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SaturdayNightLive | q_a_with_please_don_t_destroy_snl | Hi everybody, this is please don't Destroy. we are on two hours of sleep and we cannot wait for this Q and A. Whoo! Ooh, George W. Bush. George Bush, Sr. and Spongebob. Patrick would be a great host, but I feel like he'd have trouble with the cue cards. Martin would be the one to survive on a desert island because he's... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_13_01_20_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin recording live from Baxter Boot Studios in downtown Batutah. The date is the 13th of January, it's a Monday, one of the first Mondays back at work for 2020 for many Australians and we're ... |
SaturdayNightLive | jason_momoa_s_2023_snl_video_diary | It's Snl week. get your ass in here. Never in a million years did I think I was going to ride to Snl on the chopper. I'm leaving on the back. Number two. Yeah. All right, we're heading into the pitch meeting right now. it's like this beautiful tradition where everyone comes in the Lord's office, and then they pitch to ... |
cracked | the_game_of_thrones_twist_we_all_wanted_and_were_still_mad_about_winter_is_taking_forever | Hey everyone, this is our this is cracks weekly recap of Game of Thrones called winter is taking forever Cuz it's six seasons and where's all that snowfall? It's just now getting here and goddamn it It's been a long time. Okay, so it's first time you got brand mind fucking that tree. That's right.
Which brings him bac... |
dropout | stop_saying_i_m_so_broke | Lisa wants to know if we want to get a drink later. Uh, maybe if it's happy hour.
I'm so broke. Ugh, I know. I can't even afford Whole Foods. I have to shop at Trader Joe's. Ugh! The only apartment that I could afford is three buses and two hours away, but this is the only job I could get. I'm so broke.
Look at my ph... |
cracked | if_dating_shows_were_haunted_sketch_comedy_the_bachelor_the_bachelorette_love_is_blind_parody | From the people who brought you Love is Blind and 90 Second Fiance comes an all-new dating show with one haunting twist. The bar to finding a good guy isn't on the floor, it's six feet under. And if you think you already know the twist for this show, you're dead wrong. I'm Emma, I've been dead since 1846, and I'm looki... |
dropout | the_crucial_man_perfect_stubble | This is The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hi, I'm Jon Gamers, here to give you the crucial information on how to become a man, because it's about time you grew up. Today, we're going to talk about how to give yourself the perfect five o'clock shout out. Welcome to The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Nore... |
TheOnion | romney_defends_against_allegations_of_tolerance | Turning to the election, Mitt Romney's campaign took a major hit this week after an interview he gave in 1992 resurfaced, which indicates that the presidential hopeful may be tolerant of homosexuals. A host at Boston's WRKO asked, do you believe gays should have the right to civil unions? To which Romney replied, I wou... |
dropout | apartment_hunting_in_nyc_is_the_worst | Hi, sorry. I'm three hours late. Hey, no problem.
This place is amazing. No, you couldn't afford this I just had you meet me here. Follow me to the places. We're actually seeing This is a three floor walk up and then a five floor climb up you brought your harness, right? Oh Would you look at that beautiful exposed bri... |
dropout | no_one_has_seen_elmo_since_the_parade_happy_thanksgiving_from_ch | Hey, Ross Matthews here for the Macy's Confetti Carpet at the 89th Annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in Manhattan. They let me be here. This is my first time. They said, Ross, you can go behind the scenes. Get away with anything.
These are the floats over here. The big balloons are over here. Look at this guy.
Th... |
TheOnion | Inside_The_Onion_News_Network | coming to IFC January 21st for the first time on television the news organization that destroys all other news organizations for the best news the most reliable news on television this is where people come the Onion News Network safety's off you're entering the fact zone the Onion News Network's Brooke Alvarez and Tuck... |
dropout | dick_figures_the_movie_exclusive_clip | Let me show you how this shit's done, son. The fuck? Who took the lights? I mean, we haven't paid the electricity bill in seven months. We pay for electricity? You don't. I do. Wait!
All of our food's gonna go bad! All of our food is bad! You can't let precious food out of waste! Dude, you know that's all expired.
I ... |
cracked | 7_horrifying_lessons_hidden_in_famous_movies_about_childhood_after_hours | Twenty-two. It's tough because I know I'm supposed to subtract four and a half years from what I actually think it is but I also really want to be right, so... Twenty-eight. Thirty-seven. Like a hot thirty-seven. I don't know. Normal human aging is confusing. I am twenty-five years old!
