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SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_m3gan_2_0_snl | You want a new dance you can do on Tiktok? Well, then gag on this.
Yeah! hey, everybody. we're getting into makeup. Mikey detested saying, you Have to play Megan. A week later, I happened to be with Aubrey. brag. and we also talked about Megan. And then I saw it on Sunday, and here we are. that's how it happens, baby.... |
dropout | nobody_younger_than_me_can_be_successful | Okay, Grant, what will get you to stop interacting with me forever? This girl I went to bird camp with... Bird camp. Ignore it. This girl I went to bird camp with just published a book and she's younger than me.
So what? Yeah.
Oh my god, Ali, are you that naive? Is your head full of dough?
People younger than me doi... |
SaturdayNightLive | make_your_own_kind_of_music_snl | In 1969, Mama Cass of the Mamas and The Papas recorded a solo single. this is footage of that session. you've got to make your own kind of music, sing your own special song. make your own kind of music, even if nobody else sings along. cut and print. Oh, you nailed that. Take, Mama Cass. you really think so, Mitch? Oh,... |
cracked | why_weinstein_isn_t_a_hollywood_problem_it_s_a_men_problem_some_news | Here's some news. President Trump wants more credit for his great job with Puerto Rico, but also warns them that he can't help forever because they've got financial problems. So he's going to give them a five billion dollar loan because the definition of relief is crippling debt.
But he also doesn't want us to talk ab... |
dropout | this_guy_is_cooler_than_you_hardly_working | Isn't it sick? I got it on sale at the mall for like 800 bucks. Do you guys wanna come to my place after work and watch a movie? Yeah, for sure, I'm in. Oh, I can't. I'm going to Shelly Bayou's birthday, so. Oh, right, and you should hit us up after. Oh, I doubt it. I mean, this is a Shelly Bayou's house. You know how ... |
dropout | sh_tflix | Remember those film recommendations based on your interests that somehow don't interest you at all? They're all here. For you to ignore. It's perfect for people who hated paying for all of Netflix when all they really wanted was to watch Disney Channel Originals and the occasional documentary about how horrible food is... |
dropout | the_shocking_way_private_prisons_make_money_adam_ruins_everything | You got me into this? No, you get me out! I promise, I have someone working on it.
But in the meantime, this is a great opportunity to explain why our nation's prison system is a failure on every level. So you know a lot about prison?
I bet you watch a lot of PBS documentaries, huh? I guess you're right, I do like fi... |
dropout | every_ncaa_bracket_strategy | Hey guys. March Madness is coming up. Want to get an office pool going?
Yeah, that sounds like fun. Do you hear that? I hear that.
It's money. These fucking nobodies are about to get taken for a ride and they're too stupid to see it coming. I know these teams backwards and forwards. I've got years all over the countr... |
dropout | beer_beer_goggles | Oh, yeah, I like how happy that is vanilla undertones last call I wonder where Mike's at man. Can I see him? What the hell is he doing? Look what he's got his lips all over. He's so wasted man Got those beer beer goggles on beer goggles. No beer beer Mike bro, what are you doing with that macro brew man? This man.
Thi... |
TheOnion | Why_Does_It_Seem_Like_Movie_Ratings_Are_Harder_On_Willem_Dafoe_Sex_Than_Willem_Dafoe_Violence | Movie ratings are supposed to help protect viewers from inappropriate content, right? Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker! But how does the ratings board decide what's appropriate, and what happens if they're biased? In particular, why does it seem like ratings are so much more strict when it comes to Willem Dafoe-related sex ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_259_Tim_Ross_talks_Australian_architecture_Part_2 | and welcome back to the Matoota Advocate Podcast. This is part two of our thrilling interview with Tim Ross talking about Australian architecture, Australian design and what it looks like moving forward and what it has looked like over the years past. The first episode was quite a stimulating discussion. It was such a ... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_grandkids_in_the_movies_saturday_night_live | The following is a message for old people. Hi. has this ever happened to you? you're watching a movie, and you get confused and scared because you don't recognize anyone? Well, you're not alone. I used to get scared all the time, but not anymore. because my wife took all the movies and put my grandkids in them. they're... |
dropout | making_boring_holidays_sexy | What's the matter? Father's Day is coming up. I have no idea what to get my daddy. Tell me about it.
My dad, he buys everything that he wants for himself, so it makes it normal. Not my dad. My daddy. Our daddies, Raph. Isn't that what I just said? No, not a dad. A daddy. Like daddy. Oh, like a sex daddy? Yes, exactly.... |
dropout | no_one_likes_m_night_shyamalan | No! Bro! I want my funny back! Oh no!
