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TheOnion | Increasingly_Worried_Man_Hasn_t_Yet_Come_Across_Any_Guacamole_In_Burrito | With each successive bite failing to relieve his anxieties, increasingly worried man Dylan Hawks told reporters today that he has yet to come across any trace of guacamole in his burrito, despite having specifically requested it when ordering. No, there definitely wasn't any left there. Cheese, beans, chorizo, oh man I... |
cracked | the_invention_of_the_most_underrated_modern_technology_stuff_that_must_have_happened | Fright presents stuff that must have happened. Good husband. Here. It is time for me to take my stroll. Forsooth, my wife, I pray that thou doth don a bonnet so that thine porcelain skin already so ravaged by the sun does not become even more ravaged. Off you go. Your care flatters thee.
Cecilia!
We must make haste. ... |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_a_senior_python_developer_part2 | I always tell my students the way you make your project shoot to the moon is by writing it in Jupiter. Professional people with PhDs on a mission to make great discoveries use an IDE called Jupiter like they're doing a school assignment.
Where's the Zen of Python? Yes we use the notebooks for our students but not for ... |
cracked | the_7_most_horrifying_birth_control_methods_from_history | Aww man, you know when you want to have sex but you don't want to have babies? Like all the time, right? Well that's how most of us feel, you know, when we're not trying to have babies. And that's the case for most people throughout history.
But your baby making bits don't listen when you ask nicely. Uh, no thanks bab... |
TheOnion | Climate_Self_Conscious_About_All_The_Changes_That_Are_Happening_To_It_Right_Now | 7.1 billion people demonstrate in favor of global warming, Obama now sleeps with a Louisville slugger under his bed, and a song is deemed good enough for a man to put his girlfriend on his shoulders. Overpowering you with news until all but the slightest trace of your identity is lost, this is the Onion Week in Review.... |
cracked | why_star_wars_is_secretly_terrifying_for_women_after_hours | The logistics of warp speed, no? The tactical stupidity of putting your base on a monster-filled ice planet. Lando Calrissian as an ideal version of Machiavelli's Prince.
No to both. Okay, something about Star Wars. Jawas is a metaphor for the Armenian genocide... somehow. No. That's a good idea. No, it's not. If it's... |
TheOnion | After_1_Week_In_New_York_Tim_Tebow_Already_A_Gay_Homeless_Crack_Addict | You're made of wood, but you don't need to build them. They just are wood. You're just saying that because you're too lazy to build a tree.
All right, we've wasted enough time in the science corner. Now comb your brows and look decent. It's time for the face-off.
Mere days after arriving in New York City, Tim Tebow i... |
dropout | how_aubrey_plaza_became_grumpy_cat | Most people know me as an actress and a comedian, but I've been attached as a producer on Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever. The big question is, who will play Grumpy Cat? We've been through a couple actresses, Angelina Jolie, Julie Roberts, Queen Latifah, Oprah, the Olsen twins, Ellen, George Lopez, Meg Ryan, Kesha, E... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | The_types_of_films_that_inspire_George_Miller_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | What are the films that keep you inspired? Oh, gosh. Any film that I see, wherever it's from, where I lose myself in the film, where I'm not sitting outside of it. And some films I enjoy purely as watching it in a more sort of, you know, cerebral way. But a film which sweeps me up carries me on a wave of experience. So... |
cracked | classic_movies_with_the_misogyny_censored | I consent to this. Have you ever been with a girl for it? I sit next to them in my home economics class all the time. Oh, well, maybe someday. Hey, will you please check my breast for a lump? Early detection is important. You must be the famous Pepper Potts. Indeed I am.
After all these years, Tony still has you picki... |
cracked | why_the_jedi_are_the_galaxy_s_biggest_idiots_after_hours | I don't see where I went wrong. It's one letter away from Jedi. Judo is not one letter away from Jedi.
I'd argue with you, but that guy kicks my brain now it's resting. Okay, that guy was 13.
And how many of those classes did you sign up for? Who signed up?
I just showed up in my Jedi costume. It's not a costume, it... |
cracked | why_every_comedy_on_tv_is_starting_to_look_familiar_today_s_topic | Man, whatever happened to sitcoms? Same thing that happened to Baby Jane. Don't understand that reference. Ask me again then. Whatever happened to sitcoms, man? They're around. Did you not see the state of the union, man? That was a weird one. I mean, they've changed so much. I'm researching an article on sitcom archet... |
dropout | If_Google_Was_a_Guy_Quarantine_Edition_Part_3 | Next! Wow! Aren't you adorable? Santa COVID super spreader? Oh god! Contact free presence delivery.
