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I know roughly how and when I am going to take my own life. But I'm still sad that I can't be happy instead. [removed]
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Started having reduced anxiety from weed for the first in 4+ years after taking citalopram I used to enjoy getting high in the evenings when i was younger as it helped take the edge of. However since the last 4 years I haven't been able too, as it would give me horrible paranoi/ make my anxiety worse. So i stopped. Anyway, i'm 3 weeks into my Citalopram medication (First time on anti-depressants). Thought I would try a small amount last night with some close friends... And at a surprise to what i thought i wouldn't enjoy... I actually felt less anxious, more chatty and loved every minute of it. Been wanting to enjoy it again. Just wanted to share this with everyone :) Has anyone else had similar experiences?
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My biological father died today, but I never knew him. Should I care? Not sure if more details are needed? Subject to later edit.
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Finals are coming up and I spent all semester in bed Man I just want to die
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I just quit my job that caused me so much stress I had to see a counsellor and start taking medication. I feel so relieved and scared and happy and anxious and a million other things right now.
And I’m so lucky to have so many people supporting me in this decision.
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I love you! You're a beautiful Armenian princess, and I want to give you the world!
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This is so frustrating I've been struggling with mental health problems for a while. I've been looking for an answer to whats wrong with me for so long. I started realizing my symptoms matched bipolar a lot. I was looking for a diagnosis for so long, not specifically bipolar. I needed the relief of it, the reassurance that someone knew why i was feeling the way i was. And finally after 3 months, I'm let down by the hard truth. My doc said I've been caught up in diagnosis so much, I haven't realized it doesn't actually mean anything. It's really just a label. I finally understand it all, medicines treat symptoms not diagnosis. It's a hard truth to learn because I was so unsatisfied after struggling for answers for months. False hope has been a reoccurring thing in my life. It's time I learn my lesson. My P-doc said a diagnosis for my symptoms could take years. After seeing how frustrated and upset I was, he gave me at least *some* reassurance. An extremely broad category of disorders that's pretty much meaningless. He said mood disorder - not otherwise specified. Its hard to look back and see that 3 months of struggle just got me this meaningless categorization. I'm currently taking anti psychotics, an anxiolytic, and soon an anti-depressant and still no thing i can actually conform to. I've been dying for answers i can get NOW. I guess i need to learn that it takes time. I feel like my suicide attempts, hospitalizations, and manic episodes are unexplained, which makes me feel so fucking abnormal. It makes me feel sick sometimes. Sometimes I don't even want to wait around and just be done with it. I want an explanation. I feel like I'm so fucked up for no reason.
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How was anti depressants for you? Did they help you in any way? Did they make you worse? Did they work? How did they effect your life?
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I am so fucked up. I deleted my first post, i will try again.
I'm a 19 years old male, who is very depressed and a loser. I want to become something but not smart enough, sometimes i hit myself in the head because i have so much anger left from my failures, and i keep doing the same failures over and over again.
I don't want to live anymore, i feel ashamed for what i've become and i even can't do a basic math test.
I fail on everything i do. My friends are no good, i don't like them anymore. I am lost. My life is going nowhere, i keep creating goals that i don't finnish. I lie to myself everyday. I don't want to tell anyone about my depression. And i am suicidal sometimes.
I fucked up school two times and soon three times. For two years ago i used drugs with my friends(thats why i'm not with them anymore), and i feel very very bad. I can't just forget, i never can.
I wasn't even that person, i was a happy and a smart young man. But how did mylife end so bad? if i were smart i wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have failed school almost three times. I wouldn't have tried drugs. I fucked up myself, i am not the same person i used to be, but i want to.
Bye and sorry for all the text.
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I am having such a bad panic attack right now I just woke up with one. Literally woke up to it. I must have dreamed something that freaked me out again. Ativan please kick in faster while I'm trying to remember in through your nose out through your mouth and count to 5 on on each. I just coached my husband through one the other day, why can't I take my own advice.
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'Sunday' depression help? Does anybody ever get into a really 'bleh' mood all Sunday? Like you'll be fine the day before and after but that whole day you're just a different person it seems. But its not just always on Sundays, sometimes it happens on random days.
I don't think it's my job because I like my job.
So does anyone have any ways to combat this feeling? Things they like to do or focus on to that helps? TIA
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I'm Still Here So I have been very suicidal since Christmas, and lost my job since I couldn't bear going to work anymore. Not sure if I found a reason to live or not. Someone here was nice enough to try and talk to me about my problems. It cheered me up a bit, so I decided to pay it forward and see if I could be of help to anyone else here struggling to find a reason to live themselves. I have been talking to a nice girl who had posted in this subreddit and I hope I have helped her, but she is still battling her demons as I am battling the demon of obsessive thoughts of my ex. I just can't seem to let it go and it's making me think of all my past relationships as well... I've only had three.
I don't think much about the first one, and even though that one lasted the longest it was abusive and toxic. I'd just like to forget that one and I pretty much have. The second is the one that really gets to me. My second girlfriend was really nice, and quite possibly the love of my life, and I feel very guilty and ashamed that I didn't treat her well enough. I feel I didn't give her enough attention, and I didn't get her the proper help she needed when I found out she was addicted to opiates. She had threatened to kill herself once to me and later after we had broken up. I was angry with her for years after we broke up, because we were both in a bad financial state. After finding a job out of state, I had proposed we work together to get on top of our finances and pay off our debts, the bulk of which was hers. She had a lot of student loan debt and I offered to help her pay that off if she was willing to work with me. Initially, she agreed, but a week or two later she said she wouldn't help at all. Her mom told her she wasn't responsible for the back rent we had owed. Furious, I told her we were done.
I focused on paying off the back rent myself, and managed to save quite a decent chunk of money working forced overtime at my job. I didn't go out much because I didn't know a lot of people where I lived, so I saved more money that way. I worked out of state for about 5 years, until I found a better paying job back home. It was around this time that I got a call from my friend. Ironically, I received the call at the bar where I had gone on our first date... my friend told me that she had died from a speedball. I imagine she had still been abusing morphine and mixed it with cocaine, but I was floored. I had written her to apologize about a year or two before this. Later I had heard of a suicide attempt by her, and tried to contact her but she never responded.
I was the only boyfriend of hers to show up to her memorial service, and I tried hard to hold back my tears. It was devastating, despite being angry with her for years. I found out from another that had dated her, that her mom had been supplying her the morphine the whole time. She told me she had been stealing it from her mom. And years later after she died, I found myself sobbing at work one day. And everytime I think about her it brings me to tears. I don't know if she overdosed on purpose, but I can't put it past her.
I hadn't dated or had sex for 10 years after my second girlfriend... smartphones hit the scene and finding a girlfriend became a lot more difficult. Well, honestly it's always been difficult for me. I'm unusual and I don't find many girls I share common ground with, especially in my locale. So, when I met my most recent girlfriend online I was pretty overjoyed. But it fell apart very quickly, and only lasted about 5 months. I wrote all about that situation in my previous tl;dr post on SW. I'm still confused because I tried so hard. I didn't want to repeat the same mistakes I had made with my last girlfriend, and I still don't know what I did wrong if anything. I never got any closure from her and she was downright cruel to me... and she's proud of it. It makes no sense to me because I thought I treated her pretty well.
I wish I could meet someone else, I want to think of someone else and not my ex. The pain of thinking about her is unbearable to the point where suicide seems like a viable option. But I know it isn't and I don't want to die. I contacted my second girlfriend's best friend today, to ask her where her memorial stone was placed. I wanted to leave her a rose, like the one I gave her on our first date. Maybe I can go tomorrow.
It's funny what our hearts can make us feel. We can be in heaven when we're with someone we love, and when they're gone we can go straight to hell. A friend of mine suggested I become a whore for the new year and try to have sex with as many women as I can... but that's not really who I am. I don't think I could avoid becoming attached to someone if I did that. They say sex creates a soul connection between two people and I definitely believe that. I don't want to spread myself too thin, and give a part of my soul to a bunch of sloots that I'll probably only see for one night. You'd think a guy like me would be a valuable commodity, but it doesn't seem like it.
I wish I could find someone to love and who will try as hard as I do to make things last. People keep telling me how good looking I am, but it doesn't seem to help me much. Maybe I'm just too weird.
Anyway, I'm still here... waiting for something to change for the better... and I hope you are too.
Peace and a happy new year to all of you.
Stay alive.
Refuse Your Defeat
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A FUBAR escape plan. (diary of a dead father) I’ve spent a lot of time debating whether there would ever be any point of me joining reddit. I mean, the stories you see every so often can be quite intriguing and funny, dark and salty or just plain sad. I never bothered til now because I thought I’d just be wasting my time, and I still do think that, that nobody would bother to read but at least I can read it. Like a sad little reward to myself if I do make it past the new year. I write this in my current state ad a 29 year old father of 1 who has realised... Im severely depressed.