You are terrible friends! But w... |
TheOnion | Zionist_Literature_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | This week on Helcomb County Municipal Lake Dredge Appraisal, four worthless items.
Good evening.
Why don't you tell us a little bit about these books here.
Well we were working on this mechanical dredger up Appleton way and we open up the clamshell and in with all the silt and bed soil we found all these books and p... |
dropout | business_kids_hardly_working | I'm a little concerned you're asking us to abandon the marketing strategy that's been material to our financial stability. I'm going to use the little boys for it because you guys want to come. Keep your guns. Just a tickle. Especially with our...
I am nervous about this presentation tomorrow. What are you checking? I... |
dropout | deleted_twilight_sex_scene | Wait, I hate you for making me want you so badly. What's wrong, Edward? I'm a vampire, Bella. If I give into our passion, I'm afraid I'll lose control.
I see. Now turn around.
Why? So we can have butt sex. What?
But you just said that you can't- I know what I said.
But butt sex is different. If we have butt sex, I ... |
SaturdayNightLive | kcf_shredders_saturday_night_live | Try them all, dude! Shredder! Kcs Shredder! Get the shred in your head! Whoo! |
TheOnion | Romney_Wears_Anti_Bacterial_Yellow_Gloves_While_Greeting_Rust_Belt_Americans | Mitt Romney wears antibacterial yellow gloves while greeting Rust Belt Americans, a pilot loses contact with 97.5 The River, and Donald Trump stares forlornly at his tiny aged penis in the mirror before putting on his clothes and beginning his day. And now an especially pandering web video designed to prepare you for t... |
cracked | the_6_most_underwhelming_moments_from_the_iphone_3g_debut | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'll be counting off Steve Jobs' unveiling of the iPhone 3G. So, as we arrive at iPhone's first birthday... It's kind of reassuring to know that no one, not even one of the richest and most powerful men in the world, can resist the urge to use a cheesy graphic during a PowerPoint prese... |
cracked | barbarian_review_ft_zach_cregger_writer_director_of_barbarian | Welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies which are like books, but better. I'm your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm joined by my co-host, Jessica Nalley.
Say hello. Hello. Hi.
Jessica's a big ol' swig of coffee during that, so I'm going to take a big ol' swig of coffee. Yeah, yea... |
SaturdayNightLive | hollywood_minute_spade_entertainment_news_saturday_night_live | And here now is David Spade with the Hollywood Minute. David. thank you, Kevin. In the movies, Mrs. Doubtfire opened big this weekend, beating out all the rest. this movie was really good the first time I saw it when it was called Tootsie. but Tootsie wasn't a nanny, I know, it's different. And Jackson Brown has a new ... |
TheOnion | Special_Boy_With_Freakishly_Large_Brain_Wins_Spelling_Bee | Coming up next, we'll meet yet another smug guy who's scaled Mount Everest. Oh, we've had too many of these guys. You're gonna hate this one. This guy is particularly hateable.
But right now we've got a very special guest here in the studio with us and I do mean special. Some idiot savants are skilled with music or nu... |
dropout | every_7_seconds_museum | They say a man thinks about sex every seven seconds. That's obviously impossible, right?
And that to... B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-babe! Hachimachi! Oh, this ain't no bustle. This is my real honky-tonk badonkadonk. Next you'll see Edvard Munch's The Scream. The red in the sky was apparently inspired by the sweet, sweet titties, ... |
dropout | 3_totally_cringeworthy_date_stories | So at 16 years old, working at the car wash, there was this really cute girl who was a cashier and I was like, I'm going to ask her out. Surprisingly, she said yes.
I was like, great. I had the perfect date planned. I got tickets to Con Air. I got a new pair of Billabong cargo shorts and I got the new 311 CD. I called... |
dropout | voting_booth_talk_back | Oh, welcome back! Jeez, has it been four years already? Oh, um, hi.
I won't waste your time. Just give me a Crankerino, Snag and I voted sticker, and I'll see you in 2016, buddy. Excuse me. How do you know he's not going to pick me this time? He's a progressive 20-something living in a major metropolitan area. I'm bas... |
cracked | dispatches_from_goddamn_space_ep_5_an_orbit_of_madness | Hello, Silverton Elementary, hello, the future, you hear that teachers? The students are the future, I don't know if that jives with your union or whatever. Now cadets, I heard the bad news about how your space unit is being cut short this quarter and I can't even begin to tell you how bad of an idea I think that part ... |
SaturdayNightLive | secret_word_astronaut_saturday_night_live | It's time to play the game. The stars play. secret words with your host, Lyle Round. Hello, hello there. hello, I'm Lyle Round.