What is going on? Everyone groaned when they saw my name. I... I don't understand. Maybe people don't like your movies anymore? No. It has to be something else. I mean...
It's like when people see my movies, they're disappointed. Look, your movies are based on twists. And even th... |
cracked | 4_bizarrely_disturbing_implications_of_children_s_movies_today_s_topic | Wow, kids are way too sheltered these days, man. I'm sorry? Kids movies. It's all happy-go-lucky now. It's just bland.
When I was a kid, I watched Sarah Jessica Parker suck the soul out of a child. Nancy Broderick is boyishly handsome, sure, but a child? Hocus Pocus. It's a fun, happy, kids Halloween movie that opens ... |
dropout | hardly_working_the_egg | Hey guys, so remember the time exactly one month ago that we all had hardcore sex with each other? Yeah. No, don't. You weren't invited. Okay. Anyway, I'm pregnant from that, and one of you is the father. So here's what's gonna happen, I bought a bunch of eggs, I'm gonna give you each an egg, and you need to care for t... |
cracked | all_the_times_viggo_mortensen_almost_died_making_lord_of_the_rings | Viggo Mortensen was a last-minute replacement to play Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, which is kind of amazing considering that it's arguably the most important role. The reluctant king who risked life and limb to save, uh, just everything. Almost everything. Still, Viggo showing up at the 11 o'clock hour was... |
cracked | the_horrifying_truth_about_the_flintstones_today_s_topic | A-choo! Bless you. A-choo! Bless you. A-choo!
Gizoon-tite? What are we doing? Hey, speaking of great gazoo from the Flintstones...
No! What? No! What?
You brought it up, man. But it's good, because I've been thinking about gazoo lately. A lot. Lately. Like, a lot. I am the great gazoo, and I thank you for rescuing m... |
dropout | all_r_a_floor | In the fall of 2008, through some housing assignment error, Quendleton State University put all resident advisors on the same floor. This is that floor.
Well, welcome everybody. Yes, welcome. It is so exciting to see you all here. So many new faces. Great.
Well, let's take our seats. Okay, take your seats. Alright, n... |
cracked | five_stages_of_watching_a_batman_movie_feat_onlyleigh | HELL YEAH, BATMAN! Standing here in line really gets me thinking, do we need another Batman? I mean sure, superhero films are the movie goer norm right now, but it seems there's a new Batman adaption every couple of years. Every time it's darker, grittier, more morally ambiguous. Don't get me wrong, I like Batman, but ... |
cracked | steve_jobs_placed_one_of_the_first_online_pizza_delivery_orders | One of the first online pizza deliveries was ordered by Steve Jobs. In 1994, an early Pizza Hut website serving Santa Cruz, California featured rudimentary online ordering. But every order required a follow-up phone call to make sure the pizza wasn't a prank. After observing Sandra Bullock's character seamlessly order ... |
TheOnion | Search_Crews_Continue_To_Look_For_Obviously_Dead_Hikers | It's now been seven days since a group of hikers went missing in Maine's Acadia National Park, but rescue crews there are still holding out hope of finding them alive. Autistic reporter Michael Falk is on the scene there.
Michael. Hello, Brooke. My socks got wet. That cameraman gave me new socks. I am fine. All right,... |
cracked | the_invention_of_first_aid_stuff_that_must_have_happened | Oh! Hey! Ew! Sorry! I'm sorry! Do something! Yeah, let's get out of here!
No!
I'm dying!
It's fine! Everything's so gross! This is fine!
I saw a medicine man do this once. Seth, I don't know if you know this, but you're like stabbing him right in his womb! I know that! He's losing blood and we need to keep the bloo... |
cracked | the_5_most_baffling_moments_from_old_school_kids_game_shows_does_not_compute | Hey everybody, and welcome to episode Psychic Pool Ball of Does Not Compute, installments of which are released every other Monday with utter regularity. I'm your host, Mexican Soda, and to get my co-host back online, let's throw it over to the lab for a segment I'm calling Myself, Mr. Science, Master Scientifician. He... |
dropout | full_benefits_double_date | Goodnight.
David! What?
Morning. How'd you sleep?
Like a rock. You? Yeah. Me too. Like a rock.
Hey! Where you headed?
Uh, nowhere. Just going home. No plans. Nothing going on.