Teeth hurt. What do? Go to a dentist? Dentist risk COVID?
Like three out of five? Hm. Dentistry tutorial YouTube. I don't like where this is going. How socially distanced reindeer? Play chess online. Queen's gamut.
I ... |
TheOnion | Hank_s_Having_A_Great_Time_In_The_Studio_Alone_On_Thanksgiving | Well, folks, it's that time of year, and your old friend Hank is having a great Thanksgiving here at the studio by himself. My crew members are all home with their families, but I'm still here, holding down the fort. Yep, just me here. And I got the games streaming on my computer. I got some party mix, some hot dogs, a... |
dropout | precious_plum_a_tormado | My name is Plum, I'm six years old, and I'm a purely quiet mama driving me around a patch. I am not good at making this up. She's my precious Plum. Today Plum was gonna compete to be Miss Chattanooga Hoochooch in the restroom line of the California Pizza Kitchen.
But then a tomato made a touchdown! Oh my God!
Mama's ... |
SaturdayNightLive | bowen_yang_reveals_jenna_ortega_is_lorne_michaels_real_name_snl | Hi, I'm Jenna Ortega, and I will be hosting Snl this week with the 1975. Wait, sorry, what? I'm hosting Snl with musical guests the 1975. I feel so old. I don't understand any of your generation's slang. are you guys getting any of this? Not yet. What's Snl? Hi, I'm Jenna Ortega, and I will be hosting Snl this week wit... |
cracked | please_be_good_jumanji_welcome_to_the_jungle_cracked_responds_to_the_jumanji_2_trailer | Hey guys, did you guys see the new Jumanji trailer for the purpose of this video? No, I have not seen it yet No, well, they're making a new Jumanji with The Rock if you guys haven't heard it used to be my favorite movie By the way, I used to pretend to be a doing I pretended to be a dog and made my dad call me Jumanji ... |
cracked | 5_classic_movie_high_schools_that_would_suck_to_attend_after_hours | I'm saying imagine you, yourself, as you were in high school, attending an 80s movie high school. And I'm saying I myself, as myself, am averse to vampires. What were you doing freshman year? D&D, that weird Wiccan phase. Recycling, I just started recycling. A vampire infestation is the one scenario where your otherwis... |
dropout | when_you_re_a_total_push_over | It's 20 minutes late yet again. Wow, wasting your time much?
She's being so disrespectful. When she gets here, you better give her a piece of your mind.
Yeah, you're right. I'm pissed right now. Hell yeah.
Hi, hi, hi. Sorry I'm late. It's OK. No worries.
What? What was that?
You just said you were so pissed. I kno... |
cracked | why_star_trek_technology_would_destroy_us_starship_icarus_episode_3 | So where to next far sick? I heard they have atmo boarding there good question computer query current war petting Is it this happened on my last ship the first law of robotics is that any sentient robot will eventually turn into a chimpanzee's asshole Me pan to you man Toby better be on this Technical support. This is ... |
TheOnion | Bored_Scientists_Now_Just_Sticking_Random_Things_Into_Large_Hadron_Collider | Months after identifying the elusive Higgs boson particle, scientists at CERN in Geneva, Switzerland, have announced that they've completely run out of things to do with their Large Hadron Collider. We found the God particle. That was our main thing. Done. I've got some ideas for smaller things to do, but like, we did ... |
TheOnion | The_Beijing_Olympics_Are_They_A_Trap | Welcome. I'm Robert Braun filling in for Clifford Bains today who is not handling his divorce too well.