Today is…. I dunno it just is. It’s not particularly a good day and not particularly bad. I think the bong this morning helped, Pot usually does. I think way too much without it which usually constitutes a bad day. It’s weird, I realised the majority of my bad days are ones I haven’t yet smoked in. I get bad ones on pot too but not nearly as intense. Do I have a drug problem? Perhaps? Am I feeling all these things because it’s withdrawal? Again perhaps… though consider the flip side. I was never this depressed before since an event that happened in the summer. I masked a lot of it with smoke to heal. Maybe I wasn’t healing. Maybe I was just masking it. Maybe my mental health is that fragile that pot helps level it out. I heard something on Dr. Who last night. Don’t waste hateful energy on somebody you only dislike. Meh. It’s not all hate though, it’s a lot of self loathing and self hate for whatever life plan I’d patched together when my 3 year old was born being destroyed and torn in two.
Pick yourself up, focus on the positives, yada yada yada. I know this. Fuck seriously I know the logic, and with a logical mind I can attain a logical answer… for someone else’s problem. My emotion supersedes logic and I’ve tried just about everything to counter that train of thought but I just get frustrated… no it’s more than frustrated. It’s a fucking burning, tearing and twisting pain deep in your chest that no matter how hard you try to satiate it, it just won’t go, it’s a constant reminder, a reminder of what you’ve lost, a reminder of how useless you actually are, a reminder that you can kid yourself all you want, this is the reality, this is how fucking depressed you’ve become, you won’t reach out because you’re in a state of social anxiety, you won’t talk about it because who the fuck wants to hear that shit… really, even the people that say they do, don’t. Telling you otherwise usually comes off quite patronising and condescending. I dunno, spiral mode I guess. Again, this isn’t a bad day today. I’m ok.
I’m scared to go to a doctor. I’m scared to admit I need help because I’m fucking terrified they’ll restrict my time with my boy. I have a easy little 50/50 share of my son with my ex which I know could go to shit if Social Services ever got a whiff of how I feel some days. Please be assured it’s never days I have my son. It’s the days without. The days I have to fill wondering what I’m missing, knowing I can’t be there if he asks for me that day because it’s “not my turn”
Not my fucking turn… how fucking shit it that. I have to take turns to see my own goddamn son. Still, it’s more than many fathers get I guess. But this brings me to my problem again. How the fuck do I open up about how I feel to some Doctor when in a flash I could find myself a zombie on some anti-depressants with child services at my door worried about “my mental health and the wellbeing of my son”
I’d never fucking hurt my son! Ever! He’s the only thing that’s stopped me from hanging so far. He’s my best friend. As much as I want to be selfish, I couldn’t do that, not before Christmas. I dunno what I’m waiting for… a sign maybe? Courage? A bad enough day to go “fuck it” blindly.
I have no idea… but today hasn’t been a bad day… yet it’s only 10:24am.
This might be the only post I ever do, I might come back tomorrow, or in a few days, shit you may even get a bad day to read on and be proud of how “you beat it”
I hope it doesn’t sound so condescending reading back if I do make it…
| 4
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Mind is in a dark place right now I'm so stressed and scared and just oh my god I feel like I have so much stuff I need to do I need therapy I need a doctor I need to sleep better I need to get better at my job, today just sucked.
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Can somebody say hi to a very lonely person.. I lack everything.. I miss human interaction so much..since the start of everything. Since my mental fucked up state took place. today i went alone and drunk as usual to this place and tried to made smalltalk to some billiard players, about their plays and saying like "well played" just for them to at least look at me, but no go..
So.. Hi to all :) i love you all who despair, who want to off themselfs, selfharm, etc. Its a struggle that nobody understands, just the ones passing through it. Goodnight
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I'm about to flunk a class for the first time and I don't have anyone to talk to. [deleted]
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Tired of life and all of its bull shit I’ve honestly had it, things started to get better now they’ve went down hill again... It makes me wish the Tylenol would have killed me back in 2016. Have thoughts of hanging myself daily... Was recently diagnosed with bipolar and major depressive disorder... Have no friends, no job, no money, I’ve just had it. Wish I could just end it all...
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Therapy makes it worse I have too many issues to count and I need therapy for my well being, but I'm also legally obligated to be in therapy. But every time I go I just feel worse afterwards, doesn't matter what therapist I see. I don't even know what to do because if therapy doesn't work then what will
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The landlord seems surprised When I show up goggily in my pajamas in the basement
Sunday at 6 am
*Yes I can hear the music and the metal clanging of the hammer on the furnace*
After midnight on a weekday
*Yes I can hear you hammering and drilling two floors up, so can everyone else*
I'm trying to fucking sleep so I can cope without fucking meds because I have some strange fucking allergy or something and I can't take anything now because I don't know what the fuck is wrong.
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The only thing I care about is that I care about nothing. It makes me feel bad. Not sad, but like I'm broken.
I know there's things I need to do, or should do, but I choose not to. I lay in bed almost like it's a sick game, seeing how long I can stay there before I guilt myself out.
I feel like deep down, I do have the power to get out and get things done...but I'm choosing not to. I'm choosing to stay in bed and play this stupid fucking game.
I know my life is privileged compared to many others. I know just like me, many of you feel like you have no reason for being depressed. Yet here we are.
Fuck depression.
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My parents are awful dog owners Before I really start, let me explain that I have tried encouraging them to be better dog owners, I've tried gently and firmly explaining why they should train their dog, I've tried to buy them a training class (they won't accept), and since I was a dog trainer for a couple of years, I've tried to help them train their dog at home. I've done everything I can think of to help them fix this problem. But I can't make them do it.
I also want to point out that I will be describing injuries to a dog, but not graphically. And 2 dogs die in this story (1 from natural causes). I just want to warn you guys in case you're like me really can't stomach that kind of stuff.
So I live with my parents. I have a dog named Ginger, and she is my daughter. She loves my parents, but I'm her mommy. Or at least I'm the person she seems to love the most. My mom had a dog named Cujo who was her spunky little lap dog until last year when he died of old age. My mother adopted another dog a few weeks later.
Ginger and Cujo were both kept in our yard with an electronic fence, the kind where you bury the wire and put collars on the dogs. My dad put Cujo's collar on the new dog, and I reminded him that he should follow the instructions for the fence and train her to the fence. When he said that he would just put the collar on her and let her figure it out, I told him that many dogs "jump through" the fence the first time when you do that, realize the shock isn't so bad, and that it's worth the shock to get outside the fence and get what they want. This is exactly what happened. Months later, the dog was hit by a car and died.
Earlier this year, my mom adopted another dog. Maggie. At this point, neither of my parents had any faith in the fence, because obviously if you don't follow directions and your dog gets out of the fence in the exact manner you've been warned about, the problem is the fence. Luckily, they worry about Maggie getting into trouble in the yard because she's so small, so they have her on a tie out when she wants outside or they take her out on a leash.
Now, Ginger is my dog, as I've said. Maggie has decided that Martin is her person, though she's still a little lapdog for my mom (one reason my mom adopted her was to have a lapdog again). Then in April, my mom found a puppy for free on facebook. The owners had small children and explicitly said that the dog was too much for them. So my mom took her, and her name is Sally.
In May, I was diagnosed with leukemia and spent about a month in the hospital (I've been in and out the hospital for treatment since then, and I've had a stem cell transplant that's doing well). Chemo suppresses your ability to produce blood cells of any type, so for several months, I needed blood and platelet transfusions. My platelets got so low that my retinas started bleeding, and my red cells were so low I wasn't strong enough to stand and walk more than 20-30 feet at a time due to lack of oxygen getting to my cells and muscles.
Because Sally is a large, rambunctious puppy with 0 training, this meant that she was a huge threat to me. My mom also has balance and strength issues, mostly from medication and malnutrition (like, she eats Ding Dongs for breakfast and thinks she's eating plenty), so Sally is a threat to her too. Sally has tripped me and knocked me into walls and tables, and I'm under strict orders that if I hit my head, no matter how hard, I need to go to the ER right away in case I have a bleed in my brain because my platelets are about a 1/3 of what they should be. It's pretty serious.
My mom only got Sally because she wanted a dog for her. I have Ginger, dad has Maggie, and mom wanted a dog that would look to her as the dog's favorite person. And now that I have cancer, she says she's "frozen" and can't do anything, so training Sally is out. Her psychiatrist has told her to get therapy for PTSD (she has several other mental diagnoses and isn't compliant with most medications and hasn't been in therapy in years, and she also doesn't want to go to therapy because no matter how many times the different therapeutic processes are explained to her, she thinks that it's just her paying someone to listen to her complain). She has yet to find a therapist, though some of the problem is the therapists she's contacted (one was a religious group with therapist with no actual qualifications or training in PTSD, just a certificate from a Christian therapy group; another therapist double booked her for her first visit and refused to see her in favor of the existing patient). She's tried. She's just not being diligent.
