmed that the seasons were gently and gracefully turning from the one that kills A... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_weary_mother_in_her_darkest_hour_on_rihanna_s_pregnancy_snl | Rihanna has been showing off her baby bump and sexy maternity looks at Paris Fashion Week. here to comment is Pauline, a weary mother in her darkest hour. I believe it, Michael. I'm pregnant again. Well, how you doing, Pauline? Congratulations. it must be such an exciting time. exciting for who, Michael? last time I ga... |
dropout | the_oscars_for_frat_bros | Hey, what's up?
It's the Broskers, the first award show for sweet movies instead of art bullshit. Give it up for your host, Fat Nick. I'm not fucking fat anymore. For years, bros have used movies as a way to have fun and to chill.
From the dope killing sprees of the Boondock Saints to the mad deepness of Donnie Darko... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_the_avengers | You and me, we stay here on the ground, we keep the fighting here, and Hulk, smash. The Avengers Marvel's cinematic juggernaut about a bunch of superheroes who never spend any time with their families is packed with some awesome trivia you might have missed the first time around. Here are some facts that will change th... |
dropout | murderous_houses_morning_drawfee | Welcome to Morning Drawfee, I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan. And this is episode two of our YouTube sensation, the YouTube version of our show.
And as suggested by Olivia Collette, we're going to be drawing murderous houses. Murderous houses.
What is that, you might ask? Well, I'm going to draw what I think it is. And then,... |
dropout | balloon_boy_gets_scolded | You were in a box in the attic? You're in big trouble, mister. You're in big trouble. You had the whole world worried sick.
You're gonna have a nickname now. I hope you realize that. Balloon Boy. Unbelievable. I'm sorry. Unbelievable. Do you have any idea how many tweets there were about you, young man? You were trend... |
Wizards_with_Guns | you_ll_never_guess_the_ethnicity_of_this_man_ | Hey Mitch, what's up? This is my trainer. I'll be right back. I gotta change my pants. Hey. How's it going? Hi, I'm Richard. I'm white. Okay.
Great. I can give you the tour. Wow. I love this house.
As a white guy? Yeah, as a white guy? Speaking as a white person? Why as a white person?
Your candle has such a rich, d... |
TheOnion | Romney_s_Super_Tuesday_Polls_Surge_After_He_Begins_Flaunting_His_Wealth | All right, it is Super Tuesday, and we're deep in the 2012 trenches with David Baradale and Piper Cahill. Now, Mitt Romney, of course, is the man to beat today, due in large part to his campaign's new tactic of flaunting his wealth. Piper, do you agree with this tactic? Absolutely, Andrea. No more downplaying his milli... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_justice_amy_coney_barrett_on_overturning_roe_v_wade_snl | This week, the Supreme Court seemed poised to fully overturn Roe V. Wade. here to comment is conservative Justice Amy Coney Barrett. thank you for being here. I am jazzed and juiced. right, I'm guessing you're pretty happy with the draft of the ruling. Well, I don't know what would make you think that other than everyt... |
cracked | the_most_wtf_mcdonald_s_feature_in_movies | What are some really weird McDonald's features? First up, Richie Rich's personal McDonald's is basically hell on earth. The 1994 family comedy about America's cataclysmic wealth inequality, Richie Rich, revealed that Richie has his own personal, fully functional McDonald's located in his house. This wacky idea may have... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Win_For_Aussie_Troops_QLD_Energy_Grid_Crippled_A_Local_Boomer_s_Big_Demand_More_May_28 | You're listening to the Petuta Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to Petuta Advocate Weekly News Board and there's been a lot going on in the news this week. There often is but this week in particular has been pretty, I guess you'd say chaotic. The parliament house culture of rape and sexua... |
cracked | taking_down_amazon_com_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex working the night away to bring you another It's time. I did some hard-hitting issue driven video making Today we're talking about amazon.com to research Amazon. I made my very first Amazon order I was so broke before this job and received This it's called a selfie stick and it lets you take be... |
SaturdayNightLive | space_shuttle_snl | One, Two, one, and solid. Better attention and good job. Okay, Houston, everything looks real good up here. all the comforts of home. Scheduled Eva should commence at 0700 hours, sir.
Oh, Roger, Columbia, you're going for another orbit, so we'll shut down here while you guys get some shut-eye. Roger, okay, boys, wave ... |
TheOnion | FBI_Offering_1_Million_Reward_For_Any_Information_On_Cheetahs | The FBI announced today it is offering an up to $1 million reward for any information on cheetahs. Special Agent in Charge Jeremy Hastings spoke to the press earlier this morning. Basically we're asking anyone who knows any facts about cheetahs to come forward immediately. Especially anyone who is aware of how fast che... |
SaturdayNightLive | eddie_in_new_jersey_snl | Hi. A few years ago, I moved to a small town in New Jersey. and my pal, Eddie Murphy, would come out occasionally. we'd hang out, and he would always comment how much he would like to live there. So sure enough, this past summer, Eddie became a neighbor. Now, I really never thought he'd do it, because, I mean, you've g... |
dropout | Pete_Holmes_Badman_Complete_Series | Come on, man, I got kids to feed! Oh, they don't like falafel? Don't you guys thought it'd be a bad idea? Thank you, that solves most of my problems!
Where were the other drugs going? I never knew! Wait, what? I said, where were the other drugs going?
Why are you talking like that? It's a bad voice. It's a bat. Reall... |
cracked | geek_week_s_global_geekery_monday_cracked_fact_youtube_extra | Hey YouTube.com, welcome again to Geek Week. This is Global Geekery Day. I'm Cody from crack.com. I was actually just in the middle of filming a sketch and I had to come do this so they beat the shit out of me because I'm delaying the shoot over there. Fun fact for Global Geekery Day, Harry Potter, the series that mayb... |
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