The Chinese government has spent billions of dollars on the 2008 Olympics that will be in Beijing. How can we be sure that the whole thing is not a trap? No, we can be sure that it is a trap. They've been preparing ... |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_megan_mullally_is_much_more_than_that_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Megan Mullally. as Karen Walker, the part I play on Will & Grace, is such a crazy character, and I really love playing her. But I think tonight you're gonna see a whole other side of Megan Mullally, Okay? yeah. the one that's not always surrounded by gay men. Whoo-hoo! I am So much more than that.... |
cracked | show_and_tell_a_cringe_worthy_look_at_our_teenage_notebooks | Hello, crack.com has asked its writers to go through their old notebooks just a show where we came from just to let the audience know that even mediocre writers were once worse than that. This notebook is truly all-inclusive. This has every cracked idea that I've ever written from the time I was like 15 on and I've alm... |
cracked | before_street_lights_cities_built_giant_moon_towers | Cities used to build giant moon towers. Gas lights, light bulbs, and giant holograms aren't the only ways to brighten up dark streets. And in the 19th century, cities like Detroit and New Orleans constructed 150-foot tall structures that became known as moonlight towers. They used a technology known as arc lighting, wh... |
cracked | 8_ways_to_plan_a_board_game_night_for_adults | board games they're fun they're like toys with rules and everybody likes playing with toys especially a group of four to six of your adult friends but getting those groups together to play with your toys can be tough which is why I prepared a list of helpful tips to ensure that your game night goes off without a hitch ... |
cracked | why_you_shouldn_t_get_high_before_work | You're pretty early, Mr. Late. Yeah, well, I hate living up to people's expectations. Mr. Hate. Hey, guys! Is it too late to go back to Mr. Late? I'm here late!
Walter, what is this? Opposite of the way things really are? Day? What do you mean by that? Guess I missed the memo on opposite day. You know what I realized?... |
cracked | the_horrifying_future_of_bands_from_the_late_90s | Once every few months crack.com locks its entire video team in a different house for five days with a special guest and one Goal make as many stupid sketches as you can. This is one of those Ran to Becky Wayne or the other day you still with her now And she fucking hates me That's 50 US Wes guys Oh Are we in puddle of ... |
dropout | hoverboard_lightsaber_portal_gun_fight | Hey guys, looks like they're releasing a new iPhone.
Again. Man, science is bullshit.
When are they going to invent stuff that we really care about? How about right now?
It's hoverboard lightsaber portal gun fight. All the fictional inventions you crave all in one awesome game.
Lightsaber. A four-foot laser sword t... |
cracked | why_we_constantly_avoid_talking_about_gun_control_some_news_las_vegas_the_nra_puerto_rico | Hello, I'm a news person and here's some news and here it is here it is Okay, maybe we can actually start with something less depressing now I hate to tell you Puerto Rico, but you've thrown our budget a little out of whack You didn't hate telling them that if anything else for the survivors. You have a good time. Than... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Podcasts_Ep_109_Thommo | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live from the Queensland Channel country. You're with myself Clancy Overall and Errol Parker and today's guest is another one of those big hitters we ... |
dropout | rainbow_six_siege_s_most_useful_mode_yet | Hey, all you trap-heads, trapezes, and trapezoids, it's Mike Trapp here to review Rainbow Six Siege, an awesome new first-person shooter where players work together in a counter-terrorism unit to defeat an evil group called the White Masks. Let's check it out. Rainbow Six Siege is probably the most destructive in the s... |
dropout | kingdom_hearts_makes_zero_sense_fans_vs_faves_pt_4 | From proto-man to the proto-molecule, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Un-Actually.
And joining us today, we have Yippee-Waddie-Waddie-Waddie. Hey, what's up? It's your boy. I'm back. He's back. And Siobhan Thompson. Hi. What's up? It's ... |
SaturdayNightLive | mazeltov_saturday_night_live | Family, friends, as I, Morris Cosell, stand here. On the day of my son Howard's bar mitzvah, I am curling. I am indeed overwhelmed because I cannot describe the veritable potpourri of nachos, which I am now feeling. So I ask you, I implore you, eat, drink, and enjoy yourselves. Oh, Son, I love you so much. You're going... |
CrackerMilk | girls_who_trauma_dump | It's so good to see you, how are you? It has been so long and I've been really good, how are you? Yeah I'm good, I'm good, I'm okay, I'm like... What's up?
I actually think it all started in grade 12 because my friend wore the same formal dress as me to the formal and that really screwed up my pictures. That was meant... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_drunk_uncle_on_easter_snl | Well, Easter Sunday is upon us once again, which means time spent with the family. here with tips on how to cope with your family, Drunk Uncle. Whoo! Simply having a wonderful Easter time. Well, Happy Easter, Drunk Uncle. is it, Seth?
Because when I was a kid, you know, Easter used to mean something. Yep. we used to g... |
cracked | which_was_worse_geostorm_or_the_snowman_cracked_responds | I tasked the entire crack team to watch Geostorm and Snowman. We were going to find out which is the worst new terrible movie. Right now these two films are competing for like worst movie of recent memory. I went to go see Happy Death Day instead, Soda Bridget, and I think Cody watched Spider-Man Homecoming on his phon... |
dropout | hardly_working_phantom_of_the_office_part_2 | Fine, I'm fine. So embarrassing. Did you guys see this clay iPhone on Boing Boing? Who has this kind of time? Hey, what's this? Is this yours? My nephew would love this. Oh snap, I forgot to tell you guys. I saw Demetri Martin at Whole Foods.