Funny story, my wife asked me what I thought of her new pantsuit today and I said if I want to make love to a man, I'd join the Navy. Alright, why do we need our stars? better know for her wo... |
SaturdayNightLive | skydivers_snl | Now keep your hands cuffed. keep your hands, That's right. now when I count to three, sir, you pull the rip. you're an idiot, I don't have a power to do it. I believe you have a refund coming, Mr. Rosenblatt. I don't want to refund you, Rat Fink. No, I insist.
Here, take your money, it's $45, right? it was $50. Oh, th... |
TheOnion | Ted_Cruz_Announces_Plans_To_Once_Again_Like_Porn_On_9_11 | Ted Cruz has announced plans to once again like porn on 9-11. In an effort to plan ahead for the coming year, the Republican Senator from Texas has stated that on September 11th, he intends to scroll through Twitter in search of pornography before tapping the like button from his main account, just like he did back in ... |
SaturdayNightLive | saturday_night_live_for_your_consideration | And Live for the O.b.
State of the art! Let's A-go. it's Saturday Night Live!
I am the problem. the whole country's far apart! that's crazy. I'm here, too.
Is it bad? Oh, yes, please. Oh, my God. get it out! Oh, God. great to be with you, Judy, on your sweet little show full of lies. we have two minutes to post. qui... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Mission_Impossible_Fallout | You have something I want right now that makes me the only person you can trust to get you out of here alive. I think I'd like to go home now.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today, I'll be discussing Mission Impossible Fallout, the pulse-pounding sixth installment of the iconic espionage fran... |
dropout | Anime_Theme_or_US_Politician_Um_Actually | That means our score is one, one, two, as we move into our first shiny question of the game. Shiny questions, of course, like shiny Pokemon with the same number of points, just a little bit different, a little bit rarer.
This is a game that we're calling This or That, specifically anime theme or American politician. I... |
CrackerMilk | blackmailed_by_the_bouncer_crackermilk_podcast_episode_11 | Can you guys- okay, so let's all just act like I'm gonna say a line You guys are just gonna- I'm gonna say the line then just laugh really loud. Mm-hmm. Okay ready for this. Mm-hmm Yeah, and then I SMACKED HER! Mm-hmm Mm-hmm I did- I did what you told me, but you- you told me to- GET OUT, CUNT!
Hello? Someone's at the... |
dropout | when_not_to_correct_people_s_grammar | Hey, I heard what happened. It'll be okay? I can't believe he's gone. This doesn't seem real. Can't imagine what you must be going through right now. It's not just that he's dead.
He hung himself with an electrical cord. Hanged. What? The past tense of hang is hanged for people. People are hanged, clothes are hung. Un... |
dropout | my_elf_girlfriend_sex_talk | I would rather spend one lifetime with you and face all the ages of this world alone. I love you too, babe. Hey, I'll see you tonight, okay? Crap. I think you're gonna like what I have planned for you.
Ooh, very confident. Well, I do have 2,000 years of experience, so... What? I'm 2,700 years old. I mean, I'm not a sl... |
cracked | why_the_future_of_space_travel_is_going_to_suck | Have you ever dreamed of going to space? If so, those dreams probably revolved around NASA's glory days, when they successfully put a man on the moon a few times and then as close to the moon as the killer rocks that doomed the Apollo 18 mission would allow several more times after that.
Right now, the best NASA can d... |
ClickHole | bridging_the_divide_christian_and_muslim_show_each_other_their_most_private_shark_drawings | Jason? Yes. Bassem.
Nice to meet you. You too.
So, you're Muslim? I am. You're Christian? Yeah.
This is one of my most private shark drawings. I drew it inside of a large cardboard box so no one could see it. This shark drawing has had a big effect on my life and it took a long time to draw. That's very interesting.... |
dropout | hardly_working_witch_hunt | All right, if my name weren't Amir, what would it be? Alan! I told you! I believed you. All right, who comes? Oh! It was not me this time, it wasn't me. I don't think I have to tell you guys, if you're gonna come, go outside. Come on, fess up, who was it? I would admit it if it was me, okay?
