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dropout | what_s_really_soap_at_your_nana_s_house | Hello, everyone, and welcome to the College Humor Podcast. I'm your host, Allie Beardsley.
Joining me today, I have three wonderful coworkers of mine. Dare I say my three favorite?
Honestly, sorry to everyone else, we've got a great show for you. If you're watching this on Discord, thank you so much for supporting us... |
cracked | 6_reasons_lord_of_the_rings_is_racist_today_s_topic | Is there, like, a triangle of predator dots on my forehead, or what's... You look like you want to talk about Lord of the Rings. What about me right now, sitting here, doing work, tells you that I want to talk about that? You're wearing a shirt. You're going to wear shirts.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't. At least, accord... |
dropout | what_s_your_worst_drunken_disaster | Suddenly, I was in a hospital bed, crying, my two best friends next to me. My worst drunken disaster happened last October. I was on a party bus for my friend Grace's bachelorette party. It was a pirate-themed party bus. All the women were like drunk and having fun, except for me. I was completely sober because I was o... |
SaturdayNightLive | teacher_psa_snl | Hey kids, Wow, can you believe it? we've almost made it to the end of the school year. I've learned so much from my students. but sometimes the classroom can feel like a battlefield and a war between teachers and kids. And now, as we reflect on the 2023 to 24 school year, we just wanted to come together with a special ... |
dropout | if_people_acted_like_they_do_in_cars | Driving a car is an incredibly strange experience. I don't know why, but there's something about the false sense of isolation we get from being behind the wheel that makes us act like the socially inept ultra-weirdos we all secretly are on the inside. Don't think your in-car eccentricities are all that strange? Here's ... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Film_Standard_Oscars_Edition | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion, and welcome to the special Oscar preview edition of The Film Standard, where we'll be taking a look at some of the nominees for Hollywood's biggest night, nominees who, win or lose, we must admit are the products of nepotism. Yes, virtually all the nominees this ... |
TheOnion | Nation_s_Girlfriends_Unveil_New_Economic_Plan_Let_s_Move_In_Together | We begin with up-to-the-minute financial fallout shelter coverage of today's top story. The nation's girlfriends continue to press for an economic recovery plan they say could save the nation as much as 220 billion dollars annually if their boyfriends simply agree to move in with them. Prominent girlfriends from across... |
cracked | is_donald_trump_an_absolute_dilf_w_donovan_eyre_quorators_podcast | Audio so I think this will be the one week we tackle race Finally yeah, I don't know if we want to force it or if it organically come on But I'm kind of thinking this is the week. I'm so glad I'm here for this I was waiting till there were multiple ponytails in the room Because just one you might feel insecure well. Le... |
cracked | rick_and_morty_fans_are_mad_again | Fans are complaining about the new Rick and Morty voices, except they're not new yet. Let me explain. As you may already know, Season 7 of Rick and Morty will not include Justin Roiland, the show's co-creator and main voice actor. This is thanks to a flood of stories about his bad behavior both in his personal life and... |
dropout | your_tumblr_dashboard_sings | Welcome all to the greatest of all of the internet's many diversions. We've got picks, we've got laws, we've got gifts large and small and even a couple perversions. I'm a corgi in a costume, I'm a tasteful nude, I'm a Gucci's frittata, I'm having brunch, dude. Welcome to the old tongue of feet, so click reload, there'... |
cracked | why_mortal_kombat_is_more_complicated_than_game_of_thrones | Okay, I'm heading out. Remember to move around a little bit so your legs don't stiffen up like a coffin would. Shhh.
In the middle of a cutscene, if I miss any of this dialogue, I'm not going to know what's going on. I'll be totally lost for the rest of the game. I'll have to hop on a Reddit and beg for a story FAQ li... |
dropout | this_news_anchor_reads_your_comments_as_news_live | Good afternoon, America and internet audiences at large. This is College Humor News, the only news organization in which you, the College Humor commenters, decide what we're reporting on. You comment on it and we will report on it. You've heard of the fake news problem, well it starts here, with us and with you. We are... |
dropout | google_wave_cyber_sex | Hi, I'm Mark, and I'm Casey, and we're senior developers at Google Wave. The first step is to create a new wave. A wave is pretty useless if you're by yourself, so I'm going to invite Casey. Because waves are real-time documents, I can watch what Casey types as she updates the wave. Waves support all kinds of embeddabl... |
dropout | the_best_uber_service_yet | Uber Black revolutionized the way you think about taxis. Then, Uber X made sure everyone could get a ride. From an aspiring DJ blasting his own music. Now, Uber introduces the pinnacle of comfort. Uber SSR.