So that brings me to today. Sally, of course, has never had the electronic fence collar on her. There has also been no attempt to train her to stay in the yard aside from being yelled at by my parents, "GET OUT OF THE ROAD!" This is not actual training. And Sally was hit by a car today. Luckily, she survived. She had some scratches that needed to be stitched, and she has a dislocated hip that will require at least one surgery. We won't know if she'll need a second surgery until Monday. And she has bruised lungs.
So. We have negligent dog owners. We have circumstances where a dog jumping on you would have been annoying, but the jumping is now an actually dangerous situation for 2 people in the household. We have mental health issues that are not being addressed, so my mom is miserable and Sally is still not being trained.
And *I* feel guilty. I love dogs. When I'm not moonlighting as a cancer patient, I work with pets and I primarily work with dogs. I've trained them, I've groomed them, I'm a professional belly-rubber. I find all the good scratchy spots. But I can barely stand to be around Sally some days. She is so hard to love. And it's not her fault, so I feel guilty for not loving her as much as she deserves. She's not a bad dog, she just needs training. In the meantime, she wants to be so close to me that it's like she's trying to get inside my skin, and I'm not always strong enough to fight her off. My skin is very fragile after chemo, and I now have scars from where her paw pads -- not her nails, her paw pads -- scratched me. I have to be very careful around her if I'm on my feet, because she can and has knocked me down. And it doesn't help that Maggie isn't trained either and aggressively plays with Sally, meaning they are sometimes literally rolling into your legs as you try to get around them.
And it really pisses me off that Sally has been injured, has to suffer through that pain and go through surgery, maybe twice, because my parents aren't doing what they are supposed to be doing and taking care of her. If my mom wants a dog to adore her and be devoted to her, she needs to give that to the dog and be responsible for her health and behavior.
And to top it all off, I am resentful of my mother right now because when she gets into a manic episode, it manifests as anger. So all my gentle and firm, "You have to train your dog," means that when she's manic, I'm the enemy because I don't love her dog. While I was getting ready to visit my oncologist a couple of months ago, she woke up manic and angry and was extremely angry at me. Here I am, with cancer, and at this point uncertain about my future, and my mom tells me she hopes that I "suffer." Because she has done nothing to make it easier to love her dog. I should suffer, because her dog is untrained.
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I thought I was ok but I’m not I recently got off all my meds after being on a bunch for bipolar which I don’t have turns out. I got off them and felt so much better than I did on them. Only thing I’m on now is lamictal and xanax .25 twice a day. Being on two meds is nothing compared to all that I was on. I decided to go off Xanax because I got a new job I start tomorrow and I can’t go there on xanax as I wouldn’t be able to do much. Ever since I haven’t been using the xanax I’ve felt like I was going crazy again. Just so depressed and anxious. It almost feels dissasociative - I get so lost in my negative thoughts I feel like I will then into existence and I know I can’t control these thoughts so i also feel like my failure is inevitable. It doesn’t help that I got diagnosed with a really painful chronic illness 4 months ago. I’ve been unemployed for 4 months and now got this great job that if I wasn’t so sick and sad all the time I’d be great at. I worry I’m going to suck, lose the job and then have to move Home. I live with my boyfriend who can’t afford this apartment on his own and needs me for the other half of rent. We also had plans to save and move out of my small town by next year but by the way things are going with me I don’t think that’s going to happen.
I tried prozac before I decided to go off most meds and it sent me into a suicidal depressed painful (couldn’t eat couldn’t sleep) 4 weeks and I’m still recovering from it. I was mentally and physically traumatized from this bad reaction to prozac and I told myself I don’t need an SSRI- and I’d just figure it al out with therapy. Well- here I am crying all day and feeling so depressed and sick from my condition (which btw gets worse with stress) and I feel like I’m going crazy. I never ever had suicidal thoughts before the prozac and now that I know my mind is capable of those thoughts they keep sneaking into my head. I don’t have intentions but I do think often about how I’d do it and how if things get really bad soon i may go crazy enough to actually try to hurt myself. It’s so hard being stuck inside a mind that doesn’t work and I’ve realized the best chance I have is trying another SSRI, I’m so afraid of them now and I lost 30lbs from my withdrawal of Prozac. My chronic condition is that my stomach is paralyzed and I couldn’t eat at all and didn’t want to in fear of getting sick.
Now I feel like I’m at the point where things are just going to get worse if I don’t try to find something to help. I worry that I’ll get a bad reaction again, that I’ll have to quit my job, move home and my boyfriend I guess will come with me but we have no car. And my partners live in the woods. I feel like I’m dragging him with me through my hardships.
Also on top of all of this- all SSRIs can effect your stomach- and mine is in such bad shape that I really didn’t want to risk going on another and having to be so sick again. I’m sick now but before I could hardly talk or move from the nausea. That lasted weeks and I lost 30lbs. I can’t afford for that to happen again as well as I don’t think I could mentally handle that unless I was sedated 24/7. I wanted to die so much during those weeks of withdrawal and I still feel like I want to not exist. I am afraid of myself though. I don’t think I’m control of my brain and the thoughts I have as much as I don’t want to have them. I’m so scared and I thought I was okay but I’m not. And I start my new job tomorrow which is way more intense than I expected it to be and they require constant attention. I can’t even take care of myself and remember to eat. I have such issues with eating currently and I can’t take care of myself nor do I have the desire to try. I know a lot of people have trouble when they graduate college (I just did) but man I didn’t expect it to be a full blown mental breakdown. All I want to do is live. And that seems nearly impossible to do successfully right now. I just want to have confidence again and it’s so depleted. I was once so confident and now I have no confidence whatsoever I feel like my brain just doesn’t work. Is it so much to ask for a working brain and body? Everything doesn’t work. Why am I here why is this happening to me what did I do to deserve this etc. I now know life is unpredictable and cruel and I can’t change that. I’m 22 and have lived essentially a quarter of my life and it’s kind of sucked.
Being in control of anything is a distant memory now and I wonder if I’ll ever regain control again.
| 4
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Just can't quite do it I have my gun, ammo, my room, and I can't bring myself to do it. I'm just to damn shared to die I guess. But I'm so sick of living. I mean what's the damn point. Life never really seems to get better. It just keeps going like some unending purgatory, but I just can't do it. Ugh! On top of everything else turns out I'm a coward too.
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"Anxiety disorders, depression, & any of a myriad of auto-immune diseases are the common physical repercussions of sustained Self-betrayal." [deleted]
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Nobody enjoys talking with me I'm too awkward and I make people uncomfortable until they come to hate talking with me. I don't want to be alive when I can't communicate with people I care about.
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I feel like I'll never be better I've been feeling pretty positive about life lately. I'm about to graduate with my associates in December. I'm making plans for afterward.
But it is so hard. I am so lonely. I will have good days but often bad ones. I will be sad and not know why. I am stressed about making plans for after graduation and what I am going to do. I don't know what I want to major in at a 4 year school because I don't know what I can see myself doing for the rest of my life.
I self harmed tonight. I hadn't done it for a long time, and I felt like I was getting better. But it feels like this is always going to be my life...I will always be sad and struggling and lonely. How do I find the motivation to keep going if it's always going to be like this?
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I Guess I'm Leaving I don't think I've felt truly happy in nearly three years. I've accepted I'm not going to make it to 20. I've tried getting to help but nothing seems to work. I'm a shit person and I haven't been okay for a long time. I'm tired of pretending that I'm happy and that everything's fine. I'm tired of losing people I get close to, and I'm tired of seeing the disappointment on my parent's faces. I feel even worse for doing this to my family and friends, even though I feel like they don't really know me that well. I don't want them to feel hurt by this, because none of it is their fault. It's not really anyone or anythings fault, it's just that my brain doesn't work properly. I feel like my existence is a waste of resources and at this point is becoming more of a liability to others. In the long run, it would be better for me to die young while people can still have good memories of me. So, I guess by tomorrow I'll be gone.
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I don't feel happy. I don't feel. This is my first time posting something here, I don't even know where to start. Recently my life is just going in one way, one direction : bad. I'm not feeling happy at all, I mean in 24H I'm just happy like for 3/4 minutes and then it's gone idk. I only fell alive when I'm listening to music. I'm hating my routine more and more, I can't understand why I'm going to School and I'm feeling that I'm in the wrong area, I got no plans for the future and even for the present. I wake up early go to school, wait till go home do fuckin homework study then eat and wash my dishes, And I just sleep about 11 Pm. I can't go on like this, I can't support this anymore. I'm starting to cry everyday in bed and it's not normal. And I got friends that would never understand this I don't know what to do, and while I'm writing this I feel like it's no worth it, so I'm just ending up here.
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Is anyone else with me, or am i alone? I reached out to the community after having my worst anxiety attack ever, 4 months ago while driving. I had a couple of reassuring comments that really helped me at the time. I'm sorry for the long post in advance.