Really gotta quit this. Spending like 10-15 bones a day on it.
Nobody's ans... |
cracked | a_chili_day_in_hell | Korea a Tuesday 1500 hours more body bags came out of who hang that day than there were bodies to fill them That's awful is it all right enough haunting pleasantries We have a presentation on Monday, and I really want to strangle this one to death Okay, what presentation to whom no idea whatever the chief says is autom... |
TheOnion | Should_The_NFL_Combine_Get_Rid_Of_The_40_Mile_Dash | Welcome back to the Sweat Parade my pretties.
Coaches and GMs from all 32 NFL teams descended on Indianapolis earlier this month to watch 335 of college football's best prospects showcase their skills at the 2019 NFL Combine. Now I completely understand why teams might be interested in seeing how accurately a quarterb... |
dropout | seeing_your_parents_age | And that's how I decided, I, uh, uh, what did you decide would be, no, no, no, no, nobody wants to hear about that. Welcome to the college humor podcast or the CH podcast. You probably guessed that already. CH stands for college humor. So I was right. Either way. Is it, is it called the CH podcast? I don't know. Or may... |
Wizards_with_Guns | medusa_turns_a_furry_to_stone_wizards_watch | Hey guys, our mic screwed up while filming this video, so we're sorry about the garbage audio, but you might be able to fix it if you liked the video. Thanks!
Welcome to another wizard's watch.
All right, here we go. Welcome to when the wizard... We got it! I was just joking man, I was just kidding. Hey, it's all rig... |
SaturdayNightLive | david_spade_summer_concerts_saturday_night_live | And now, with a review of the concerts he saw over the Christmas break, here's our Music correspondent. it's David Spade. Thank you, crowd.
Well, the first show I saw was Leonard Skynard. that's right, Norm. Leonard Skynard. what can I say? I'm a redneck from Arizona. I like this band because my brother liked it when ... |
cracked | 8_famous_movies_that_are_saved_by_historical_inaccuracies | What if period films had to be completely historically accurate? They'd suck hard. Letting Hollywood take license with the inconveniently boring facts of actual history is what's made America the number one non-three hour dance based film exporter in the world and 108th in world history test scores. Don't believe me? L... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_dilbert_on_scott_adams_racist_rant_snl | Newspapers around the country are dropping beloved comic strip, Dilbert after its creator, Scott Adams went on a racist rant last week advocating for white people to get the hell away from black people. Off the record, he's got a point. Hey Michael, Hi Dilbert. So had you ever seen this side of Scott Adams before? Mich... |
dropout | are_you_asian_enough | The tribunal of mixed Asian heritage will now decide the fate of... Mike Trapp?
Yes. Yes, that's correct. My great-grandfather was Korean. Dark hair. It's kind of tan. Okay. Yeah. I see it.
You are accused of claiming to know the best Korean barbecue joints without explanation and insisting your own authority on Nort... |
cracked | how_american_christmas_is_destroying_beijing | Beijing is a beautiful, modern city in northeast China. It has everything you'd expect of a world capital. Cultural heritage sites, bars, beautiful parks, liquor stores, and numerous McDonald's locations. But Beijing also has 21 million citizens, almost one full Texas load of people. You might have picked up on a probl... |
cracked | why_tinder_works_and_is_ruining_online_dating_rom_com | So, are you going to tell us what this meeting is for, or just use your eyes to make one of us dead? She can't actually do that, right?
Why are our numbers down? Seasonality is a big part of the- We are a dating website. We take one lonely person and we stick them with another lonely person, and there are 300,000 lone... |
dropout | hardly_working_desk_toys | It's sick, right out with me, right out, meet them.
Ooh, a new toy, Jake? If my toy, you mean Aragorn, a.k.a. Shwider, a.k.a. the King of Gondor, then yeah. And he'll live here on this divider, protecting Middle Earth. Oh, you know, then he'll be joining the crew of the Enterprise. Yeah, I've been keeping my Kirk toy ... |
CrackerMilk | forgetting_to_feed_your_girlfriend_s_pets | Hey babe, how you doing? Hey, I'm on my way home now. You haven't burned down the house have you? Not yet.
How are the pets? Yeah, the dogs awesome. He's been fed and the sea monkeys Are fine. They're fine.