The car service that guarantees your driver will be a quiet, Russian man. Because basic conversation is terrifyi... |
cracked | from_david_blaine_to_cher_the_week_in_douchebaggery | Each week, the news is filled with douchebags. We've picked five to publicly humiliate today, May 2nd, 2008, for what we here at crack.com call the week in douchebaggery, because that's its name. Douchebag number five, Cher. First of all, for not having a goddamn last name.
In fact, we're going to call her Cher Hunsbe... |
cracked | disney_thinks_you_hate_poor_people | Hi, I'm crack senior editor JF Sargent, and the first time I saw Frozen, something weird stuck out to me. Right there was when I realized that living in a Disney movie would suck and I don't want to do it. Because, despite my charm and sophistication, no royal blood runs in these veins. So instead of dancing to the hal... |
TheOnion | the_gameological_society_digest_reus | Hey, Gamelogical, it's John Tady, your editor, and I'm here today with a first-time guest on the Digest. It has been a long time coming. Samantha Nelson, welcome. Thank you. Really glad to be here.
We've got more of our ice cream treats, and Sam, you said you like these Good Humor. I do, and I'm really excited about t... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_celebrates_st_patrick_s_day | Hello, I'm Margaret Jo Mccollan. and I'm Lynn Burchaud. And you're listening to the delicious dish on National Public Radio. Well, Lynn, Faith and Megora, I'm happy to say that one of our all-time favorite holidays is upon us. St. Patrick's Day. Now for most of us, this lusty and raucous celebration means one thing abo... |
TheOnion | Kim_Jong_Il_Ends_Nuclear_Program_For_Lead_In_Next_Batman | The State Department has announced that North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il has agreed to suspend his country's nuclear program in exchange for the lead role in the next Batman movie. For more on this story, let's go now to our Senior White House Correspondent Jane Carmichael. Jane, what exactly led to this deal? Well, Bro... |
SaturdayNightLive | top_5_most_watched_live_sketches_season_48_saturday_night_live | Hey, everyone. just want to check in on you. is everything going all right? we've been getting some complaints. Oh, because we black? we over here minded our business. this fall, a new medical drama for our times. it's Hot Girl Hospital. Ma'am, I'm right here. you in good hands. what's her status? forty-six, female, ma... |
cracked | monster_management_cracked_series_trailer | You're terrifying. Horrifying. You are nightmares personified, and that is not a phrase I band-aid about recklessly. Literally the first time I've ever heard it.
We're not here to tell you how to be scarier. We don't have experience in that end. Anyways, it's none of our business. Could you even imagine if we tried to... |
cracked | 4_ways_action_movies_trick_you_into_thinking_they_re_deep_yboc_mcu_star_wars_deadpool | Hey there nerds, Dr. Jordan Breeding here to ask if you'd strangle a baby in its crib if it meant saving the lives of 10 elderly people. Can't decide? Don't worry, the baby is secretly Cyborg Hitler, so it doesn't matter. Forget I even brought it up.
["Sci-Borg Hitler Theme"] Movies about people shooting each other ar... |
cracked | westworld_for_families_on_a_budget | You've heard the stories. You've seen the TV show. And now you're ready to experience the world of the West in a celebration of sex, violence, and control.
And for just $100, or $10 in this promotional soda can, you can experience all the magic and wonder of the Old West with our state-of-the-art cowboy robots. If you... |
cracked | if_movie_hackers_were_more_like_real_it_guys | All right, Craig, you're up, buddy. You sure you can hack the system? I've hacked into the Pentagon, the Chinese currency exchange, and Obama's Skype account.
I think I'll be fine. Fine. Enough talk. Get to work.
So this guy's good, huh? Yeah, he's the best.
Why? It's just, he's not even typing yet. Isn't, shouldn't... |
dropout | Geek_Set_Match_Um_Actually_Returns_Trailer | From Bewitch to B. Arthur, from Na'Vi to Na'Vi, from Kuja to Kujo, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. These are incorrect statements, but the things that you know and love come to you to find the thing that's wrong.
Buzz in, ... |
cracked | 11_28_07_news_on_cracked_gatorade_john_cusack_and_more | It's Wednesday, November 28th, and this is the news on crack.