Uh, you? Yeah, same. Just going home. Okay. Cool! Uh, so I am going to go pee. Oh, okay. I'll wait.
Hey! Are you ready to go? Hey! I thou... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_The_Budget_David_Attenborough_Stressed_Students_More_09_10_20 | Where's Errol today? Wendell is not with us, he's got something going on with that daughter of his that he doesn't talk about that often from when he was in the army.
Oh yeah right. She's graduating up there in Townsville. So he's gone up there again hasn't he? Yeah yeah he's had to go up there. Hopefully we see him s... |
CrackerMilk | how_the_x_factor_is_rigged | Now, which one is sick? Sorry, what? Which one of your family have a terminal illness? Which one? Maybe you're confusing me with one of the other contestants. I don't have anyone in my family with a terminal illness. Oh, of course, sorry, sorry, that's a silly question to ask. What I meant was which one was dead?
Dead... |
cracked | mcdonald_s_has_so_many_mascots_you_definitely_don_t_remember | So, with all these thieves running rampant, who are their foes?
Well, the Hamburger Government, Mayor McCheese and Officer Big Mac, both of whom are still intensely frightening, but at least less confusing. Hamburger Town, Hamburger Mayor, Hamburger Cobb, I can process this.
There were also thieves assigned to other ... |
dropout | black_widow_is_not_a_fake_nerd_girl_all_nighter_2014 | Shoot at him. He's in a long-term relationship and has more to lose. No, no, shoot trap! He has high blood pressure, so basically any shot's a kill shot.
Shut up! Get on your knees. Yes, sir! Oh no! Black Widow! Oh my god!
We're saved! Don't worry, boys. You're safe now.
Nice Avengers pin. Oh, thank you. Uh, yeah, I... |
dropout | two_dudes_in_a_sleeping_bag_with_jason_bateman | When I see you, I see a warmth and an intelligence that makes me want more. I feel like there's an insult right on the back end of this. No, no, no, no. Keep going.
Well, when you see me... I can always count on a great hat, a minivan, and a hug. Did you want a hug now?
No. You got one earlier? That's enough? Mm-hmm.... |
dropout | Your_Sad_Story_Is_NOT_The_Same_as_Mine | Honey, you were too good for him. You are gonna tell us everything while we go down on some greens. I know breakups are never easy, but we 1000% relate, okay? I promise you are not alone. We've been dating for seven years and he broke up with me over text message, you guys. Who actually does that? Honey, I know exactly... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Wrong_Turn_Mum_Saves_The_Day_The_Perfect_Date_More_February_3 | January's over, it's all over, we're into the year, you can't talk about getting back into the swing of things, it's all expected of you at this point. This is probably the engine room of the year right now, there's no sport on. The India tour, I'm just about to start, but I know how much you despise test cricket, espe... |
dropout | hardly_working_spoiler_alerts | Turns out it was a clerical error.
I never even had an STD. You guys believe me, right? Yeah, definitely. You don't have an STD. No.
Oh, did you guys see Delia's catch last night? Yeah! How funny was it when the green horn on the Cornelia Marie slipped while unloading the crab traps? Yes! AHHH! Thanks a lot, David!
... |
dropout | 8_people_who_have_accomplished_more_than_you_at_every_age | Check it out! I could play Bob-O-Black Sheep! I just composed my first symphony. I could also play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Isn't that the same tune? Do you like it? Some people think it's one of the greatest pieces of Spanish art. Yeah!
I like this one better. I painted it earlier this year. Mine has... Mine has ... |
wearethesundayblues | hippo_croc_how_animals_respond_to_youtube_comments | Hey you. Did you read any comments from our last video? Mmm. No, I didn't.
Mostly upset fatties. Dude, you can't say that. It's a comment. You can't tell if a person's fat or not from something like that. Well, let's take this comment for example. America was pretty or fank of M American. Due to the poor grammar and m... |
dropout | perfect_fantasy_world | We asked the College Humor staff what their fantasy life would be like if they could escape their everyday reality. This is what they said. My perfect fantasy world, I guess I'm envisioning it to be sort of like a parallel universe. I have two dads and one is Gordon Bombay from The Mighty Ducks and one is Coach Taylor ... |
dropout | nick_dee_on_the_2002_nba_all_star_weekend | Hello, and welcome to Rob's Hall of Fame, where in every episode we have a guest who tries to convince me of why their underrated favorites deserves to be in my Hall of Fame. Today we have Nick D. That's me.