Dan. Come on, it's not my ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_139_Hayley_Mary_from_The_Jezabels | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooda Advocate radio show recording live here in downtown Batooda Budgie Smuggler studios in the old city district. Today we are joined by one of our favourite musical exports I guess you could ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jimmy_fallon_on_spring_break_snl | And finally here to share is excitement about going on Spring Break. This year is Jimmy Fallon. that's a lot, Colin. thank you very much. you know, in a couple of days I'm gonna go away for Spring Break and I can't wait. Spring Break that year. Went out and bought beer. cashier grabbed me, took my fake Id. wait a secon... |
cracked | the_history_of_nathan_fielder | This is a ridiculously thorough history of Nathan Fielder in one minute.
When Fielder was 13 years old He joined the Vancouver Magic Circle with a friend of his and it was just the two of those children and a bunch of old men.
That same year he was transferred to a large public school He ended up joining the improv t... |
dropout | put_your_phone_away_hot_date | Holy shit! One other stranger thinks kids gotta DUI. I thought you were taking my picture. Man, they grow up so fast. Alright, let's put the phones away. You know, there was a time when two people could go out and enjoy a meal without bleeps and bloops and you've got males interrupting their every bite. You know what? ... |
cracked | 8_adorable_viral_videos_that_qualify_as_animal_cruelty_cracked_tv | Hey everybody! Welcome to episode 22 of Crack TV. I'm your host, a single white android interested in mating. I enjoy human females capable of carrying my robot seed to term, long walks on the beach, and the music of Josh Groban. Mostly the seed thing, though. With me as always is my co-host, Clippy McNutshot!
Too eas... |
cracked | antiheroes_cracked_series_trailer | And a small comet, B-1 CEO, B-G2, will pass by tonight coming closer to Earth than the moon's orbit.
Okay, team. Gather round.
Are you really trying to get us excited about calling people for money they don't have? If you phrase it differently than that, then yes.
If you want to smoke, go behind the electro nuclear ... |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Pop_Pilgrims_The_Texas_Chain_Saw_family_restaurant | When the AB Club travels, we always make time to visit pop culture landmarks. If something memorable happened in the world of film, TV, books or music, we want to go there. We're not just tourists, we're pop pilgrims.
Is anybody home? If you feel a little disturbed when you look at this classic Texas home turned into ... |
CrackerMilk | lit_yoga_tips_for_phat_inner_chi | Oh, what's up? Welcome back to another sick episode of Connor's yoga lessons with Connor.
Today we're going to be showing you your inner chi and some breathing exercises. Go back, not yet. We're going to be showing you some breathing exercises and that's going to be hella dope. Come through with my assistant Jared and... |
dropout | the_charming_mr_hitler_the_britishes | I've heard he has the charm of Charlie Chaplin. I've heard that his waltz makes other men's minuets look like shit. I've heard a horse once. It made this sound.
Ma! Seriously, what is your glitch? Ladies, please. He may be Europe's most eligible bachelor, but tonight he is simply our guest. He's here! May I present...... |
dropout | photoshop_rap_part_2 | This cat photo is so boring, how can I make my cat into the best cat picture ever?
But there's so many colors, which one do I pick?
Find the highest contrast, that's the one to click Now duplicate the layer, let your levels coast Cheers, edges looking darker than some burnt up toasts Get a soft black brush to fill yo... |
TheOnion | Gifted_Youngster_Sells_Cookies_To_Buy_Attack_Ad | This election year, America's youth are getting more involved in politics than ever. Even if they're too young to vote, Jean Ann Wharton takes us beyond the facts. Emily Anderson is just eight years old, but she's already taking part in the political process, helping her favorite candidate, Barack Obama.
McCain is a l... |
TheOnion | Live_Congress_Debates_New_Sex_Based_American_Dreams | But right now, we're getting word that Congress has already begun work on selecting a new American dream. Let's go now to a live feed from Washington where the new dream is being discussed. Before you, a proposal for a new American dream, PD number 432A, the so-called sex with celebrity dream. Under this American dream... |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_scenes_of_phone_case_in_partnership_with_t_mobile_snl | Did everyone have a nice break? Yes! good. All right. Oh! get this. get this.
Record this. this is how it all goes down. Yeah, so today we're here shooting a T-mobile spot with Bonnier.
Good morning! Welcome!
Oh, it's like an animatic. it's an animation. do you all like to watch it? that's what we're getting first? ... |
dropout | the_prom_date_with_jason_bateman_and_will_arnett | When did my little girl turn into such a beautiful young woman? Um, I don't know. It happened about four years ago, Dad.