I'm Lex Friedman, and I am devilishly handsome The University of Florida says Dr. James Robert Cade the inventor of Gatorade has died at age 80 Guess it's not that replenishing Cracked had exclusive video access to the funeral where we shot this emotional f... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_peppa_pig_fan_club_president_on_the_show_s_gay_characters_snl | It was announced that it was announced that kids cartoon Peppa Pig will introduce a same-sex polar bear couple to its cast of characters. Here to talk about it is a very upset president of the Peppa Pig fan club, Trish Dale. Yeah, so I understand you understand you're pretty upset about this new addition to the show. I... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_172_Julia_Wheeler_Paul_De_Gelder | Doing alright though, we believe, but you can never be too careful in these uncertain times. Today's guests are two people that we've been wanting to speak to for a while and we thought what better time than now. While the whole world is, well at least the whole country is obsessed with swimming, the Olympics have been... |
wearethesundayblues | the_movember_song_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues_carly_rae_jepsen_call_me_maybe_parody | Last year I tried but I failed Halfway through the month I bailed Watched the hair wash down the drain And I felt so ashamed My upper lip felt so bare People would stop and they'd stare An upper lip without hair What would our parents say? But it wasn't growing Bum fluff skin was showing Taking shape very slowly But th... |
dropout | superman_hates_ben_affleck_as_batman | Oh! What the fuck? Ben Affleck? This is bullshit! Super Ben?
Uh, sir, is everything okay? No, everything is not okay.
Ben Affleck is not Batman. Uh, I mean, he is. You can see he is. Batman is cool and dark and brooding. Ben Affleck is like... he's like Doofy and shit. I think he's fine.
What? What do you mean? I th... |
SaturdayNightLive | black_friday_snl | Clear your calendars, chug that coffee, and wake the kids, Because this Friday is Black Friday at Mega Mart! Black Friday! It's the biggest shopping day of the year, and we're giving you incredible savings with. Mega Mart's 12-minute matinee. this is the shortest, craziest sale in retail history. you have just 12 minut... |
TheOnion | Should_We_Do_More_To_Reduce_Violence_In_Our_Dreams | I'm Gregory Dawson, filming in for Clifford Banes, who is racing to the airport to catch the woman he loves.
A recent survey conducted by the American Center for Sleep Research found that nearly 40% of all dreams contain graphic images of violence. Should we be doing more to reduce the level of violence in our dreams?... |
TheOnion | Jimmy_Carter_Becomes_World_s_Heaviest_Man_At_850_Pounds | There's a new world's largest man, and it's none other than former President Jimmy Carter. The 98-year-old recently weighed in at a whopping 850 pounds, making him the new world record holder as he surpassed an 846-pound Henry Kissinger to take the crown. Damn, Jimmy, that's thick! Despite his age, President Carter con... |
TheOnion | Brooke_Alvarez_Explains_Why_Even_Losers_on_Facebook_Deserve_Her_Attention | Hello, I'm Brooke Alvarez. I receive millions of emails, tweets, and Facebook messages every day from viewers, fans, and stalkers, but rarely have the time to answer them due to my busy schedule as America's most powerful media personality. So I decided to start this Brooke Chats Back series where I answer all of your ... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_Back_To_The_Future | You're too much like your old man.
No McFly ever amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley.
Yeah, well, history is gonna change. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'll revisit Back to the Future, Robert Zemeckis' tale of an enterprising teenager nam... |
cracked | that_time_norm_macdonald_got_his_a_kicked_on_star_search | Sam Kinison had told Dennis Miller that McDonald was a funny guy and Miller had passed on the word to McMahon. That was good enough to get McDonald a spot on the international show. On the night of, McDonald found himself up against a comedian called the Bushman. He was very funny, and backstage he had us all in stitch... |
SaturdayNightLive | blizzard_man_with_ludacris_snl | The room is hot, but I still feel like we're missing that club banger to kick things off with. yeah, yeah, we're feeling track five, but we still think it needs a stronger hook. you know what, I agree, but not to worry.