This is a wild story. By the end of it, someone will die. No bullshit. You think I'm bullshit. No bullshit. Som... |
dropout | we_challenge_you_not_to_yawn | I challenge you to watch this whole video without yawning. For many of you, seeing me yawn just now is enough to make you want to yawn too, but can you suppress it? Already you can feel a tightening in the back of your throat, a moistness in the eyes, a gentle pressure in the ears, a tenseness that you know can be reli... |
dropout | star_trek_confusion | We've got no captain, and we've got no first officer to replace him! Yeah, we do.
Kurt, this is most illogical, you've only just left Starfleet Academy, you don't have the knowledge or experience. Enough with your Vulcan logic, Spock, I've seen all this done a hundred times.
As you wish, Cap... Umm... Is there a prob... |
TheOnion | Should_Adults_Be_Allowed_To_Bring_Kids_To_R_Rated_Movies_Where_We_Masturbate | I'm Clifford Banes, wearing a perfect latex Juliana McAnus mask.
A recent survey by the MPAA found that 56% of parents have taken their young children to at least one R-rated movie during the past year. But aren't four and five-year-olds too young to watch me masturbating in the movie theater? Oh, way too young. Oh, i... |
cracked | 6_historical_figures_who_were_thirsty_af | I'm cracked video writer Carmen Angelica and today I want to talk to you about the thirst throughout history. No, I'm not talking about the times in history when people wanted soda or water or mead. That would be boring. I'm talking about the thirst. Where a male or female does anything for the opposite sex or same sex... |
cracked | the_definitive_answer_to_game_of_thrones_biggest_mystery | Hi Game of Thrones fans, I'm David Benioff and I'm DB Weiss this year You the fans made Game of Thrones the most popular successful talked about television show ever Mainly because of the big question about Jon Snow So DB and I got together to give you the fans a treat We're gonna debate the Jon Snow question right her... |
SaturdayNightLive | raw_talk_saturday_night_live | Oh, yeah. yeah, you like that, don't you? I bet you do. Oh, give it to me. Hi, Jack, this is Georgia. Ooh, yeah.
Hi, this is Candy. who's this? Hi, uh, this is David.
I'm calling for the Raw talk. Oh, you sound hot, David. are you feeling hot? Oh, yeah. me too. And you know what I want? I want to run my hands down an... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_stefon_on_valentine_s_day_s_hottest_tips_snl | This weather's been crazy, right? I know. everywhere I go, it's like 100 degrees. right. right.
Now, Stefan, lots of New York couples will be stepping out for Valentine's Day. where should they go if they want an evening to remember? I have the perfect spot. New York's hottest club is Boof. Located in a abandoned orph... |
cracked | the_greatest_internet_video_never_made | All right Noel, thank you for coming by and looking at your phone Now it's the way things are now, you know, but I just want to say we all really like the script I think we will I mean I'll end up on the site I think it's safe to say an iteration of this iteration, but this is a notes meeting And I don't want you to fe... |
dropout | skeleton_comes_alive_prank_amazing_reactions | One, two, three. No! Let's roll that back. Oh Zetero, it's quite beautiful isn't it? Like the vine cooler exploded at the sorority house. Here he is demonstrating his patented dance move, the shriek and flee.
They are so scared that their hands seem to be glued to the Ouija board. And then they ask the Ouija board, di... |
CrackerMilk | best_of_the_crackermilk_podcast | Welcome back to another episode of The Cracker Milk. Don't you let him finish. Let him finish it.
Go. Why? Let's shrink down with our magical shrinking ray. Connor? Elias?
Let's go to medieval times. Should we take the time machine or the stairs? I'm going to take the stairs.
Me too. Hey, rugby league player for Que... |
CrackerMilk | truth_or_dare_for_adults | So I found this article that was like how to subliminally tell him that he should propose to you. I know, it's amazing. Guys, I've got an idea.
Let's play truth or dare. Come on, come on, please, please, please. It was really fun when we used to do it. Yeah, okay, sure. You first, you first, you first, you first. You'... |
SaturdayNightLive | easter_cold_open_snl | Easter, the celebration of the rebirth of Christ. the bible tells us that three days after the crucifixion of Jesus, he rose from the dead. The first to witness this miracle were three women who had come to anoint the body of Jesus and tend to his tomb. this is the story of the Resurrection. This is it, the tomb where ... |
cracked | homeless_people_bother_me_people_watching_season_2_episode_3 | You look over there, making it look plausible. Oh, what's that? Pretending like I didn't notice him looking at me. Not admitting it. Keep on looking to the left like it's my thing. Looking left, nothing to do with him.