Oh good. Okay. Well, I'm just pulling in now. So I'll see you in a sec Okay, cool. I'll see you soon Hey, babe ... |
TheOnion | Parents_Keep_Deceased_Son_s_Memory_Alive_Through_His_Awful_Tumblr | When 16-year-old Jeffrey Patterson died in a car accident in February, he didn't just leave behind grieving friends and family, he also left a significant web presence. In a tribute to their son, Jeff's parents have continued to update their son's blogs and social media sites, including a Tumblr blog called Shitbirds, ... |
cracked | we_gender_swapped_snu_snu_and_everybody_should_go_to_jail | In Gene Roddenberry's Futurama's classic episode, Amazon Women in the Mood, Fried, a space delivery boy, gets captured by huge space amazon women. Space Wonder Woman is not included. Also captured is his spaceship captain, Zapp Brannigan, and his spaceship lieutenant, Kiff, both of whom are space sentenced to space dea... |
TheOnion | Today_Now_Finding_Masculine_Halloween_Costumes_For_Your_Effeminate_Son | If you're the parent of an overly feminine little boy, choosing the right Halloween costume is crucial for avoiding humiliation during your family's trick-or-treat outings. Luckily, our next guest is here to help us tackle this difficult problem head on. Jim? Thanks, Trace. This is Anna Stevenson, author of Actually, H... |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_computer_security_trainer | I unfortunately still see a lot of Windows XP and a lot of big corporates. You mean because it doesn't receive any updates? No, because how poor do they need to be to still run Windows XP?
In terms of security, all Windows is horrible. Welcome to Walter Wallace's security training. Computers are pretty secure by now. ... |
cracked | after_hours_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, it's Alex with another so I don't read comments But my friend Nick says you guys want this show to be after hours Which is perfect because there's some kind of after-hours dinner tonight. Whatever that means I've never hung out after hours like this and apparently it's a diner. So fun. Do you guys hear musi... |
dropout | derrick_s_rookie | Honey, I'm just worried about Jason. All he does is sit up in his room all day, listening to music. Well, maybe you should talk to him. I've tried. He just...
Please! Freeze! Everything's under control, sir.
Oh my god, you just shot my wife. Okay, we got the call. What call? You didn't call us? No. Nice one, rookie. ... |
TheOnion | pop_pilgrims_cleveland_the_shawshank_redemption_prison | When the AV Club travels, we always make time to visit pop culture landmarks. If something memorable happened in the world of film, TV, books, or music, we want to go there. We're not just tourists, we're pop pilgrims.
When the AV Club asked readers to suggest locations for pop pilgrims, none received more votes than ... |
dropout | condiment_russian_roulette_live | Hello and welcome to Condiment Russian Roulette. This is live. Live on YouTube, mobile live, which is shot with a cell phone. Let's come this way. Today we're going to be playing a very simple game.
Our brave contestants will take one of these six beautiful condiment bottles and have them squeezed in their face. Five ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_marcello_hernandez_and_chloe_fineman_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. thank you very much. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost. a Federal indictment issued this week against Hunter Biden alleges that he evaded paying over a million dollars of taxes between 2016 and 2020. and they're only ... |
TheOnion | 38_Year_Old_Little_Boy_Posts_Picture_Of_Fast_Car_He_Likes_To_Facebook | After excitedly posting an image of a Lamborghini Rebecca Anton to his Facebook account earlier this afternoon, 38-year-old little boy Nick Weber talked to Onion reporters about his passion for fast cars. When I saw that car I was like, whoa, it was so cool. I had to show it to all my friends. I like red cars the best,... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_amazon_go_snl | Since 2018 Amazon's been showing customers a new way to shop where you can just grab and go. It's Amazon go so I just grab what I want and leave. Yep Wow, that's so easy. Use the Amazon Go app to enter then start shopping. That's it. That's it. No lines, no checkouts. No Problem at an Amazon go store You Can walk in, g... |
SaturdayNightLive | celebrity_jeopardy_robin_williams_catherine_zeta_jones_sean_connery_snl | And welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy! Because of what happened just before the commercial, I'd like to apologize to all blind people and children. that said, let's take a look at the scores. Robin Williams has set a Jeopardy! record by buzzing in 2,000 times and never answering a question.