I made some calls and I got just the man for the job. Oh, really? who'd you get? Well, it's this cr... |
TheOnion | Ted_Cruz_Fills_Few_Hours_Of_Marathon_Speech_With_Rousing_Pro_Obamacare_Argument | The new Netflix Gas lets users instantly inhale multiple seasons of TV shows. An area man is worried the nation's healthcare debate might be getting political, and a bullied eighth-grader incorrectly thought classmates would leave him alone during a field trip to the 9-11 memorial. Don't mistake my kind, gentle tone fo... |
cracked | how_harry_potter_would_really_have_turned_out_episode_1_of_3 | You all know the story of this special boy with the lightning bolt-shaped scar and the evil that he was destined to destroy But you don't know this story about a bad alternate timeline where he and his bud ran away to muggle lines instead Because that's a lot of heavy shit to lay on a 12 year old in retrospect Anyway, ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Statues_Collapse_of_Society_Pete_Evans_New_Recipe_29_05_20 | You're joined by myself editor Clancy Overall, our news reader Wendell Hussey. Hello Wendell. Hello Clancy, how are you? Good thanks and of course editor at large Errol Parker. How are you Errol? Pretty good today mate, let's get into it.
What happened in the news this week Wendell? Plenty happened.
We'll start off w... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_sarah_palin_saturday_night_live | Game Change, a political docu-drama about the 2008 Presidential campaign, premiered on Hbo Tonight, and Julianne Moore is receiving high praise for her portrayal of Sarah Palin. here to comment, Sarah Palin.
Aw. well, howdy there, Seth, don't you know? good to be back here on Snl. Remember me, everyone? I'm from Alask... |
cracked | the_best_ever_use_of_the_jedi_mind_trick_staying_lazy_galactic_war_room | Hey. Hey, one of you.
Do you have any fizzer left? Check the mini fridge.
Which of you do I outrank? Technically all of us because your family is paying for the rebellion and technically none of us because of a rebellion fighting an oppressive regime. So, not much for taking orders from monarchs. You can outrank me i... |
cracked | why_it_s_time_to_stop_calling_everything_a_hipster | Now that I've said the word hipster and shown you my outfit, you might be thinking, oh hey, some hipster! Or any number of other millions of things a person could be thinking at any given moment. But maybe it's the hipster thing. The word hipster evokes someone like this. Vintage, vegan, underground, etc. More words an... |
SaturdayNightLive | japanese_steak_house_saturday_night_live | Do they serve shrimp up in here? Uh, I believe they do. good, because until this beeper goes off from the Red Lobster next door, we're gonna chill over here.
And they need to give us a free dessert, too, because it's my friend's birthday. it's my birthday, y'all. it's my birthday, okay? Hello, everybody. I'm Star Keis... |
Wizards_with_Guns | dueling_vipers | I'm sorry, Mom. We just can't get you the surgery. We can't afford it right now. It's a thousand dollars! Hang on, Mom. I'm gonna need to call you back.
Yeah. Cliff? Looks like we're getting the van back together. It had been 12 years since Dueling Vipers last played. But we were just as sharp as ever.
First up, Clif... |
dropout | Man_Turns_Home_into_Home_Depot_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, where none of us know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
Live from the studio, I... |
TheOnion | Please_Let_Me_Out_I_ve_Told_You_Everything_I_Know_About_Fantasy_Football | Owner's Box, brought to you by Lenovo. You need a computer to play fantasy football, might as well be this one. If you're looking at the only three remaining Siberian Tigers left in the world, you know you've stepped inside the Owner's Box.
We're nine weeks into what has been a topsy-turvy NFL season, and the big ques... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_122_Briggs_2_0 | Just me, Clancy Overall, this week for today's interview, Errol is in isolation. He keeps things pretty quiet when it comes to his romantic life, but it turns out Errol does have a new flame and she's come up on the ice road, Bourke, Cunnamulla to Batooter. The local authorities actually found out before that she'd com... |
TheOnion | Report_Nation_s_Wealthy_Cruelly_Deprived_Of_True_Meaning_Of_Christmas | Overburdened with material comforts, America's wealthy can expect another disappointing holiday this year, as Brian Scott tells us the rich will simply be buying too many things to experience the true meaning of Christmas.
All across the country, those at the top of the economic ladder are denied a privilege that the ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | breaking_the_teacher_s_pet | Good afternoon, and welcome back to the Betuda Advocate radio show. My name is Errol Parker. This afternoon we are going to revisit the podcast we recorded a few weeks ago with Hedley Thomas, the creator behind the Teachers Pet podcast. We're going to revisit this this afternoon because in case you haven't already seen... |
SaturdayNightLive | saturday_night_live_goes_camping_snl | This week in Arts and Crafts, we put googly eyes on pine cones. Yeah, I mean, I gotta say, when the activity was first described to me, I was not into it. And then I got that first eyeball on there, and I was laughing and having a blast.