I am 24 years old. I have a good job. I have a Bachelors in Accounting and an MBA. I am married with no kids. I was diagnosed with depression at 16 and have taken Zoloft since then. In my teenage, high school years, I never struggled with panic attacks. 4 months ago, while driving to get food something snapped inside of me. My head was throbbing, my heart was pounding and my limbs went numb. My entire body was shaking and I could hardly see. My heart beat so hard and fast I could feel my pulse in my head, and I immediately gripped my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack. I was a few miles from my apartment, so I found a safe place to turn around and drove back home. At the time I didn't realize it was an anxiety attack- I felt like I was dying. After I got home, I started pacing. I thought hard about what was happening and then sat down, googled anxiety and immediately knew that was what was happening. I turned to reddit- where there is a community for everything and found /r/anxiety. What a relief.
Fast forward a couple of months later. I'm feeling particularly good- me and my wife have laid in bed one morning and watched a movie. Time escaped us and eventually it was afternoon. I felt great, we were laughing and having a good time. We finally got up, and she decided to clean around the apartment. I decided to order her favorite Chinese take out to treat her. I got in my truck, and drove a few miles and the familiar anxiety attack hit. The gambit of symptoms- heart pounding, headache, tingling limbs. I pulled over at a Hardee's and called my wife crying. I couldn't make it. I told her to come pick me up, and left my truck in the parking lot. I later called my mother and she brought my truck to me, and calmed me down further at my apartment.
That Monday I went to my physician and explained what was going on. I explained that I was having a fast heart rate, palpitations, and chest pain. I was given an EKG and she said that nothing looked alarming. Even though, however, I constantly have chest pain. I find myself concerned about my heart rate, constantly clutching my chest until my breast hurts. When I'm alone I place my hand on my chest. Its a feedback loop that only brings me more anxiety. My anxiety is much worse in the mornings. I believe its because of feeling "rushed." Its like I'm always in a hurry and have to move so quickly. I shower, straighten up, get dressed, get in my truck, and drive to work. Everyday once I reach my office I have to spend atleast 30 minutes of meditation and breathing, repeatedly giving myself "hey, you're just having a panic attack" affirmations in my head. I used to love to drink black coffee, but now even half a cup spurs my anxiety. I feel physically sick with every attack, and each attack feels brand new. Even though I've experienced the chest pain, hyperventilation, starry vision, shakiness, irritability, sweating and feeling of impending terror a hundred times, I can't seem to simply say its just another anxiety attack.
Does anyone else feel the same way? What were your techniques for getting over it? When these attacks come on I'm afraid for my life. Every morning I feel blessed to be alive, because the previous night I was certain an attack would actually kill me.
| 2
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I just had a dream It was a dream ever so sweet. I rarely dream so it was quite a rare occurrence for me.
My ex and I was set to be married. It felt so real. Everything felt so right. It's like our break up never happened.
I still remember and feel the happiness of seeing her wearing that white wedding dress. Touching her still felt the same, that feeling of warmth on my hand. I could still feel her lips against mine, her kiss ever so sweet. The happiness I felt was immeasurable.
But then it rained. Everybody was suddenly gone, I was left well alone. I woke up with tears streaming down my face.
It's been 5 months since she left but not a day has passed where I stopped thinking about her. Even in a dream, this depression still haunts me. I want this pain to end. I want this suffering to end.
| 4
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I was self-centered and annoying. It makes me cringe into oblivion now. Do you ever remember something you said or did and physically cringe? One of those toe-curling, face-crumpling literal cringes? That's what I feel every time I see my (ex) best friend's name. She's still on my Facebook so that's occasionally. There's no big dramatic story behind that (ex), we just grew apart over time.
After a period of not seeing or talking to each other at all, she messaged me over the summer and we chatted for a while. And I want to fucking kill myself every time I think about how I acted. WHEEEEEEEEW BOY. I went all into how much I dislike being homeschool and how if I could go back in time, I would just go to public school and how shitty my home life is and Jesus Christ, I...it's so bad. *so bad*. It was so self-centered and 'poor pitiful me'. And I just couldn't figure out why she never messaged back to finalize our plan to meet up. Mind you it only took me a couple months to have self-awareness but just YIKES. I'm normally cripplingly socially awkward and I know I was actively trying to talk more when she messaged me but I went too far in the other extreme. She must think I'm literally insane. And I try to tell myself it's not *that* bad, she did cringy shit too (like that time she told me she had a boyfriend, made a profile with her crush's picture, and catfished me as that boyfriend for over 2 months to see how I'd talk about her if she wasn't around...) but that doesn't excuse me.
I'm thinking about saying hi again but it's just so awkward.
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Seriously, fuck people Over the last few months I've lost friends and people I know. Their reasoning is that I am too "sad and depressed at times and too energetic and over the top sometimes." Most of these people know I am bipolar. Anyone else experienced this? I am down to 3 friends and my relationship is starting to strain.
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A light that is going out... Idk how to start but I've have a heart made of ice but with a light that is going out, I'm planning to jump off a building somewhere cause I see no good in these streets, no good in people , all I've seen people lie to me , and it makes me sick, I bought some weed and smoked a wood, and my head cleared up, I thought about stuff, I just want someone to help me, it hurts on the inside, I'm just tearing up thinking about it, if I don't respond or reply within a day, you know what I did , good bye
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stressed i have 2 things important that are due so my moms letting me stay home from school but i cant seem to get out of bed. i feel terrible and i dont want my mom to be upset. she knows about my depression but still puts my grades over my mental health because she wants me to 'break the cycle'.
also this is not very related but i also have ADHD, my medicine is gone so i cant focus on my school work even if i got out of my bed
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i think about it every single night. i've been depressed for as long as i can remember, my entire childhood was terrible. i was severely abused emotionally and physically. the only one who has any idea what i went through is my sister and she died when she was 19, i was only 15 then. i'm 23 now.
i dont talk to people and tell them how i feel, i bottled all my emotions up for years. i absolutely loathe myself. i was told i was useless and ugly growing up and nothing has ever changed how i viewed myself. i suck at relationships because i hate myself so much, i can't fathom why anyone would want to be with me, i'm incredibly ugly. i have no self esteem. i look at other girls bodies and it makes me want to kill myself because i'll never be able to attain that. i tried to start eating really well and exercising, did ok for about 8 months but then i get depressed and wonder if theres even a point.
i finally made an appointment to talk to a therapist after years of never talking to anyone and im scared to do that, i feel like theres no point and this person wont be able to help me. part of me wants to fix all the awful things my mind tells me but the other part realizes i'm always going to be this fucked up and nobody can help me. i think the woman who i'm going to see is just going to think i'm ugly and insane and not worth helping.
i work a shitty part time job and do nothing but sit on my ass and play video games in my spare time. im so fucking useless, i graduated high school and thats as far as i got, i have no life skills. i don't even know what i'd want to do. i just know i wouldn't be good at anything, or i'd be too lazy to keep up with it.
i think about killing myself every single night, the past few months i've fallen asleep to the thought of me slitting my wrists and it's strangely comforting. i know theres something wrong with me. i wish i could just be normal. i just want to be a girl that someone would actually want. i just want to be good at things. i compare myself to every other girl and realize i'm a waste of fucking oxygen.
i don't even know why i'm posting this, i guess it's a cry for help. i don't tell anyone these thoughts. thank you for taking the time to read it if you did, i'm sorry for wasting your time.
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Trigger warning - Fear of becoming/being suicidal - HELP! Ok, for good 4-5 months I have those frightening feelings/thoughts of life being pointless. Those thoughts came suddenly during the last week of July although I was partying a few days ago. THE THOUGHTS ARE TOTALLY UNWANTED! But they make me think that I am actually suicidal and make me doubt because I feel intense dread and hopelessness when they appear randomly. I am so down, my head just feels so sick, everything seems odd since I have been dealing with these thoughts. As I said, they occured suddenly and made me think that suicide would be my destiny what totally freaked me out! But it was not anxiety as I knew it, it was more painful and I instantly felt hopeless when the thoughts occured. Problem is, everything is triggering them now, time, future, music...It feels like I should've died and it is freaking me out! I went to two psychiatrists but no clear diagnosis yet and I really dont know how to recover from this! :( I am just 19 and dealt with DPDR for 6 months when I suddenly became anxious of time, the date, future etc at the same time as the thoughts of s****** occured.
A week before I had them, my fav. singer died by suicide but I never thought about it, not a single time, I did a lot of research on him and his suicide...but dont know.
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Family holidays I’m 36 weeks pregnant. Due December 8th. Family has been treating me like absolute shit. Always has. Wasn’t excited about my pregnancy at all even though my son will be the first great grandchild on my side of the family.
Debating on if once he’s born if I should just cut everyone from my side out of my life. My husband’s family is amazing. Treats me like one of their own and loves me and their son. Just wonderful supportive family.
Am I in the wrong for wanting to cut all the toxic people out of my life and not let those people affect my newborn son’s life?