Yes, thank you! Yes, Jeopa... |
TheOnion | Snake_Eggs_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Pete it's always a pleasure to have you at the table okay where did you get these eggs I dredged them you dredged them well what we have here are some eggs belonging to a species of snake called the Allegheny beach snake these snakes are invasive to this area and are quite virulent where exactly did you dredge these eg... |
cracked | how_do_i_reincarnate_into_a_horse_quorators_podcast | It's Quaradors, we're back for another week. It's the boys. Yo, what's up? It's just us. It's the boys again. It's the boys. Sometimes it's just the boys.
Uh oh. Your parents aren't home. It's just the boys again. Uh oh. Uh, what up, dogs?
It's Alex and Jeremy. I'm Alex. I'm Jeremy. This is Alex.
It's Quora Podcast.... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_love_ahs_with_clarissa_and_dave_snl | Maybe tomorrow we should take a raft out on the lake. Alright, that sounds fun. excuse me, is there room for two more lovers in the hotel? Uh, no way. this can't be happening.
Sure, sure. there's plenty of room for them. thank you. wonderful. here, do you need a hand? Yeah. thank you. Yeah, come, Roger. come, Roger. t... |
SaturdayNightLive | backstage_mark_wahlberg_confronts_andy_samberg_snl | Ha! Hey, Andy. Oh, Mark Wahlberg. Hi. how are you? Oh, not so good, Andy.
I mean, I saw the last show. you did? Yes, I did, and I got to tell you, I'm very upset about this imitation you did with the animals. I mean, what is that? Yeah, it was just a stupid thing we did. it was stupid. Well, I got to be honest with yo... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_s_abortion_ban_claims_o_j_simpson_dies_at_76_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost. the Arizona Supreme Court has reinstated a law from 1864 banning doctors from performing abortions. Now, reinstating laws from 1864 isn't the worst thing for me because I'... |
cracked | the_office_fan_theory_that_will_make_you_fear_jim | The American office is your typical workplace sitcom full of wacky characters harmless hijinks will they won't they romantic drama and of course a Brutal serial killer.
Oh you didn't remember that despite being a fun comedy about paper salesman The office actually had a running gag about a local serial killer known as... |
cracked | the_inevitable_future_of_parenting_reality_tv_shows_john_and_kate_plus_eight_parody | Meet Katie. Hiya. And Katie. Why, hello there.
Katie and Katie are best friends who love kids. Love kids. Best friends. We gave them a dream house and handed them adoption papers so they could raise their very own babies while our cameras roll.
But oops. Should have read those forms, Katie's, because you just took cu... |
ClickHole | so_sad_man_s_daughter_s_head_gets_smaller_every_time_he_lies_about_the_plot_of_breaking_bad | Oh wow, you still haven't seen Breaking Bad? Oh man, you gotta check it out.
About this former chemistry teacher who gets cancer and then starts selling cocaine to pay for his treatments.
Oh yeah, it is intense. Oh, and I almost forgot the other crazy part. His brother-in-law also happens to be the mayor. So there's ... |
TheOnion | Report_Saxophone_Still_An_Okay_Vehicle_For_Self_Expression | After the National Endowment for the Arts released a comprehensive report earlier today confirming that the saxophone is, quote, still an okay way to express yourself, NEA expert Richard Sloan spoke with The Onion about his study's findings.
Well, our study found that users experienced a 28% deeper emotional catharsis... |
TheOnion | Does_Shaving_A_Hammer_Really_Make_It_Move_Faster_Through_The_Air | The hammer throw. These incredible athletes catapult a 16-pound metal ball distances of up to 280 feet. In this sport, every centimeter counts.
That's why throwers try to optimize their performance by shaving all the hair off their hammers before every competition. But does shaving a hammer actually make it more aerod... |
dropout | streeter_theeter_phantom_of_the_catacomb | Count it! Ugh. Oh my god. What the hell, Phantom? You're awake! Good, good, I was so worried about you. My head hurts. Really? Weird. What happened?
What a beautiful pie. Count it! Ooh, that is a good pie.
Well, and I didn't know what else to do, so I brought you here to my category. Really? You couldn't just call an... |
dropout | hardly_working_acceptance_letters_all_nighter | So that's when I realized I'd been using the word perturbron my entire life. That was a really graphic story.
Um, excuse me? Hi, is there Jeffrey Rubin here? Oh, I'm Jeff Rubin. Hello, my name is Montemis Flynn.
I'm from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and I'm here to inform you that you have been accepte... |
dropout | the_person_at_your_party_who_never_leaves | Thank you so much for having us. Oh no, thank you so much for coming. Happy birthday. Thank you.
Get home safe. I opened another bottle of wine. Ooh, it's pretty late. You want me to call you a cab?