Oh, here we fucking go. Fuck off. I'm fucking broke and tired and stop fucking asking me. Do I have ... |
cracked | unbreakable_kimmy_schmidt_reaction_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with another we've had a lot of guests the past few weeks But today it's just me and my reaction to Netflix because my mom and dad keep telling me you gotta watch Tina Fey's new show Right now not to brag, but I met Tina Fey once going in blind I'm just gonna fire up the link here and respond t... |
dropout | owen_robinson_on_bill_spaceman_lee | Hello, and welcome to Rav's Hall of Fame, where every time we have a guest who tries to convince me that their underrated favorites should be in my Hall of Fame. Today we have Owen Robinson, good friend Owen Robinson.
Just as a reminder, if you're watching this on CH2, what are you doing? Subscribe to Dropout, you cou... |
dropout | the_bad_breath_holdout_sponsored | I'm like, I'm Eugene, and this is an angry, screaming, glazed monkey. Oh, glazed monkey, you're like a donut.
And here we are on Will It Kill It? Today's Will It Kill It Challenge is the Bad Breath Holdout. We'll stand over here at the Bad Breath table. Bye. And you will taste a variety of nasty foods. Then you're goi... |
TheOnion | World_s_Youngest_Person_Born | A cute couple is on the same anti-depressant, KY introduces a new line of jam, and the world's youngest person is born. One day somebody ought to take a torch to this whole goddamn place, but for now here is the Onion Week in Review. Thousands of outraged meth addicts urged the federal government this week to address t... |
dropout | hardly_working_puppet_sarah | Hello? Sarah, I need that PowerPoint yesterday. This is a multi-million dollar slideshow we're talking about.
Relax, Sam. I'm in it for the long haul. I'll get it done. Yeah, you better be. I'll be watching you. I think you bought it. Perfect. Let the video game playing continue. Oh no. Sam's coming to your desk. What... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_christian_finnegan | I love it that most of the people that send in photos to College Humor would gladly kick the shit out of the people who run College Humor. I empathize. I like, I love that College Humor is run by kind of sort of more of a, not sort of jock crowd.
I was not one with the jocks part of it. I was in the drama club. That's... |
dropout | dating_it_s_complicated_cat_person | During my freshman year of college, my girlfriend still lived at home, which meant we have a lot of sex without parental approval. Also, like a lot of teenagers, we tended to do it right under our parents' noses.
But her mom and dad had a weird philosophy about having no locks on any of the doors, even the bathrooms. ... |
TheOnion | Police_Officer_Explains_Why_The_Intoxicating_Rush_Of_Murder_Should_Always_Be_A_Last_Resort | Being a police officer is a difficult job. You're out there every day trying to protect and serve your community. In a dangerous situation, you're the person they call.
And if that dangerous situation turns violent, you know you're armed. But as every young training cadet is taught, you have to be absolutely sure befo... |
dropout | weed_anime_cartoon_hell_full_episode | Call Dolan Nathan are two cartoonists they love to draw, but they're not too smart, so we sold their souls to the TV devil for a cartoon show that features their art. They all shook hands and drank a tote. Neither could believe their new found one, but then on the way to the studio, they were both laid out by a hot dog... |
TheOnion | How_One_Hot_New_Device_Helps_Couples_Drag_Out_Their_Doomed_Relationship_That_Extra_Month_Or_Two | A Hard Morning calls for a soft drink of news with Jim and Tracy. Brought to you by 7up10. Great taste, only 10 calories. Get both with today now. Hey, coming up later in the hour, we'll teach you some simple tips for picking a favorite child. But first we have Get Both, the segment where we profile Americans who got e... |
dropout | gross_collectibles_prank | Oh, this is a 1986 Metz toenails. Last time the Metz were worth watching. Yeah, that's right. Last time their toenails were worth anything.
They've all been disinfected before we put them in the case. Totally clean.
400 bucks. This is, like, a total steal. We sold the 1985 Dodgers for, like, $1,000. Oh, that's just a... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Cost_Of_Living_Crisis_Sees_Local_Girl_Return_To_The_Broke_Woman_s_Mecca_Local_W_ | How are you going Effie? I'm good. We're going to head to some cabaret tonight which will be fun and I've heard back from Wendell about his areola reduction surgery. That's good to hear.