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Recent thoughts Just posting some stuff about how ive been feeling lately because i want to get it out and idk where else to post it, any input is welcomed but not required :) im newly diagnosed and have been om lamictal for about 100 days, i went up to 75 but it gave me intrusive thoughts and made me feel shitty so i saw a doctor, well a hospital psychiatrist, and i dropped to about 63 mg a day, and ive been doing well. But jot perfect. Like, the thoughts scared me so much that even though i havent really had anymore I'm still almost always obsessing over them and scared ill have more, every time my gf annoys me or something im scared I'll envision myself hitting her. I love her and i want to be with her but its all getting hard for me and its difficult to be with her occasionally just because the thoughts scare me. I know youre not doctors, and i wont do anything without talking to one but if i up my dose, do you think ill be able to stop stressing about it? Thanks and have a peaceful day
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I’m pretty sure the girl I thought was my girlfriend cheated on me today [deleted]
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My life has been going downhill. It happened slowly over the last couple years. In college, I was so driven. I loved what I studied. and even if I procrastinated I always did my work. Lovingly. I took extra classes, was the best of my class, professors loved me, got grad classes and aced them.
There were a few things out of balance. I am gay, but my brother is too. My brother recently came out to my mom and mom was devastated. He was studying in the US and had a boyfriend. And the pressure came on me to go find a girlfriend. I pretended to be straight, but I have been sleeping exclusively with men. And once I moved to the dormitory (my last 3 semesters), I became a sex addict. I was on hookup apps all the time, looking to have sex, and take the gay out of my system before I find a girl and settle down. I also had everything in my life handled by my parents. Never did any taxes, and documents, any applications on my own.
First reality came with my grad school applications. Out of the 10 schools I wanted, all of them rejected me. Out of my 8 security schools, 6 of them rejected me. I was devastated, I was an examplary student, with double the number of credits required to graduate (in 4 years), almost 4.0 GPA. I had almost no outside university experience under my belt, but I had recommendations of 3 ivy league professors. I picked the best of my 2 options, but I was completely devastated. But I picked myself up. I gave myself to my remaining classes, hooking up and working out.
Then I came to the states. I felt like a king in school, since I was the best prepared one. I overloaded myself with courses and I bit more than I could handle. I was sleeping 3 hours a night just to do homework, staying at a shitty dorm room. I tried dating girls, but it didn't work out. I had such a big anxiety over sleeping with girls. I ended up friendzoning my future roommate, and getting a girl who turned out to be a stalker. And I started hooking up again.
Then it all went to shit. My next semester, I hated my life. Did not want to do anything. I couldn't muster the energy to do anything. I fell in a deep depression, and I hated myself for being so weak. I started sleeping around more. I lived 1 hour away from my brother, but I never saw him. My guy roommate would help me out a lot, but I was just so inattentive and out of motivation that I had days where I couldn't leave the house. In one year, I have reduced from such a driven state to a ball of stress.
I couldn't do any housework. Never had to do it before. It overwhelmed me. My friendzoned roommate would flip out since I never cleaned anything unless it got to the point of unuability. I was slacking on bills and had no strength to pay them. My brother had to come to me to get a car.
Hooking up continued. It was my only escape. I put myself in weird sotuations. Sleeping with guys on hour rented hotels, getting faked. I was on hookup apps almost every day. It stole all my attention. I was completely addicted to sex. I had a semi-regular partner. I am very scared of STDs, so I never had sex without protection. I told this partner to not penetrate me without protection. But Iw as being held down, and he did. I panicked but didnt say anything. We didn't finish, also did the same to him, as a pay back. He didn't complain. One time, with another guy, the condom broke but I told him I was tested a month ago (I was). So he trusted me and we continued.
Little did I know that fucker actually gave me HIV. That summer, I got really sick. I was gonna get HPV removed from my rectum when the doctor ordered a test behind my back and it came back positive. I was completely ruined. I was in a school, that I hated. I did not work out anymore so I was feeling very out of shape. I was depressed, and didn't want to do anything. And one of my worst fears have come to claim me. I had to let past aprtners know. I flet responsible. I felt very dirty too. Some responded in some understanding, but most responded in horrible ways. Telling me to fuck off. Telling me if they could be dirty too.
It didn't stop there. My brother, god help him, handled everything. My medication, got me a new apartmant, away from school and closer to him. I was in touch with a professor outside school to work with him on my thesis, which he accepted. A week after my diagnosis I had to go to work. I managed to pick up some of my psyche and gave all to this possibility.
It didn't stopped there. For the first time I had a guy crush. And I came out to myself, due to this and HIV. He didn't accept that though. Then someone from my past reached out to me. I knew he was very into my looks, so I was cautious. I didn't want to have sex ever again. But he was so gentle with me, and I finally trusted him as a friend rather than a hookup. Then he disappeared for a week, to which I found out he was in the hospital for a procedure gone wrong and almost died. I went to take care of him. I felt indebted to. And slowly I wellcomed his gente presence. And he told me he was completely smitten with me the moment I walked into his door. I really liked him too but I didnt see him after my third time because I was still in the closet when we hooked up and I didn't want to get attached to any guy. Our admiration evolved into love. That is the only good part of the last couple years.
It's not all rose petals. He is 23 years older than me. (He looked 30 when we met. The last year he has aged a bit) I am cursing my luck in the world. I find my love, and we have such a generational gap.
I tried working out again, but every time I develope an injury. I had shoulder issues for the past year now, and I can't work out without getting discuraged again. My work discipline is in shambles and I can't finish anything on time. I feel failing on so many fronts, it's overwhelming.
I mentioned I had the surgery. It took my anus 8 months to heal from that. Also, my libido since my diagnosis plummetted. As I am writing this now, it comes and goes, but my penis is mostly dead. Which puts me in a bind because my partner, although 50, has the libido of a teenager. And our lives are pretty stressful now. We have sex once a week. It's not enough for me or for him.
He is working on his own company, and he is brimming with ideas, but his partner, who owns the majority is shutting him down at every oppurtunity. So he is stressed all the time. And now, he doesnt talk with me anymore. He is so exhausted, and being sexually frustrated makes him so distant from me. And he is atticted to social media. We had our anniversary dinner, and he was glued to instagram. It's a vicious cycle that is eroding our relationship, with both of our inabilities eating away from our relationship.
I am riddled with the anxiety of
* Being HIV+ (my recent viral load tests were elevated, so another thing to worry about) (Also was checked positive for TB in a wtf moment, and now have to take antibiotics for 9 months for that; more medications )
* Low testosterone (I had it checked due to libido problems, and not seeing any progress from my previous 2 month workout period. I have the lowest value that is accepted as normal. )
* Depression and inability to work
* My partner being old, and us having to have kids soon (and for that I need to graduate, find a job and come out to my parents)
* Our relationship falling apart, and not being listened to
* Maintaining my house (I recently had roaches and I couldn't go home) (Got many bills to pay and taxes to do and I don't know how to)
* Saving money
* Staying fit, while having injuries every now and then.
* My home country slowly turning into north korea.
Life is getting a bit overwhelming. Just needed to write things down and send it out to the universe. I know my problems are very superficial compared to the majority f mankind. But they bring me down heavily nontheless. Anyone who is going through any shit in their lives; I am an atheist but I'm praying for you. Life should not have been this difficult to live. We should have built a better world with better values. Where no one has their psyche destroyed for who they are, and all the little and insignificant issues don't take away from what we could accomplish. Everything about todays system is fucked up. Economy, social classes, homophobia, consumerism, racism, wars. Everything. If I help myself out of my hell, I will help build the world into a better place, for us.
TL;DR High achiever previously in closet; got burnt out, depressed, semi-raped and given HIV, heart broken, in a draining relationship, can't function at work, anxiety of future.
Also my throwaway account.
| 3
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Update: Tomorrow is the big day Tomorrow I go into work and I find out what they want to do with me and I'm 95% sure it is firing me. To be frank, that's what I'm hoping for because I can't take it anymore. I don't want to rehash what I already posted but every day and night was the same. Severe depression, anxiety, OCD, ADHD, and suicidal ideation. I could function on a basic level. Not bathing for months, not once washing clothes, never throwing out a piece of garbage the entire time I lived in my house. I am back at my parent's house right now and the mental symptoms have lifted a bit but I am still having trouble with the basic functioning.
You know, at this point I'm not even nervous about tomorrow. I just want to get it over with. My psychiatrist of 14 years strongly recommended pursuing disability and said I have a really good chance. So that is the plan.
I will be with my parents until I become stable which could take years who knows?
What am I feeling at the moment? Numb from probably getting fired from the best job I've ever had because my mental illnesses have become very severe. Kind of down because everyone else is out having their jobs and pursuing their dreams and I will be disabled living with my parents for the foreseeable future. There is a part of me though that is relieved. In my parent's home with them and my siblings and being in town with all of my doctors makes me feel safe and comfortable.
I'll let you know what happens tomorrow.
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Had a talk with my bf this morning about something that hurt my feelings and I cried and I haven't been able to calm down all day worrying that he will leave me and it's so stupid please help me calm down 😅 I'm at work and it's his day off and I know he's playing LoL so he can't reply right away. And he's given me no reason to think that anything is wrong. And in his past relationships he's never even been the one to do the leaving. But I'm so used to people deciding I'm not worth it. Multiple therapists have told me I have a fear of abandonment. My brain is trying to talk sense but I'm still so anxious. Please help.