No, that's cool. I got Uber. Great. Ooh, it's not surge pricing. It's good. Oh, it stays that way. There's no beer left... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_The_Canberra_Sex_Scandal_The_US_Election_Local_News_More_November_13 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Rap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bullet and a bit pepped up to the Savo. We're already on the piss. My name is Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate. I'm joined by Errol Parker, editor-at-large.
How are you Erro... |
SaturdayNightLive | buckwheat_dead_and_america_mourns_snl | Buckwheat Dead, America, brought to you by mutual life because you could die tomorrow. Good evening. I'm Ted Koppel. surely, everyone knows by now that Buckwheat is dead. But for those of you who have not seen the videotape of Buckwheat being shot, let's take a look. Buckwheat was buried today and the entire world mour... |
SaturdayNightLive | brian_fellow_s_sports_news_saturday_night_live | It's been a big week in sports here to provide us with his expert analysis on all the latest sports news. They're one of the straightest shooting columnists of the country. The man who tells it like it is Sports Reporter Brian Fellow. I'm Brian Fellow. Well, basketball fans around the world continue to be saddened by t... |
dropout | losticil | My friends and I like to go out to dinner, but about two years ago things started to change. They were all watching this television show, lost, and I couldn't keep up. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and then my doctor told me I had lost discussion deficiency syndrome.
LDDS affects one in every eight adults, but now ther... |
TheOnion | Witch_Who_Granted_Beyonce_Beauty_And_Fame_Takes_Singer_s_First_Born_Child | Beyonce fans around the world were thrilled when the multi-platinum singer gave birth to a healthy baby girl earlier this week. But that excitement quickly turned to shock when the witch who granted Beyonce her perfect singing voice 15 years ago appeared in a cloud of smoke and demanded the star's firstborn child. Goss... |
cracked | michael_swaim_explains_mental_telepathy_futureproof | Hey everyone! Welcome to Future Proof, where I nerd out about classic sci-fi staples and their real-world counterparts. I'm your host, Michael Swain, the man with the surname that can no longer be acronymed.
I use them all up. Court order. So what's always intriguing me? Today, it's mind reading. Telepathy, the big br... |
dropout | Who_Gave_a_Stranger_an_Accidental_Uber_Ride_Dirty_Laundry_Clip | Who, after they were mistaken for an Uber, drove home a complete stranger? Which one of you polite motherfuckers couldn't tell someone that you were not their Uber driver?
I do think we're all exactly the kind of doormat to do this. We're all a bunch of spineless assholes. I would die before I set a single boundary. H... |
dropout | nicki_minaj_s_butt_goes_solo | As you know, Nicki Minaj and I have become a pop culture phenomenon, and I'm grateful for the success we've found together, but recently I've been receiving more and more screen time in our videos, and I realized, wait a second, I'm what people are tuning in to see. I am Beyonce, and the rest of her body is Destiny's c... |
dropout | your_facebook_is_false_with_rainn_wilson | Hi there, I'm Rainn Wilson and these are your inspirational Facebook quotes, Internet. I live for the nights I'll never remember, with the friends I'll never forget.
Virginia McClintock, University of Texas. False. Humans live to mate and procreate the species.
And what do we have here?
It's like nobody is watching,... |
TheOnion | Jay_Z_Fans_Brace_Themselves_For_Onslaught_Of_Horrible_Odes_To_Baby | Though the birth is still a few months away, a new government report says that the nation must be on high alert for an upcoming barrage of terrible Jay-Z rap ballads about fatherhood. Government officials are warning everyone to take precautions to minimize the damage caused by the onslaught of horrible rhymes Jay-Z is... |
TheOnion | Army_Program_Pairs_Female_Soldiers_With_Male_Chaperones | This is the Onion News Network, a 24-hour non-stop news assault. The Department of Defense made an historic change to military policy today. For the first time ever, women will be allowed to serve in combat provided they are supervised by a male chaperone. The Onion News Network's John Harris fouled this story from Kan... |
ClickHole | lifelong_new_yorkers_describe_how_the_city_has_changed | I've lived in New York City my whole life. Honestly, I barely recognize the city anymore. It used to have a lot more grit, you know? New York is always changing, and that's what I love about it. I miss the old New York.
In 1931, Mayor Walker saw an ad for the Empire State Building in a Sears Roebuck catalog and ordere... |
CrackerMilk | when_our_timeline_went_wrong | Come in HQ, target in sight. Copy that, clear to engage. Stop! Hey, I'm you, six years from the future.