He doesn't have any shadows left over from the... No, apparently they actually took too much so they've got to do... Two cent nips. ... |
dropout | An_Interview_with_a_Very_Popular_European_Popstar_Very_Important_People_Full_Episode | Hey, I'm Anna Garcia. I'm here. I'm queer and I'm feeling a little nauseous about today Today we're giving this comedian a total transformation. I Love skullcaps. It feels so safe. They have no idea who or what they're about to become Once they see themselves in the mirror They'll have to make up a character on the spo... |
TheOnion | Bratz_Dolls_May_Give_Girls_Unrealistic_Expectations_Of_Head_Size | If you have a daughter, it's likely you're familiar with Bratz, the must-have doll for the under 10 set. But could these toys be promoting an unhealthy body image among young girls due to their unrealistically large heads? Here's Jean Ann Wharton to take us beyond the facts. Since their launch in 2001, Bratz dolls have... |
dropout | Gilchrest_Savoy_The_Wealthiest_Man_of_1906_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California. The only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News. The show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm J... |
SaturdayNightLive | serious_night_live_snl | Come on Kyle. our sketch was due an hour ago. we need to turn it in now. No, it needs to be perfect. I've got to keep writing, but we'll get in trouble. they don't like it when it's turned in late.
I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm going to keep on writing and I don't need to listen to you. you jealous? Hi, it's Ja... |
dropout | hardly_working_dan_does_his_own_thing | I mean, like, why would a bear need toilet paper though? Like, the commercial doesn't make sense. I mean, I think they're more civilized than we get from credit for.
Oh, uh, speaking of which, we should finish these beers and get going. Uh, Dan, you gonna come? Uh, no, thanks. I'm just gonna do my own thing tonight. O... |
dropout | the_guy_who_s_a_total_rap_snob_hardly_working | Oh my god, I just want two free tickets to see Cardi B. You wanna go? You don't like Cardi B?
You said you liked rap. Oh, Ali. First of all, I like hip-hop. But rap, as you call it, seems to have lost its way. Today's rap is wack.
Take Yeezy, he's too obsessed with his fancy Adidas. What if it happened to groups like... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_261_Gavin_Fang_Tracey_Kirkland | Clancy Overall and Wendell Hussey here today and today we've decided to look back in time to a time most of us would forget, particularly Victorians would like to forget. Actually it didn't really affect Queenslanders that much. We had the corrugated Iron Curtain that was Anastasia's closed borders.
And the virus we'r... |
dropout | hardly_working_why_so_numerous | Kill. The Bat. There. Go.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, what's going on here? I was supposed to be the only Joker here today.
Here's my card. You know how I got these scars? I was opening a can of tennis balls with my mouth, and my dad just came up and cut my face. It was so random. Here's my card.
Guys, ... |
SaturdayNightLive | glamgina_snl | Thanks for seeing me on short notice. I know you have a really busy schedule, but me thinks I know why. Cutest gyno in town. Oh, yeah, well, hey, if anyone reports inflammation for that long, I get concerned.
All right, let's take a look. Whoa! yes, doctor? see something you like?
No, dude, it's just, uh, did you, uh... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_alaska_airlines_buys_hawaiian_airlines_calendar_of_conservative_women_snl | So Vassa Stallone traveled to Philadelphia to celebrate the city's first ever Rocky Day. Although, I'd say that if you're living in Philadelphia, every day is a pretty rocky day. Oh.
Alaska Airlines has announced plans to buy Hawaiian Airlines for nearly $2 billion. Alaska and Hawaiian combined will be called technica... |
cracked | we_re_back_a_dinosaur_s_story_review_aka_chastity_flakes | Welcome to crack movie club the show where we do a book club but for movies which are like books but better. I'm your host Jordan breeding and I'm joined by my co host Jesse and Ali do you see that that was about as professionals we've ever done that was really good that was smooth felt like it again and actually recor... |
dropout | abc_ceo_no_more_racist_shows_ch_shorts | Hi America, my name is Brian Hatt, and I'm the CEO of ABC. Our company has always sought to produce wholesome original content that brings people together across the aisle, but recently we've had a couple big misses. Roseanne, Last Man Standing, these were attempts at bringing us together that ultimately couldn't conne... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | David_Callan_Michelle_Stephenson_from_I_Spied_Podcast | You're joined of course by myself, Clancy Overall and Errol Parker. Hello Errol. Hello Clancy.
How are you feeling? A bit nervous about this week's guests. I mean if we- Yeah, I'm feeling very seen.