Franz, are you sleeping? No hands. I was just counting stars. Listen to me now an... |
dropout | proof_americans_know_nothing_about_soccer_football | Hi, we're here in Los Angeles today to prove that people will believe anything you say about FIFA's World Cup If you look like a newsman and are holding a microphone Each time a goal is scored this year The ball is filled with fireworks and will actually explode into a celebratory fireworks display Do you think that wi... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_harpoon_man_saturday_night_live | He was a whaler in Alaska, till bad guys killed his family. now he's in the big city looking for vengeance, and they call him, Harpoon Man. the only dude who wields a big-ass harpoon and knows how to use it. Harpoon Man! Yeah, looking good, Harpoon Man. he's a cool customer with moves that'll make your head spin.
But ... |
SaturdayNightLive | michael_phelps_gets_endorsement_advice_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Bell! this seriously is like the ninth greatest moment of my life. Thanks, Mom. for those of you who don't know, I set a world record this summer by becoming the first person to appear on Nbc's 390 consecutive hours. I'm awake. relax. that's what I said up there. relax. relax, Mom. come on... |
dropout | yay_or_nay_is_sex_good | Sex is like pizza, all right? When it's good, it's great. And when I'm drunk, I'll pay for it. You know, I believe it was Harold Bloom who defined sexuality as our species' most beautiful expression of human desire. It's things inspired Sonata as an opera. SHUT UP! Yes, master. I deserve that. You know, for a long time... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_californians_stuart_has_cancer_snl | Next on, the Californians. I'm glad you came over, Devon. why, too? maybe you should get going before Stewart gets home. All right, I'll say you're going to take Candy View Driver to San Pcente and then make a left and go four or five north. from there, just get off them all hauling. Totally like that. Hey, honey. I br... |
TheOnion | Slow_Witted_Conspiracy_Theorist_Convinced_Government_Behind_NASA | Calling it one of the most brazen cover-ups of the 21st century, dim-witted conspiracy theorist Daniel Burgess told reporters this Monday he had compiled more than ample evidence to finally prove that the U.S. government is responsible for the creation and operation of NASA. The clues are all out there. If we just open... |
cracked | how_breakfast_cereal_mascots_brainwashed_you_after_hours | Now, I don't know which is worse. The fact that they think kids only respond to animals and stealing. Shut up. Or the fact that they're probably right. Dan, I really don't want to talk about it here. What?
Did General Mills do a bunch of studies to demonstrate what kids are going to respond to? And if they did do poll... |
SaturdayNightLive | lawrence_welk_snl | This is Pbs. We now return to a mildly enjoyable super old rerun of the Lawrence Welk show. Thank you. thank you. Welcome back to the Lawrence Welk show.
Aren't these bubbles wonderful? If I could have them follow me around everywhere. I would. But enough about the wonderful bubbles. let's continue on with our sell it... |
cracked | 6_ways_the_food_industry_tricks_you_into_eating_garbage_the_spit_take | Hazelnuts are a lie. You're drinking zombie orange juice. They're hiding paper in your food.
Sounds kind of crazy when I start in the middle like that. Let's actually take it a step back.
In the beginning, there were grapes and olives and they were good. About peanut M&M size, one was salty, one was grapes. They made... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_judy_grimes_saturday_night_live | This year, the American Transit Association expects airline fares during the Thanksgiving holidays to go up by 10%. Here to tell us how we can still find a last-minute holiday bargain is Weekend Update's Travel guru, Judy Grimes.
Thanks, Emma. I'm really happy to be here.