And please, don't talk like that in front of Skip, okay? This is my senior prom, and I don't want my date to totally freak out. Okay. I don't even want him to meet you. Now, I've spoken to him sever... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_james_carville_on_birth_control_snl | This week, conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh landed in a firestorm of controversy after he called a female law student a slut for advocating birth control rights. here to comment is our political correspondent, the raging Cajun himself, James Carville. hey, how are you, James? well, they haven't found the bodies ye... |
ClickHole | learn_attack_can_volcanoes_teach_us_anything_about_volcanoes | Volcanoes, Earth's worst mountains. From Krakatoa to the Big Bang, humans have feared volcanoes for decades. But what are they really? Get ready to be subducted into molten fact with me right now on Learn Attack. Named after the Roman god of fire, Volcanic Jacob, volcanoes are one of the most explosive landforms on Ear... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_steve_harvey_show_style_makeover_snl | Welcome back to Steve Harvey, my new daytime show where I give you the real. Now I want to thank Paul, the Primate Man at the Lincoln Park Zoo for sharing those animals with us. And I have a correction. the animal that I was holding was called a mama set and not a pocket monkey.
Come on now. Okay, let's go to our week... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_To_The_Rescue_Our_Only_Hope_A_Men_s_Rights_Activist_Fired_Up_More_March_11 | You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall. We've got two of our upstart crack journalists here with me today. We've got Wendell Hussey. Hello, Wendell. Hello, Clancy.
How are you? Good, thanks. And we've got Effie Bateman. How are you, Effie? Yeah, good, good.
We're getting the news today. Wendell's going to take the b... |
dropout | clock_suckers_abe_hole | This week's episode, Ape Hole. This doesn't seem right. Yeah, something about this just seems very wrong.
What are you talking about? These guys? I picked them up in the 1860s. They're just cleaning up the place. It's cool. Slaves? Don't be ashamed of yourself, Ben. What? Me?
You've killed like 10 people. You tried t... |
dropout | hardly_working_stage_names | I'm thinking of changing my name.
What? Why?
I want to be famous. Dan Gerwich is not a famous person's name, it has no... You can't just change your name. Are you kidding me? Celebrities do it all the time.
Look at Woody Allen. What about him? He was born Allen Stewart Conigsberg. Huh. What about Drew Barrymore? You... |
cracked | why_living_in_a_shakespeare_play_would_suck_with_sam_richardson | I see them too. The four kids with the... those things? Yeah, I see them. I don't know if they're wearing braces, though.
It's hard to see, because it's almost night. When darkness veils and all art in a bed, do crush this herb upon yawn lover's head.
Would it be... can we start over? Just... I'm sorry, I'm having ju... |
TheOnion | Perfectly_Good_Tire_Just_Sitting_There_Behind_The_Kroger | This is the Onion News Network, keeping you safe from the lies. Now, regular fact zone viewers know that we sometimes like to take a break from the hard-hitting headlines and bring you a snapshot of American life. So let's turn now to Onion local affiliate WONN5 from Pennington, Illinois, for tonight's Eye on the Natio... |
dropout | the_michael_showalter_showalter_david_wain | I'm Michael Showalter, and this is the Michael Showalter Showalter, and my guest tonight is filmmaker and comedian David Wayne. Yes. Hi, David. Hi.
Thank you for being here. It is my obligation.
You made this movie, The Ten. The Ten.
So what's the reaction been like? At the question and answer sessions, they mostly ... |
cracked | how_die_hard_almost_made_bruce_willis_deaf | For a while, Bruce Willis was the coolest man on the planet, but as the years have piled up, he has slowly morphed into a cantankerous coot. A coot who could kick your ass, sure. But a coot nonetheless.
But there's a good reason why he appears so constantly frustrated, craning his neck and furrowing his brow as if he'... |
TheOnion | Report_Typical_City_Bus_Contains_No_Fewer_Than_Four_Erections_At_Any_Given_Time | An entire train ride is spent deciding if and when to use the bathroom, a dangerous intersection is causing some pretty cool accidents, and a new report finds that a typical city bus contains no fewer than four erections at any given time. You begged and pleaded like mewling infants for a transit-themed summary of this... |
TheOnion | Ashamed_Student_Affairs_Committee_Reveals_There_Aren_t_Any_Awesome_Events_This_Weekend | After notifying students that there will be no awesome events happening on campus this weekend, Hamilton College Activity Board Coordinator Jessica Wilson from the class of 2015 spoke to Onion reporters about the disappointingly empty days ahead. On behalf the entire campus activities board, I would like to truly apolo... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_243_Robert_Forster_From_The_Go_Betweens | You've got myself editor Clancy Overall and of course this week I'm joined by Wendell Hussey the eternal cadet turned lifestyle editor, sometimes sports editor. How you been mate? Yeah I've been good thanks Clancy, getting back into it for the year as you said.