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What have your group therapy experiences been like? I've been absolutely loving it, but I did something extremely stupid in session this Monday and i can't stop thinking about it. I think I offended one of the guys in the group by asking an insensitive question, and he's been in the group for much longer than I have. I feel bad because 1) I don't want to have made trouble for any group members and 2) I don't know what to do next week. My plan as of now is just to act normal and like nothing happened, because I feel like an apology would make it worse. I'm seriously considering quitting the group over this, but I know that I probably shouldn't, from both a treatment perspective and just because I generally don't want to start a habit of running away from my problems.
So I'm generally curious: if you've tried group therapy, how has it been for you?
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IBS and Anxiety- anyone else suffer from IBS? So upfront: I am a parent of a teenager with GAD. Ever since she was quite young, she would get terrible stomach pains from time to time. Seen many docs that found no cause. It wasn't until she got a formal diagnosis for GAD last year that we made the connection that these pains are triggered by the anxiety.
This morning she woke with a bad episode of these stomach pains and stayed home from school. She is still miserable this evening. I did some online searching and found that IBS is often associated with anxiety disorders. Everything that I read about IBS sounds like what she is experiencing. Of course, I plan on speaking with a medical professional to find out for sure this is what she might have. But in the meantime, I wanted to find out what other's have experienced- if maybe you go through anything similar? Maybe give use some helpful tips on how to manage the symptoms? We are currently trying the BRAT diet to see if that helps. Looking into the FODMAP diet.
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College is killing me I'm in my first semester of my freshman year at an academically rigorous university. I'm drowning in it. I've pretty much known I've been depressed since I was 13-14 but I've never spoken to a professional about it. High school accepted my unmotivated tendencies and I was able to coast by on late assignments and lack of studying through whatever natural intelligence I have.
I didn't think It would be the same in college, but of course, I didn't think much of it and it's kicking my ass. Late assignments aren't accepted. When I don't study, I'll fail. Attending class is so much harder when no one is forcing me to be there. Getting out of bed is nearly impossible. I didn't hand in an assignment worth 5% of my grade in a class and now I have a C+ instead of a B. I feel completely unmotivated and confused about what's going to come out of my life, what degree I'm going to get, and how my classes matter to any of it, so I don't try in my classes. It's not really a new feeling for me, I just finally have consequences for it.
I'm not failing anything, I'm not going to be kicked out, but I can't be getting C+'s in my classes. My depression has gotten so much worse here. I should probably go to my school's mental health services, but I can't even motivate myself to do that. Thanks for reading this, it's helped to type it all out. At least I'm not crying anymore.
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I have no family and the holidays are horrible Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I guess that's why I'm posting. I'm not connected to my abusive biological dad or his family. I hate my mom and her whole side of the family. And I have no connection whatsoever to my step-dad, and I've only met his family once - as a child.
Now the holidays are officially here. I'm beyond jealous of everyone who's off to see extended friends and family today. Everyone who's making a nice big meal or excited to spend the holidays with people they care about. I wish I had that more than anything.
Hopefully one day I'll have a nice big family of my own and won't have to worry about this.
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what is wrong with me never finished education, constant anxiety, feeling that everything i do is "wrong", annoying adhd messing with my life (so please excuse these random changes of topic), no empathy, just faking it, just to make others feel better, it's maybe the only thing i'm flawlessly good at.
the main reason i posted this is, i don't feel like i'm real, something so broken should not exist, i know there are people in way worse situations, but i just can't cope with my own existance.
a family member died two months ago, my parents were crying, i felt absolutely nothing, i don't think i even want to attend their funeral, i don't see the point, just to get sad over the thought of what was? Maybe that will change at one point, at the moment, i don't feel anything.
i'm quite emotionally unstable, i would say so myself, i was locked in a sad excuse of a psychiatry at a young age and was forced to live there for almost a year (before being locked in there again for a few weeks but being released due to my mental state declining quickly.),
i have random emotional downtimes, every little thing people say can make me sad, but same goes for my happines too.
i dont have many friends, i enjoy the ones i like a lot, i don't usually keep friends except if they really want to stay in contact, which not many do.
but hey, at least i'm good at some things.
i guess all of us have a happy place.
this is mine.
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Anxiety with new housemate over sharing after a day. I'd love some advice.
So first a bit of history I guess. Since renting I've only ever lived with people I know. Even with this I've had very slight social anxiety over the years. Not wanting to enter common spaces that others are in, not wanting to cook when others are there. It's definitely been better over time. I also had two really good housemates who I'm really good friends with. I'm also relatively introverted. I don't like to see people very much.
So one housemate moved out, and we struggled to find someone but ended up with someone who seemed relatively normal and had similar interests. But honestly the pickings weren't great.
Ok, so it's only been one night since she's moved in. But I'm really really struggling. I was fine to begin with. I was friendly to new housemate when I was grabbing a cup of tea. Turns out she is 110% an over sharer. While making my tea we had a very quick conversation which went from "I missed an engagement party, and my friends are pissed" to suddenly telling me "my partner died 3 days ago".
I do not know how to deal with this. I'm so awkward as is. I kinda said "oh that's awful,". And made my conversation exit asap. But now I'm stuck in my room with the worst anxiety and don't want to go back out there. Unfortunately the kitchen is connected to the lounge room. And she's been sitting watching TV out there all day. I tend to keep my snack food in my room. So I've just been living off snack food today but obviously this can't go on.
I'd love some advice.
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I'm doing that hypomanic thing... ... where I am saying things really bluntly to everyone and then having to go back and try to say the right thing then trying again because the second time was also a failure. Luckily, I am mostly just teetering on hypomania and maybe I'll wake up quieter tomorrow. Until then, HI REDDIT! :D
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I feel like a phony. (Long and ranty sorry) I’m 20 going on 21 soon and for the past few years I’ve felt so negative and maybe even depressed (never got actually diagnosed so I don’t want to self-diagnose myself as such). I was overweight and self-conscious and, though I’ve had happy times, never felt truly happy or content. A little more than a year ago i decided to change myself for the better and get in shape and become the positive, happy person I’ve always wanted myself to be. I started working out and honestly, physically I’ve made a lot progress losing ~50-60lbs (peak weight was ~185lbs but got down to 125lbs, now sitting ~130lbs at 5’2”). Even with all that change whether I got as strong as I wanted I decided I wasn’t satisifed and decided to get lean. Then when I got lean I wasn’t as strong as I wanted. I was (and still am) pingponging back and forth between the two. This ties in with wanting to get over my self-consciousness and never being satisfied with myself. As a person, I always try to show myself as a positive and happy person and I think many people really do see me as such. However inside I know how untrue that really is and it’s something I hate myself and beat myself up over. I lie to myself and everyone else in hopes to trick myself into thinking it’s true even though I know it isn’t. I’m self-destructive and self-loathing and I honestly have no idea how to fix it. I have talked to friends about it but I feel I stop myself just short of really letting everything out in fear of scaring them away. It’s not even that I think my friends actually would turn me away after doing so, but I always have that fear of it actually happening and I can’t help it (kind of the reason why I’m posting here for the anonymity and whatnot). I don’t anyone to see how messed up I am because I don’t want to ruin my image to them because I know from my progress I’ve inspired people and that makes me feel worse knowing it’s all a lie.
I think I’m going to end it there even though I feel like I have a lot more to say because it’s really becoming stream of consciousnessy and I don’t want to go on forever and I apologize.
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Just diagnosed with ADHD on top of my Bipolar Disorder, can anyone relate? I've been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder type 1 since 2013, but only diagnosed as having ADHD about a month ago. Anyone else here have this combination? How does it affect you? I feel like a new person now that I'm being treated for both. Have you run into any big problems because of it? I could go on but I'll just wait and see if anyone who can relate sees this. I just want to commiserate a bit.
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To outsiders, it looks like I have it together, but I think I've developed depression, does it sound like it? I'm a 25 year old college educated female, and I think I'm suffering from depression. I've always been relatively sensitive, but I feel like internally my base emotion has become melancholy. Things I used to get excited and happy about, I now feel "less sad" about.
I've always struggled with seasonal depression, but I'm able to recognize that, plan, and maintain my symptoms. It definitely takes work, but after identifying that, I've figured out some ways to cope - like forcing myself outside even if it's cold out, making sure I get up earlier to get as much light as possible, etc. However, being that it's October and I'm feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness, I'm getting concerned.
A series of events have led me to this point, and that's what kind of bothers me the most - if I could only FIX these things, I surely wouldn't feel so depressed. Emotional, sensitive? Yes. That's just part of who I am. But this isn't my normal sensitive self, this is a feeling of hopelessness.