Just kidding. great. Well, Judy. Ahh! Judy, I... |
TheOnion | White_House_Announces_Everything_Great_In_Iraf | With relations with Iran and Iraq so bad, the Americans were pleased last week when President Bush announced that relations with Iraq are better than ever. Freedom rings throughout the land due to our recent invasion in that country. This is really a time we have to credit the administration for coming forward with thi... |
SaturdayNightLive | megan_thee_stallion_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Megan Thee Stallion! thank you very much. I can't tell y'all how excited I am to be here. you know me as Megan Thee Stallion, but if you know me, then you know I go by more than one name. let's see, we got Tina Snow, the hot girl coach, the H. John Hottie, and if you are one of my many, many hater... |
SaturdayNightLive | story_snl | Anyway, his name is Adnan Syed and the podcast is like about whether he did it or not. Wow, okay, that is insanely cool. And Bradford Cady was saying this is your first time in New York? yeah, yeah, it's been really awesome. the city's like really interesting. yeah, you know, just trying to show my favorite cousin what... |
cracked | 3_weirdly_specific_things_that_happen_in_every_movie_trailer_writer_s_room | You guys see a trailer for the new Star Trek movie? Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say. It's got that inception, wow. Every movie has that now in the trailer though. Right. It's not just Star Trek. Every single movie. It is, yeah. It's one of those things that 20 years from now, our kids will know when ... |
cracked | the_horrifying_deleted_timeline_from_back_to_the_future | What happens to the other Marty, the new guy? Lunch was over an hour ago. No, because Marty, the new Marty gets into the DeLorean and goes off somewhere. I never noticed that. When does he go? The length of your lunch break is not dependent on what you choose to watch during your lunch break. Bear with me. Marty McFly ... |
cracked | how_napoleon_dynamite_ruined_pedro_s_life | Napoleon Dynamite took everyone by storm. A bizarre movie with a small budget and no famous people seemingly came out of nowhere and captured America's hearts. It seemed all involved in the film would be destined for greatness, but sadly that wasn't the case for everyone.
Hey, is that a new kid or something? Napoleon,... |
cracked | the_story_of_the_lil_sheriff_cracked_saturday_morning_cartoons | you know we got a new sheriff in town oh yeah yeah people around here have been calling him the little sheriff there he is now clink clink hey little sheriff what are you gonna do about big bandit big bandit is the reason we got such a high lawman turnover around here the same thing happens every time big bandit challe... |
TheOnion | Vengeance_Minded_Glacier_Just_Biding_Time_Until_Next_Ice_Age | A vengeance-minded glacier is just biding its time until the next ice age. Iran releases 200,000 more jailed American tourists as a gesture of further goodwill. And a father who messed up his visitation schedule consumes an entire Dora the Explorer birthday cake. You are about to witness a project seven days and $30 mi... |
dropout | the_cast_dishes_on_bad_internet_behind_the_scenes | What can I say about Zach? He's a really funny drunk. Like a really good-natured drunk. When I see him and he's too drunk, it makes me still want to drink, even though I know he's too drunk. Yeah. Most other people, if I see them drunk, I'm like, oh, I don't want to get like that. But then Zach's such a chill, cool dru... |
TheOnion | Joe_Biden_Hitchhikes_To_Democratic_National_Convention | Sources along I-85 told reporters today Vice President Joe Biden was spotted hitchhiking to the Democratic National Convention, reportedly relying on his charm and the generosity of passing motorists to cover the roughly 400 miles from Washington D.C. to Charlotte, North Carolina. I was headed down to Petersburg and I ... |
dropout | superman_stole_my_panties | Hi. I'm Cait. Hi.
I could not be here today. She is filming a super secret fun project for Dropout. So we have Caitlin here.
Yeah. You may remember her from Vikings in Peace, The Blanket Story. This is her. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Fun, right?
Thank you so much for being here, for listening. Thank you for being here.
You ma... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_james_austin_johnson_and_molly_kearney_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Good evening, everybody. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. and I'm Colin Jost. This weekend, bitter rivals who have been desperately pandering for votes and trying to force their politics on America, will finally face off in person.
I'm, of course, talking... |
dropout | obscure_christmas_songs_hardly_working | As the sun began to set, Grant was feeling lost. He still wasn't sure of the true meaning of Christmas. As old Jack Frost blew a storm outside, he went to find his friends to see if they had an idea.
Do you think I'm smart that we both got him whiskey stones? You can never have too much ice you have to wash.
Hey, Gra... |
cracked | why_every_80_s_sitcom_decided_to_kill_off_the_mom_after_hours | Full house my two dads Different strokes web serve monkey Brewster empty nest blossom silver spoons. Give me a break. Who's the boss? What are we talking about all the 80s sitcoms where the mom is dead or missing? Wait, what no these utensils? I think these are real silver who owns this place now the Queen ain't consid... |
cracked | the_problem_with_using_time_travel_as_a_murder_weapon_looper_parody | hurts just kill me and get it over with kill ya we're gonna loop you guy you're gonna get looped like the movie looper yeah obviously not like looper that's a movie don't be retarded but like similar like we send you back in time and we got a guy in the past and he's gonna shoot dead in the past shut you up keep you qu... |
TheOnion | How_Can_We_Make_The_War_In_Iraq_More_Eco_Friendly | I'm filling in for Clifford Banes, who just isn't on top of his game today.