Eternal cadet, look one day I'll work my way up. One day ... |
dropout | a_360_degrees_tour_of_the_collegehumor_office | Hey guys, as a writer for College Humor, I get a lot of questions about what it's like to work here, so I thought I'd give you a brief tour of the office to show you it's a normal workplace like any other. Now, this is actually a 360 degree video, so you can move your screen around to look around the office, but you sh... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_good_variant_snl | Oh my God, did you guys hear there's a new variant? are you kidding me? Oh my God, another one? When is Covid gonna be over? This is ridiculous. wait, wait, wait, apparently this one is good. What do you mean it's good?
I don't know, let me just turn on the news. they're calling it a miracle. a new strain of Covid-19 ... |
cracked | the_scientific_reason_you_want_to_have_sex_with_jessica_rabbit | You ever notice that Jessica Rabbit couldn't actually exist? This is how you tell me? No, no, I mean like if you built a human woman in the shape of Jessica Rabbit, she'd die. But surely though, my love would be strong enough to get us through anything. I hate to tell you, it's not just that she'd be too top-heavy to s... |
TheOnion | Study_Nation_s_Third_Graders_Now_Eating_At_A_Ninth_Grade_Level | A local man feels even lazier when he thinks about how much ISIS has accomplished this year. A police officer doesn't see a difference between black and light-skinned black suspects. And a weak-willed termite eats a whole log in one sitting. Barreling forward on our scorched earth campaign towards truth and righteousne... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_153_Hamish_Blake | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Petunia Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Petunia Advocate radio show. A lot of pressure on us now in our radio capacity right now. We've got, I guess you'd say a pioneer of Australian radio.
Wasn't really a big thing. Wasn't a big thing... |
cracked | the_3_worst_pieces_of_advice_on_the_internet_does_not_compute | Howdy, all of everybody. Hello. Come and see alive with an episode 18 of episode 17. I'm here. I can do this.
Why would you stop? I'm so sorry. Right, no, I know. Good job. But go away, though.
Why is this live now? How is this live now?
It's like meta, but like in a bad way. Hey, everybody, it's me, Skip the Androi... |
cracked | birdemic_worst_movie_ever_or_secret_masterpiece | What makes a movie good? Vision, craftsmanship, people getting their throat slashed by radioactive seagulls that drop acid? Well, Birdemic Shock and Terror has all three of these things, which means it's good, and I'm going to prove it. If you've never seen Birdemic Shock and Terror, it's probably because you've never ... |
dropout | the_problems_with_jeggings_continue | Good morning class! My name is Mr. Stevens. You can call me Mr. S. I will be your substitute teacher while Mr. Binsky is out with whooping cough. Now I hate you people for making me have to mention this so often, but I'll remind you once again. Inappropriate clothing will not be tolerated in this classroom.
Specifical... |
TheOnion | Brooke_Alvarez_Names_The_One_Person_Who_Could_Compel_Her_To_Go_On_Dancing_With_The_Stars | Hello, I'm Brooke Alvarez, award-winning newscaster, but also just a woman who wants her fans to know her better. I know I can come off a little icy on set, but truly, I'm a regular person just like you. After work is over, I eat my food pellets and take my youth serum injections, just like anyone else.
So, let's get ... |
dropout | hardly_working_yoga_teachers | Namaste, everyone, and welcome. Thank you for joining us today for our daily practice. Now, before we begin, remember, there are no judgments here.
Now, I want everyone to put your feet shoulder-width apart. Without pressing, just press your feet into the floor. Press. But remember, Pat, don't press, just press. And n... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Has_Obtained_Hundreds_Of_Classified_Documents_From_The_Trump_White_House | Thank you for joining me today.