If we thought Peter Dutton already had a dirt file on us beforehand, he definitely will after this. Today we are talkin... |
TheOnion | Reclusive_Terrence_Malick_Of_The_Beltway_To_Release_First_New_Law_In_20_Years | Lawmakers and citizens are eagerly awaiting the release of the new law from mysterious independent Congressman Henry Crawford. Dubbed the Terrence Malick of the Beltway, the enigmatic Crawford has written and released only six laws in 40 years and refuses to be photographed or to do press to promote his bills. Shunning... |
cracked | the_dark_secret_behind_quirky_romantic_comedies_manic_pixie_dream_girl_parody | Hi there! I am so sorry that I kept you waiting. You must be- Kyle! We spoke on the phone. Yes, hello Kyle. And you must be Katie! Oh! I like to listen to the songs in my head. I'm sorry. I paid the cab driver and buttons! Well, why don't I show you two around the facilities?
When did you first suspect you were dating... |
dropout | the_don_t_laugh_newsroom_challenge_episode_2 | Meryl Streep feasts tonight. Hide your children and hang a bow, a fresh rosemary over your door. Streep season is upon us.
MUSIC From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. I'm Scr... |
SaturdayNightLive | karl_s_video_jeff_goldblum_and_steven_tyler_snl | Looking for a comedy? um, yeah, maybe. you know what's good? Meatballs 3. right above your left hand over there. no Bill Murray, but a great cast. good character development. a lot of laughs. can't go wrong. Meatballs 3.
Well, thanks anyway, but I don't think that's something I'd like. All right. all right. it's your ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | that_guy_who_thinks_being_mean_comedy | I'll get it Is that Derek? Who's here? Uh, it's Derek our uh, our friend from college. Oh cool. Is he a chill guy? That's who I found! Hey, Bryce! Good to see you, man. Oh, Derek, this is Mike. He destroys at Fight Boys. Oh nice. Nice to meet you, man. Yeah, of course, you know Bryce He's garbage at Fight Boys Okay, at... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Perth_Cops_It_The_Sydney_Exodus_Collingwood_s_Racism_Report_And_More_F_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show recording here live from Budgie Smuggler studio in downtown Batutah joined by myself Clancy over all editor of the Batutah Advocate and of course Errol Parker editor at large how are you? Al... |
SaturdayNightLive | maya_rudolph_and_vampire_weekend_promise_a_resplendent_snl | Hi, I'm Maya Rudolph and I'm hosting Snl this week with Vampire Weekend. we can't wait to hear your music. Yes, we love your music. not cool, guys. I'm so sorry, Vampire Weekend. Hi, I'm Maya Rudolph and I'm hosting Snl this week with Vampire Weekend. This is going to be a great show, mostly because of you, Vampire Wee... |
dropout | crippling_levels_of_manliness_ch_shorts | Uh... I...
I don't know. What? And now that I think about it, I've never had a cosmopolitan in my whole damn life. I have no idea what this tastes like. Well, well, it doesn't matter because nothing compares to the smooth taste of... Oh my god. What? What is it?
It's because I'm terrified. I'm so afraid of what peopl... |
cracked | 6_celebrities_that_can_t_figure_out_basic_human_activities_the_spit_take | Hello the internet and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name's Jack O'Brien, I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and many famous people are defined by what they can't do as much as what they can. Claude Monet's eyes lost the ability to focus and he invented Impressionism.
Based on their movies, you'd ne... |
cracked | why_you_shouldn_t_get_drunk_with_superheroes_antiheroes_episode_3 | Previously on anti-heroes I think I like creams better than creams I'm wearing the same shirt as yesterday. Maybe people will think I got laid last night It looks like garbage today. I wonder what her whole body was like He got laid last night.
Man, that guy's cool. We should do like sports or something They show up o... |
SaturdayNightLive | straight_male_friend_snl | Cheers. Like most gay men, I have a lot of straight female friends, and I love my girlies. but they can be a lot, both financially. Wait, Carson, you're coming to Tulum, right? you know it, sis. and emotionally. Tulum is where Dylan and I were supposed to go before we broke up. I'm so sorry, babe. as much as these girl... |
dropout | Make_Some_Noise_Season_2_Trailer | Talking about Legos makes you unapproachable! Say, sucker, succulent scissor! Chumps and lumps, who's gonna take the dumps? Cincinnati, Ohio is rampant with wolf attacks! Mama likes pudding, she could put it away!
Pip pip pip pip pip! What?! fuck! Bam, papa! Ahhhhh!
Dear residents of the Fontana, Oh, it works.