Whatever you do, don't take that shot. Don't take that shot! What? If you take that shot, everything goes to shit.
There's a war in Europe, pandemic, climate change, face masks. Do you know what an NFT is?
No, nob... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Why_Should_Indigenous_People_Get_Special_Treatment_Annual_Leave_Expert_Somehow_Pulling_Off_A_19_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Borden. We're thinning out here at the Batutah Advocate at the back end of I guess the school holiday break. Not many people in the office. A few of the staff have gone home for Orthodox Easter, of cou... |
SaturdayNightLive | sonny_angel_snl | I'm having such a great night with you. Oh, thanks for having me. your place is so nice.
Oh, thanks. you probably see a lot of girls' apartments. uh, not really. You know, most of the girls I date live in houses.
Whoa, what is that? Oh, my lamp. that looks like bread. I know. it's funny, because it's a lamp.
No, you... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Hugh_van_Cuylenburg_from_The_Resilience_Project | Hello and welcome to the Betuda Advocate podcast. My name is Wendell Hussey. I've got Effie Bateman here in the studio today and we have a special guest today actually.
He's a man who's achieved a hell of a lot. It's quite an interesting journey. You may be familiar with it. His name is Huw van Cuylenborg. He is the f... |
TheOnion | Older_Hispanic_Men_Line_Up_Excitedly_For_Breaking_Dawn_Premiere | The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 opened on Friday and thousands of Twilight's biggest fans, older Hispanic men, showed up for the opening night. My bestie, Angelique Clark, has more with the Star Fix. Thanks, Brooke. Giddy older Hispanic men took the day off work and lined up as early as 4 a.m. Friday morning to ... |
dropout | women_to_men_please_catcall_us_psa | I am a woman a woman a woman and this is a message from women all different types of women telling you men to cat call me cat call me cat call us how will I know if I look hot today if you don't let me know hey baby damn you've got beautiful eyes he's so sweet only looking at these little lies of mine I can't wait till... |
dropout | realistic_superhero_funeral | Friends, we gather here today to mourn the passing of Alpha Man, Earth's mightiest hero, who was tragically slain last week by his archenemy, Rex Ruthless. Pretty impressive turnout for a sixth funeral. I hope this goes quicker than the last five.
I've got a date later with Limber Lass. You wanna know why they call he... |
TheOnion | Mother_Shares_How_Video_Games_Radicalized_Her_Son_To_Run_Around_And_Pick_Up_Coins | As a mother of a 10-year-old boy, I know firsthand just how dangerous video games can be. Not only are they addictive and isolating, but they can teach our children to mimic toxic and sometimes deadly behaviors. And my Michael was no exception. Video games radicalized my son to run around and pick up coins.
And now, h... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_randy_graves_saturday_night_live | Okay, we've heard a lot of opinions from the media about the White House scandal. what we haven't heard is straight talk from young people. here tonight, from the University of Ohio, Sigma Epsilon's own Randy Graves. Call out! Whoo! First of all, this is a big story. Dude, read the Papes. this thing is Huge. basically,... |
SaturdayNightLive | don_zimmer_sports_spectacular_saturday_night_live | The Don Zimmer Sports Spectacular! Don Zimmer, I welcome to my Sports Spectacular, where I talk to the biggest names, Barnard and Sports. And speaking of big names, they don't get any bigger than my old pal, Petey Rose. ha ha!
Hi! Beautiful. how you doing, Buddy? Oh. how you doing, you old solid boy? it's good to see ... |
cracked | how_alcohol_is_necessary_for_online_dating_rom_com | Hey bub, what you working on? Not work, I hope.
It's crazy. Our matching algorithm is on point, so the connections we make make perfect sense. But for whatever reason, there are a bunch of outlier couples that pair up outside of our algorithm. Wow. Our version of crazy is super different. Actual bird elected to state ... |
dropout | what_is_the_sexiest_way_to_die_rank_room | What if while this is happening, some of the groupies take off their clothes? Just a thought. Let's make this sexier. Hello America. Welcome to The Rank Room. This is a show where we answer one of life's most important questions. Today's question is, what is the sexiest death?
I am joined by Raphael Chestank. Buckle u... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_224_The_Hilltop_Hoods | Today this is basically a local act we're interviewing because as the crow flies, Adelaide is our closest capital city. That's how far west we are here in Channel Country of Queensland. A lot of people consider Adelaide the big smoke. We kind of have that Broken Hill kind of energy out here. Not a lot of people know th... |
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