I'm The Onion's Washington Bureau Chief Elizabeth Strickland. For more than 250 years, The Onion has stood alone as the most trusted, most venerated, and most feared name in journalism. And over that time, our publication has developed an unrivaled reputation for breaking the world's bi... |
SaturdayNightLive | janet_reno_s_dance_party_president_clinton_saturday_night_live | And now, from the home of the Attorney General of the United States, it's time for Janet Reno's Dance Party. welcome to my dance party coming to you live from the deck of a battleship. it's really just my basement. Say, I really like that song a lot. I want to dance to that one again. Janet? Janet, it's present. I just... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_fight_club | I want you to do me a favor. Yeah, sure. I want you to hit me as hard as you can. What? I want you to hit me as hard as you can.
Fight Club, the ultimate cult movie. It bombed at the box office, but now it's a certified classic. Here are some things that will change the way you watch Fight Club forever. Director David... |
cracked | ded_talks_why_walt_disney_is_nothing_like_you_think_he_was_disney_parody | It all started with a mouse. But thanks to the hard work of countless Disney staff and no women or black people, my dream of putting my name on everything a human being might come into contact with before age 18 has become a reality. And can any of you name even one of those talented Disney animators? Max Fleischer! Ex... |
TheOnion | Evander_Holyfield_To_Box_Horse_For_Heavyweight_Title | You're back in the sports though. Professional boxing has been losing fans to UFC and the WWE for years. But this weekend, all eyes will be on the sweet science when Evander Holyfield boxes a horse for the WBA Heavyweight Championship. Promoters are betting the Philly feud will be one of the biggest fights in decades a... |
dropout | if_barack_obama_were_donald_trump_with_reggie_brown | Folks, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful women. I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss.
You don't even wait. When you're president, they let you do it. You can do anything. Just walk up and grab them by the... Grab them by the... Mr. President, what do you hope your legacy will be?
Well, firs... |
dropout | why_did_i_order_the_shit_salad_hot_date | Folks, we ready? I am. Um, I, yes, I, you go, I'll figure it out. I will have the filet mignon with whipped potatoes. And for you, miss?
Um, I... will have... me... shit salad. Phenomenal. Thank you. Shit salad? I don't know, I just panicked and I ordered the first thing I saw. You don't even like shit.
Why don't you... |
dropout | Watch_My_Stuff_or_Die_Trying | Hey, I'm so sorry to bother you. Could you just watch my stuff? I'm going to run to the bathroom. Oh, sure. Thank you. Get the hell away from that stuff! What? I said, get away. Ah, how clever of the owner of those belongings to appoint someone to watch your stuff. That's right. No one's going near that copy of Eat, Pr... |
cracked | the_one_self_help_group_we_d_actually_join_people_watching_7 | Hey, I didn't get an RSVP from you. Are you coming to the big employee thing at that club tonight? Oh, sorry. I totally forgot.
Yeah, for sure. Great. I'm putting you down for plus two. We're all allowed to bring in a couple people Awesome, perfect Hi, my name is Safra and I'm secretly a gigantic loser with no friends... |
SaturdayNightLive | big_dumb_cups_snl | Hey, momma. are you like us? a pretty lady who drives a big car? are you between 12 and 70 and go to Target every damn day? are you physically or at least spiritually blonde? Well, we're still rocking our big dumb hats. but I know what you're thinking. wasn't that last year's dumbass thing? Hell yeah. that's why now we... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_81_nrl_grand_final_special_bloke_in_a_bar | Welcome to the 2019 NRL Grand Final Special on the Batutah Advocate radio show. I'm Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, joined of course by Errol Parker, editor-at-large. Now if you're listening to this podcast and you don't know how, it's probably because you've opened up one of our NRL Grand Final Special... |
dropout | DROPOUT_Is_a_Netflix | I thought Amazon was a soulless company hell-bent on creating a monopoly by undermining small businesses. It is, but it's also a Netflix. Apple is a Netflix. No, Apple's an Amazon. An Amazon. A heartless company hell-bent on creating a monopoly by undermining small businesses. Apple TV Plus is a Netflix.
I want you to... |
TheOnion | Report_14_Of_Americans_Now_Intolerant_To_Word_Gluten | Music Everyone in a bustling Chinese parade is attempting to elude pursuers. Newly discovered cave paintings suggest early man was battling a lot of inner demons, and a xylophonist is shredding it. Well, well, well, if it isn't the usual suspects clamoring for their weekly allotment of news summaries. This is the Onion... |
dropout | Do_I_Hate_the_Bachelor | I see in my notes here that you two have been together for almost 20 years. That's really something. That's what brings you to my office today.
She hates me.