I don... |
TheOnion | Tracy_Gill_Recommends_New_Tracy_Gill_Biography | Right now it's time to talk to Gary Cahill, a noted author and historian who's put together a fascinating 400-page biography. The book is entitled Over the Flames and Eagle Sword, The Tracy Gill Story.
Mr. Cahill, welcome to Today Now. Thank you, Tracy. Thanks so much for joining us.
Obviously a lot of people out the... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_206_Hanabeth_Luke_Independent_Candidate_for_Page | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, the Batutah Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Welcome back to Decode, the Batutah Advocates new political podcas... |
cracked | 6_tv_shows_that_stopped_their_shows_to_sell_you_stuff | Six product placement scenes that ruin TV shows.
I get to spend a little quality time with my new best friend. I'm proud of you, Lois. Living in your own apartment, buying a brand new car. You've really grown up. Oh, let's not get carried away. You know, this is a really nice car.
How's it going, fighters? Pretty goo... |
TheOnion | Obama_Undertakes_Presidential_Internship | Responding to criticisms that he lacks the experience to lead the nation, Barack Obama announced today that he has begun participating in a presidential internship program. Every Monday and Tuesday from 10 to 6 Obama has been interning with President Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero of Spain, learning first hand about ever... |
Wizards_with_Guns | every_dungeons_and_dragons_backstory_ever | All right, goblins are cleared out. We're safe to stay here now.
Oh, perfect. Oh shit, Tindrick. What? Oh, oh, damn. Are you gonna be okay? Yeah, should be fully healed in like one night's rest. Yeah, just one, that should do it. Yeah, yeah. So tonight I think we should discuss- My village burned down. Hm? Uh, okay. T... |
dropout | everything_wrong_with_trendy_restaurants | Hello, welcome to Pig and Salt, have you guys been here before? No. It's our first time. Then I have a few things to explain to you.
We do small plate family style tapas here, which means that all of our dishes are just tiny bite sized amounts of food meant to be shared among eight people. So everyone only gets a half... |
cracked | why_the_rebels_don_t_have_their_own_death_star_galactic_war_room | The Galactic Authority has gained control of the entire universe, but for a small uprising, desperate to find a cure for the powerful King of Galaxies, who is in a space coma. Now as our heroes return with vital schematics, the Authority lays siege upon the uprising's secret base.
Lobles. At the poles, fields of it, b... |
CrackerMilk | the_sexual_guide_to_sex | Oh, g'day there boys. Let me ask you something. Are you sick and tired of not having any luck with the ladies? You're sick and tired of getting rejected. Well, with the sexual guide to sex, you'll be picking up hot chickie babes in no time. Let's go!
Wow, that run was tough. I'm sweaty, and I need a wipe down.
Now th... |
Wizards_with_Guns | your_friend_who_studied_abroad | Dude, do you see this guy? He's driving on the wrong side of the road. Oh wow, yeah. What a jackass. Wait, is that Michael? No, I thought he's still on his trip to... Oh my god.
What are you wearing? I thought I'd pop across the pond to visit the colonies. What? Mike, what? So this is America? How tamed? You're from O... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Ruined_Surprise_A_Clear_Request_A_Qualified_Expert_More_February_10 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin you've got Clancy Overall, you've got Errol Parker, you've got Wendell Hussey, how are yous? Very well Clancy, how are you? Good mate. When's the All Stars match?
This weekend, Saturd... |
cracked | how_to_actually_cover_stories_about_antifa_some_news | Hello, I'm a special news person, and here's some special news.
You may have been hearing a lot about an activist group known as ANTIFA. ANTIFA! But who are they? Why are they systematically raising the countryside and burning entire cities to the ground? Are they for fascism or against it? Why not classify ANTIFA as ... |
SaturdayNightLive | throne_room_snl | Hi, everybody. thank you for being here. Hi, I'm Tarnaria. Hi, and I'm Ezra Hima Heimakiss.
And we're in charge of Mazzrathan, the God King's weekly debauch party here in the Throne room. Why don't we start by giving ourselves a round of applause? This party, orgy, whatever you want to call it, it's a big part of Mazz... |
TheOnion | Special_Orders_Chefs_Hate_The_Most_And_Why | Chefs, what special restaurant orders do you hate the most? The houseburger but with no tomato. Diners don't realize that removing the tomato from the houseburger is an extremely laborious process that can take up to three hours at least. Anyone who has ever worked in a kitchen knows that the most difficult dish to exe... |
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