My adult life has been mostly disappointing so far and not where I want it to be, but I'm not sure what to do. There is no road map helping me. I've always had a lot of friends, and maintained good relationships with people. I was an over achiever in school, and excelled in most of my classes both in high school and college.
In 2011, I formed a friendship with a girl who became the best friend I never knew was missing in my life. We shared everything, while I had lots of friends before, this relationship was the ideal movie like friendship. It inspired me, it sparked me, and I loved it. Long story short, I proceeded to introduce her to to a guy, who ended up being her husband. Upon their introduction, she was entirely focused on their relationship and had little to no time for friendships. I was put on the back burner, wondering where I went wrong, wondering if I should have introduced them to begin with. I was happy for her, but I wanted to be part of her life and felt like she didn't need me anymore. We went from communicating daily to Facebook Happy Birthdays or a throwback photo being reposted a few times a year.
From here, I started immersing myself in my favorite band, hoping to replicate the friendship. It was a bit unhealthy in itself, but I felt like it connected me with a lot of new people, and my social and personal life started to revolve around it. I would obsess and plan out going to concerts all around my region. I looked forward to road trips, I'd focus on the band's social media. Then the band broke up, and the friends I had made through it started to dwindle and spread in different directions.
Lastly, and perhaps the biggest blow, I met who I thought was the love of my life on a family vacation a few years ago. He was literally everything I wanted in a guy, possessed qualities that are hard to come by. The catch was, since we met on vacation, we had to maintain a long distance relationship in itself. I was happy. Again, like the band, it probably wasn't the most healthy situation, but it made me happy. After about two years of dating and traveling back and forth, he broke up with me and I never heard from him again. Completely gone, erased. There was a consequence to dating someone so far away that I hadn't anticipated, which was that unlike dating someone local, there was no chance of running into him, no chance of rekindling, and no reason for me to ever cross paths with him again. Previous people I dated in high school, I may have not been happy about breaking up with, but there were always mutual connections and run ins. Some might consider it a blessing, but for me it was a hard pill to swallow that the person I spent the last two years talking to everyday, and looked forward to seeing just poofed.
So after the breakup, which was two years ago itself now, I started immersing myself in my work, because surely that couldn't fail me. I really started to focus in, upped my game...and I haven't even gotten a raise. There have been some small milestones, but nothing that really gives me the true feeling of achievement or sigh of relief. The dream job I want isn't "available" and won't be for the foreseeable future, and in the meantime I'm making less than 25k as a hustling freelancer. I thought for sure, immersing myself in my work would get me out of freelance, but nope, it's an indefinite "your time will come, just hang in there" (yes, there is a specific position opening I'd love, but probably not until 2019)
Most recently, I started talking to a new guy, who I really was digging. For the first time, I wasn't so focused on what went wrong with my ex and saw new potential. Well, as it turns out, the new guy isn't so great, and is more interested in playing games and casual sex (thankfully I have not gone alone with this) so this just triggered further upset for me.
I've hung out with new people, I've done dating app thing, I've tried expanded my social circle, made new friends. I exercise, I walk, I immerse myself in my work, and I've kept my eyes open for new opportunities. Despite all this, nothing seems to fill the internal void. I'm an attractive young woman, I would even say people admire me and think I'm very well put together. To the outside world, it looks like the world is my oyster.
Inside, I just feel stuck. I feel that my base emotion is depression, and somedays I feel less depressed.
Am I alone in this? At what point is this no longer normal 20 something emotions?
TLDR: I'm a 25 year old girl, and it looks like I have it all figured out but I'm living in an almost constant state of sadness. A few things have disappointed me over the past few years of my early adulthood, and I'm just kind of worn down. Am I alone in this feeling, or is this a normal 20 something year old phase?
| 4
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deeply conflicted I don't know exactly how to put into words what's going on, but hopefully suffering from the same disorder I have, you'll be able to make sense of it.
About a month ago I went into a deep depressive state and completely isolated myself from everyone. Of course this isn't anything new. Each time I do it though, the time period becomes longer and longer. I've been away for the entire time and I want to go back to my normal life. There's only one problem: fear. Fear so deep that every time I think about returning, I feel sick to my stomach.
Fear that they won't accept me or understand what's going on, fear that they won't see me the same way they did, fear that they've changed during the time I was gone, the list goes on. Luckily I have a group of friends that has (for the most part) tolerated this behavior of mine for months, but it's clearly beginning to get old to them. If any of you have gone through a similar situation, what's your advice on how I can resolve this?
If you've read this far then thank you for taking the time to hear me out. I sincerely appreciate it.
| 2
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I really need support right now. *edited because I was having trouble posting my post so I posted just a few words, then pasted the rest of my post. And added a few sentences to clarify time frame.
These past few months have really been so difficult. Depression never leaves.
I am going to try to keep this short and sweet.
I'm 24/F.
16 diagnosed with depression. Put me on ADHD med/ antidepressant instantly.
Manic psychotic episode then suicide attempt at 17. Almost died. ICU for 1 week. Hospitilized for 2. Diagnosed bipolar.
Dropped out of highschool halfway through senior year.
Didn't take meds properly. Had a cocaine habit and used Xanax. Did a bunch of horrible things to myself. Made choices that I never forget.Was in so much extreme pain. Would cut myself and had multiple suicide attempts. Cleaned up my life and did a lot of healing at 19. I was finally feeling like the dog days were over.
Then I got in a very unhealthy traumatic relationship with a manipulative, sadistic sociopath. We moved from our hometown 12 hours away. We lived there for a year together. I was very isolated and he was abusive psychologically, physically and emotionally. I left him. He moved away. I did some healing. Still recovering.
TODAY:
I have a solid place, a new strong supportive healthy relationship, a kitty and a good job. But I've been extremely depressed the past couple months. Its been so hard. I don't want to go out and do the things I used to do. My partner encourages me to have my own life and in some extent I do, but for example he's out with friends tonight and I could be too but honestly I don't want to go out and see anyone . It feels like so much effort and I'm tired of it. I've been low key depressed for months now.
August was horrible. I had a month off of work which i was glad about because I was already so depressed. but instead of getting my life together and enjoying summer I stayed at home miserable. I had a month off work which I was grateful for because I was already so depressed. September started and for Two weeks I felt amazing again. I thought I was fixed. I felt amazing at my job. Maybe I was hypmanic. Then two weeks into September I had a meltdown. I was sobbing so hard feeling suicidal and so depressed. Just utterly embarrassed and ashamed at myself. I hadn't felt that horrible in a long time. I thought a lot about cutting myself again and killing myself. I really really wanted to die. The day ended with me ordering a pizza and my boyfriend came home. He played the Muppets Christmas Musical for me because I wanted a comforting Christmas movie lol and I passed out. I woke up almost feeling hungover, like emotionally exhausted. It was like all the depression added up the night before.
These past couple months I've gained a bunch of weight and my clothes don't fit me. It feels like so much just to go to work 24 hours a week. I feel like I'm bad at my job and someone else could do it better and that I don't deserve it. I want to fix my life but I spend so much time thinking of ways and attempting but not going anywhere. I'm really trying to stay positive and do my best. But underlying at all times is this sadness. I'm just not excited anymore. I had a moment of joy the other day but then cried because i hadnt felt like thay in so long.I feel ugly, lazy, and stupid. I'm 24 and my friends are all beautiful cute young working towards their dreams in some way. Dressing cute, being their best selves. Hanging out with girlfriends and traveling, working towards there goals in school. I tried two classes in collrge and my depression and insomnia got in the way so bad I failed on class. Im really scared to go back. Half my closet is from years ago and I feel like I am a frumpy mom. I'm just working 20 hours a week and I feel like for months I've been trying to fix my life and not go anywhere. I feel stuck. like I'm wasting my life. I am not going to visit for thanksgiving because honestly I'm embarrassed for my family and friends to see me this way. I feel so ugly and my stress and pain shows on my face and lack of beauty. I hate looking at a mirror. I don't want to do any of the things I used to do like go to shows or hike in the woods. I want to workout but I'm too broke to afford a trainer and I haven't found the energy to get up and do it. Some days I will....only some days.
I used to have a flip phone and ignore social media and not watch tv and now I'm on it all the time.
I've been so depressed that I'm finally considering maybe trying medication. I was super against psych meds. But its to the point I'm considering it... but I'm fucking scared. Medication trial and error was hell for me. I had awful side effects. and I was doing okay for a while not on meds. And I just really don't want to. but recently, thanks from help from this Reddit, My best friends, and people on Instagram who share about their experiences with bipolar...I have started to acknowledge and own my diagnosis again. My abusive ex used to ell me "your not crazy your not bipolar don't believe anyone who tells u that" and throughout the relationship I came to believe it. But now I've been trying to talk about it and recognize it. This subreddit has really helped me you guys. Reading people's testimonials and thinking, "oh wow I have gone through that" when I had no idea certain behaviors came along with bipolar...it has made me feel so much better and not alone.