Oh, I'm sure that's not true. No, it is.
He's the dumbest thing I've ever seen. He's very bad.
So why are you with me? Because that's what I love about you. Y... |
dropout | mc_chris_star_wars_cantina_band_bonus_footage | My backpacks got jets, well I'm Boba of the Fett Well I bounty hunt for Java heart to finance my vet Hold on a sec, you ain't Boba Fett, he got tossed in the Sarlacc pit This thing, are you serious dude? I escaped that ish! Nobody escapes the Sarlacc pit Alright I didn't escape it, Dengar helped me out but I got out of... |
cracked | king_kong_the_worst_broadway_show_in_history | The audiences love him. Hold on, I'll give you a call back. Sir, I've got a show for you. It's the hottest thing this town has ever seen. Slow down, Mr. Denim.
I give you Kong, the eighth wonder of the world. Oh, it's a monkey. It's a giant monkey, stolen from an island of dinosaurs. Wait, where are the dinosaurs? Din... |
TheOnion | Nation_Terrified_After_Millions_Lose_Consciousness_For_8_Whole_Hours_Last_Night | Terror and confusion fell upon the nation this week after nearly 314 million Americans reported inexplicably losing consciousness for 8 hours straight last night, with countless victims helplessly recovering from the fugue-like state with no memory whatsoever of the lost time. I don't know what happened. The last thing... |
TheOnion | No_One_Wanted_This_Poor_Dog_Because_He_Was_A_Registered_Sex_Offender_But_He_Found_A_Home_With_Me | Americans, why do you believe assault weapons must stay legal? So I can defend myself against the woke mob and their vicious cardboard signs. If the founding fathers had semi-automatic rifles, perhaps they would still be alive. If you ban assault rifles, they'll become taboo, and then we'll want them even more and in a... |
SaturdayNightLive | boston_teens_cumberland_farms_saturday_night_live | Hey, what's up? I'm Pat Sullivan, I'm here with my boy Tormey in front of Cumberland Farms. we're making a video for a Criminal Justice class to show how frighteningly easy it is for miners to purchase alcohol in the greater Boston area. as I speak, my girl Denise is currently within, attempting to acquire a couple of ... |
CrackerMilk | turning_your_comments_into_ideas_crackermilk_podcast | Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the... Cracker Milk Podcast! It's good to be back after such a long hiatus. Before we begin, I just want to let everyone know that we're sponsored! Finally! This podcast is sponsored by fucking Manscaped!
My balls have never been, um... You got like, you got fresh ... |
SaturdayNightLive | murder_detective_snl | Okay, Parker. what do we got?
Looks like a mugging detective. Vic was picking up a pizza from Desantis when he was struck from behind.
Herb stashed him here once. he was dead. what can you tell us about the Vic? uh, no Id yet, but he's male. we're thinking mid-40s. Yeah, we're running tests back in the lab now. shoul... |
dropout | awkward_at_parties_horror_movie_with_allison_williams_and_lil_rel | I've got a bad feeling about this. I suck at parties.
Oh, I'm so sorry. This looks fun. Oh, okay. Hi. Hey. Allison. I know. God, I'm so overdressed. My. You look fancy. My. You look fancy. Hey. Sorry. Okay. I'm so sorry.
Are we shaking or are we hugging? I don't know. I'm not a hugger. No, I just made it worse. Why d... |
CrackerMilk | it_s_okay_he_won_t_bite | Thanks so much for visiting my apartment. Ooh, here's my dog Jellybean! Ooh, the cutie! He's very friendly. Give him a pat! Uh, I don't know, he looks kind of upset. He is so friendly. He hasn't bitten anyone before, ever. Hey, Jellybean.
Don't you dare touch me. I will bite you to the bone. I will take you out. I wil... |
cracked | the_5_biggest_douchebags_of_the_past_seven_days | It's Friday, April 4th, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I think we're alone now, except for this man, my new co-anchor, Orrin J. Katzeth. And sorry, ladies, he's taken. Let's get to the news.
Children playing on a Scottish beach discovered a woman's severed head in a plastic bag earlier th... |
SaturdayNightLive | hairem_scarem_hair_horror_stories_snl | Well, it was on the eve of my wedding day and I cut out a picture of Melissa Manchester and I brought it to Vince at Murrell's House of Beauty and I said I want to look exactly like her So Vince says you should have a perm your hair's tooth in So I believed him, it was Vince. So Vince puts the rods in and then he turns... |
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