As part of his new environmental initiative, President Bush this week has pledged to increase the number of hybrid engine aircraft carriers being used in Iraq. Should we be doing more to make the war in Iraq more eco-friendly?
Absolutely. I m... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_family_in_the_attic_snl | Hans! Hans, come and get your dinner before I throw it in the canal! All right! All right, I'm coming!
So, how about things at the Tulip Store today? dull. Holland is a dull country, Sonia. face it. look at these headlands. windmill fixed. man bites cheese. a guy gets a splinter from a pair of wooden shoes. who cares?... |
cracked | 1_21_08_news_on_cracked_bobby_fischer_british_airways | It's Monday, January 21, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm too sexy for this news. Chessmaster Bobby Fischer is dead. A spokesman for God told the News on Cracked, quote, Check and mate. The undefeated New England Patriots and the often-defeated New York Giants will interrupt several some... |
dropout | the_opposite_of_the_friend_zone_getting_girlfriend_zoned | Hey How was that movie? Oh, it was great except when Jared tried to put his arm around my shoulders I heard it when that happens like finally meet a guy that you want to have a long-term meaningful friendship with and he just wants To be a boyfriend. I don't get it.
I'm nice, right? Like I'm a nice girl. Yeah, you're ... |
TheOnion | Bob_Dylan_Lays_Off_2_000_Workers_From_Songwriting_Factory | Following the news this week that recording artist and industry magnate Bob Dylan would be laying off 2,000 workers from his Muscatine, Iowa songwriting factory in an effort to streamline his music making operations, The Onion spoke with veteran factory worker Travis Felton, who received a pink slip earlier today. I've... |
cracked | modern_american_history_as_taught_by_batman_movies | Americans have been watching Batman movies off and on for the past 50 years. The only other character we've been watching for that long is James Bond. The same number of people have played both guys. Consequently, by examining the themes of a particular decade's Batman movie, you can construct a fairly accurate picture... |
TheOnion | Pork_Marathon_Porkin_Across_America_Ep_5 | What are you talking about?
She's in Roseville Hospital. She cut her deeply with a large glass piece. How could you let that happen? Don't let her leave the hospital. Hey everybody, we're porkin' at top speed today because my niece is in rehab and I've just learned that she's been stabbed by a maniac with a broken pie... |
dropout | stay_awake_contest_ft_ben_schwartz | What's wrong? Dear God. What's wrong? Dear God.
My great canir. Yeah. Unbelievable.
Is that a blue ray or? It's actually a flattened down smushed VHS. It's a broken VHS. Do you have a player that plays broken VHS?
I do not. They don't make this. We'll toss it.
Holy smoke. What? Kate Winslet. Harvey Cattell. Holy sm... |
dropout | bp_turnaround_parody | It comes a time when you know you've got to make a change. You can't lead a company like this unless you love oil. I love oil. I love crude oil.
I do. I love it. We all do.
Then, this happened. Okay, first your rig sink and then your blowout preventer couldn't be activated? I mean, come on. Is that hard to watch? Uh,... |
TheOnion | Scientists_No_Closer_To_Understanding_How_Pressing_Buzzer_Unlocks_Door_The_Topical_Ep_46 | apartment door buzzers they can unlock doors from far away really far away in some buildings but how do they work scientists have no idea so I'm going to try and find out from the onion and onion public radio this is the topical I'm Leslie price and after three days I really think I'm starting to get the hang of this w... |
wearethesundayblues | behind_the_lols_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | They had it all. Fame, fortune, free beer. Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues were on top of the world. But a string of tasteless jokes and cheap gimmicks led to a destructive downward spiral. The only thing left to hold on to, being hope itself. This is Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues, Behind the Lols.
Nick came to me... |
cracked | the_greatest_harry_potter_sequel_we_ll_never_get_to_see_today_s_topic | Hey, why hasn't anyone found Hogwarts yet? Well we're trying, you know, but I mean, even with all our sophisticated tracking technology it's still f***ing fictional! So if you're asking me if we have like a ballpark date of when we think that we'll locate, then no, we don't have that yet.
Hi! In the books! Oh, in the ... |
dropout | zen_riddles_for_millennials | Why is Guru? I seek your wisdom. I just graduated college and I feel so lost. How do I become an adult? To truly become enlightened, you must answer this riddle. He seeks an entry-level job to get experience, but he cannot get an entry-level job without experience. That doesn't make any sense. And I will teach you.
To... |
TheOnion | Jailed_Nelson_Mandela_Becomes_Fully_Rehabilitated_Through_South_Africa_s_Stellar_Penal_System | From the admission of ant colony 000082567KLN00067X into the Union in 1897, to the day in 1817 when embarrassed construction workers realized they put the Erie Canal in the wrong place, the Onion looks back at this week in history. On August 3, 1936, Jesse Owens won four gold medals at the Berlin Olympics, a victory th... |
dropout | Why_Scary_Movies_Aren_t_Actually_Scary | And then the killer's in a cheesecake factory because cholesterol is the real killer. Is that funny? I don't know. Honestly, all these horror sketches are kind of the same.
Yeah, I'm gonna take off. I got a 10 p.m. orgy to get to. I will see you losers later.
Hello? Everybody left, right? Yeah, hours ago. We're answe... |
dropout | the_game_of_thrones_finale_rewritten_with_a_i_ | Interior Winterfell's best room. Sansa sits alone on top of her prized valerian eggs. Jon walks in carrying Sam in a pouch. Sansa, have you met Bermuda on the wall, Sam or Tarly? I hope you two have a few good talk about friendship. Sansa gets closer to him and then takes out a large spear and pushes it into Jon's stom... |
cracked | if_the_kids_on_nickelodeon_never_escaped_their_show_are_you_afraid_of_the_dark_parody | Once every few months crack.com locks its entire video team in a different house for five days with a special guest and one goal Make as many stupid sketches as you can this is one of those You're all here early welcome to my home. Yeah, let's do it Okay, so Puppets are interesting right they can be an extension of the... |
dropout | these_incriminating_photos_look_amazing | Uh, hi, I was told to meet here. Oh, hello, Ali Beardsley. Or should I say, Aggie Belfast? Who sent you? Name's Mort.
I'm a PI. I got some photos here that I could keep out of police hands for the right price. Oh my god. This is a crazy good photo of me.
Oh, thank you. Yeah, the angle really draws the viewer in here,... |
dropout | why_the_devil_is_super_hot | Oh, no. Hey, will you switch? Katie, I also have hot peppers. Of course I have hot peppers. Why, of course? How would I possibly know that you have hot peppers? Well, let's think it through. It's Hot Pepper Tuesday, right?
Guys, is it just me or is the devil really hot? Oh, my God, I know, right? I didn't notice it at... |
SaturdayNightLive | jasper_hahn_the_fuzzy_buddies_saturday_night_live | On Monday, famed cartoonist Charles Schulz retired his beloved comic strip, Peanuts. here to comment on the end of an institution, comic strip artist Jasper Hahn. Hello Colin, Ooh, the world is filled with wonderful colors and shapes. And in fact, I'm currently working on a new comic strip. this comic strip the whole f... |
cracked | how_to_solve_the_country_s_gun_problem | Guns. How many more? Another shooting. Another gun. Another shooting again. Another more guns.
Enough. Enough guns. How many more? Enough.
Guns. Guns aren't the solution. They're not safe. But they can be.
If you demand. You demand. If you demand.
Tiny guns. Tiny guns for the guns to have. To keep them safe. Becaus... |
TheOnion | Is_Emma_Stone_Sporting_A_Baby_Bump_A_Nine_Year_Old_Boy_Tells_Us_What_He_Thinks | Next up, Seth Rogen talks about transitioning into more serious stoner comedies, but first, is Spider-Man star Emma Stone pregnant? This photo is making the rounds on the internet, and people are saying it could be a baby bum.
Our senior celebrity correspondent Tyler is here. Tyler, you always have the inside dish.
W... |
SaturdayNightLive | dateline_the_mystery_of_the_chopped_up_guy_snl | Next on a Keith Morrison special investigation. real-life crimes and stories of real people in bad situations. Elroy Valentine was an ordinary man who went out one day to catch a bass, but instead he caught a case of murder. It's the mystery of the chopped-up guy. I was walking along the lake one morning and I saw some... |
cracked | explaining_all_the_god_s_not_dead_movies_1_4 | God's not even... alive. AHHH! Because you doubted God's aliveness, you've been locked into a secular prison until you watch and explain all the God's Not Dead movies.
Live or die, the choice is yours. Wait, is Kevin Sorbo Jigsaw now? Well, the good news is this movie is probably made by Pure Flick, so we probably won... |
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