I'm starting to cry while I type this. My close friends and boyfriend try to understand. But ultimately, I feel like noone understands how this feels. Not even myself. I hate having bipolar disorder. Then I feel like a pathetic self pitying loser to blame my problems on bipolar disorder. Am I just a shitty person?
I feel like I was hypomanic yesterday. I had shitty sleep then felt amazing yesterday all day and then recklessly spent money and didn't do anything I was supposed to do and felt wonderful. I woke up feeling shitty again.
I'm so tired of being depressed like this. I don't know what to do to stop this. I feel trapped and like I'm missing out on my 20s and my life.
| 1
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Didn't get anything for Christmas but being told I'm shit. I work pretty hard and I've gotten my daughter dolls, tablets, game systems for Christmas; and I've gotten my wife what she asked for as well. All I wanted was one day where I could relax, smoke a doob, and play some For Honor for a bit; instead I get a massive argument where I told I'm a shitty dad, partner, and person. I was told that I'm emotionally abusive and situationally manipulative. If I am I don't mean to be, I honestly do everything I can for my family, but who knows; a road paved with good intentions is a quick slide to hell. I didn't even want anything, just one relaxing day before I have to get up at 3am for work tomorrow, but nope. Fuck me then. I hope the rest of you are having a lovely holiday. Cheers.
| 3
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i want to die and im just bored with existence i am
just bored of going through thr motions. every fucking day i wake up sad or anxious (or both) and i have a shit ass day. i hate feeling this way. i hate being depressed all the time. im so bored of being bullied and abused and harassed that ive started to fantasize of my predators (idk what other word to use besides predator) deaths. i think about how i would kill myself sometimes to. i i just think about how death would feel. im
not on meds anymore since 1 week ago when i started refusing them and went through horrible withdrawals. my tourettes is bad now since i have no stabilizer or medicine to stabilize (sorry if that doesn't make sense) my tics. they're getting painful. my depression is more physically painful though. i miss my ex boyfriend and i miss my friends. i dont know why every fycking person leaves me. it hurts so badly. i am so fuckimg sad i hate living this painful way of life. so does anyone want to talk? could somebody pm me for my number. also if you have any experience with dissociative disorder solutions please tell me i am currently dissociating and not stable
| 4
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Traveling Advice Hello!
I'll be traveling from Florida to Maine to visit my in-laws (and play in snow!) in less than 24 hours.
Severe season/weather changes in general tend to trigger a cycle... but I've been feeling the tides of change (a mix of dysphoric mild/moderate mania and hallucinations/delusions) already for about a two weeks.
I was able to get in and see my pdoc and she increased my Rexulti.
Other than another med tweak is there anything else you guys suggest in order to not become completely unhinged? Anyone else triggered by travel and/or the seasons?
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I think im going to kill myself within the next couple of weeks sorry for jumping back and forth
My life sucks, im 15 year old guy and im so sad. Eveytime i go to bed i feel shitty and i feel like nobody likes me. I dont go outside because i dont wanna talk to anyone. I got a diagnosis of social anxiety a couple months ago and i go to psychologists every week, i might talk to them about this but whats the point. I never tell anyone about my mental health because i dont want to be thought of as a attention-seeker. Im hypersensetive and i overthink every social interaction i have.
I literally dont do anything but do homework and play games all day and i fucking hate myself. I have gained weight and my face has gotten fuckton of acne. I have a couple friends, but i find it hard to trust them, except for one. Almost everything i used to do and love feels boring and like a waste of time.
Every morning i wake up one of the first things that comes to mind is: whats the point? and why do i even try when nobody likes me and they talk shit about me behind my back. These last couple of months has been shit. I beat up one of my best friends because i got angry, im agressive and jumpy at my teachers. Im always at the verge of tears, because suddenly i begin to think about all my failures and how much of a shitty person ihave been. Im gay, i had a boyfriend last year. He was nice, but he dumped me because i got very emotional one day, its a long story. But i feel unclean, i always feel unclean, and i cant get it to stop. I miss him but at the same time it feels so wrong. Everytime i feel aroused i feel so bad, and it makes me wanna jump of a bridge.
i thought about it a long time, and i think its time to end all this pain and self-loathing by killing myself. Fuck this is dumb, its 4 in the morning and i havent fallen asleep yet. i just felt like talking to someone or something sorry for this mess
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Depressed and Suicidal I don't know what to say.
I just feel empty inside and I don't want to try anymore.
I feel like no one can relate to me and I'm too sensitive for life, and that I haven't gotten much better with time. I don't have any family or any close friends. I'm pretty isolated. I feel bad for my boyfriend because I feel like he deserves better than me. He doesn't have depression and hasn't had to deal with it so it makes me feel alone. I broke down a few days ago and told him I want to kill myself. We've been together for 2 years and I never admitted that I have suicidal thoughts.
I always bring up that I wish I had killed myself before I met him. I felt like it was a good time to do it because I wouldn't have to hurt anyone, and I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. I planned on driving my car extremely fast into a wall.
I don't have any family, my parents got divorced when I was 20 and they both just absolutely fucked me over. My mom opened up multiple credit cards in my name and used them for her own gains, and didn't make me a priority and thought that me going to college would be a mistake because I flunked out of high school. She didn't think about the fact that we moved every year and I went to 4 or 5 different high schools, which made it extremely difficult for me, and that when I went to college I had a pretty solid 3.8 GPA because I stayed at the one college. She straight up told me to my face that she didn't think I had a future and signed me up for low income housing because she had no faith in me. She never saw my potential so I guess that's why I don't see it either.
My dad is no different. Selfish. Gambling addiction. Got pissy at me for waking him up to drive me to college when my mom told him to do so back in the day when I was still going to school. I tried to reconnect with him a year or so ago and he abandoned me in another state because I didn't feel like gambling with him at all. He got angry and just left me there on the casino floor, shouting that I had enough money to get home on a bus and to fuck off. Made me feel valued right there pops.
I just feel so detached. I have extreme abandonment issues to the point where I actively try to have people at an arms length because I am so use to losing people. I don't have faith that anyone will stick around. Even my boyfriend who has been here for 2 years now I don't believe he will stay with me, because why would he? I don't find myself to be that amazing. I don't see anything positive about myself that someone else couldn't do better. I don't see my worth, because I was never shown that I was worth it. I don't see why anyone would give me the time of day, much less give an actual shit about me.
I feel like sometimes I am just so depressed that I don't believe anyone would want to associate with me. I'm so envious of my boyfriend because he doesn't have the spiraling depressive thoughts that I have and I hate myself so much. I hate everything about me. I wanted to be more but now I'm just a fuck up who will never amount to anything and should have died 2 years ago.
I keep having the thought that it was a mistake to not ram my car into the concrete walls on the freeway. I keep thinking that it was a mistake because I hate my life and I hate myself and I want to die. I feel so bad for even trying to make anyone feel like I was ever worth knowing... I feel like garbage.
| 3
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What to eat when you're not hungry I recently talked to someone who had no appetite due to lamictal, but I can't find the thread. I want to tell that person that "Huel" brand mix contains everything you need (carbs, protein, fat). I haven't tried it, and it's probably not perfect, but it's better than not eating and wasting away. Also way easier than my original suggestion, which was to combine any protein powder with a fat source (full fat yogurt, avocado, flax seed oil, peanut butter, etc). I think soylent is a similar concept but I haven't tried that either.
Are you there, person? I hope you see this. And take a vitamin!
If anyone wants to comment with what they eat when they aren't hungry but need the fuel that would be great. It happens to me a lot when I'm "up" too. I just make a huge smoothie and sip on it for a few hours.
| 1
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Self esteem and relationship anxiety Well this is my first post on this account (sorry in advance for mobile formatting). Anyway, I've been with this lovely girl for 3 months now and I've never gotten this far in a relationship before. I find myself preparing how I look for long periods of time before meeting with her and even sucking my stomach in while I'm with her. Now she wants to have sex. I'm COMPLETELY inexperienced in this field and don't even take off my shirt when I'm at a swimming pool. I've struggled with anxiety related to cleanliness and social situations, but never anxiety like this. How do I go about being prepared for a sexual situation and not breaking down?
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Afraid to sleep I'm not sure if this is the right place to post but I need to at least get it off my chest anyway. I have vivid nightmares practically every night. I'm so tired, I just want to rest but I can't. They feel so real, everything about them is just distressing. I can't escape them, I feel like I'm going crazy.
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“Happiness is a choice. If you choose to think negatively all the time, you won’t ever be happy.” And this is why I’m never telling anyone that I’m depressed when someone asks me what’s wrong. One of my best friends told me this over the phone and I just wanted to hang up. I don’t choose to feel this way, I just do...but so many people will never understand.
Edit: I just want to thank everyone who commented. It’s nice to know that there are people out there who understand where I’m coming from.
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I'm in another pit and it's my deepest one yet. I don't know what to do. [deleted]
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Damn I'm 31. Can I live? I like men and sex. [deleted]
| 3
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How to be optimistic when you're life is definitively going to get worse [deleted]
| 4
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I'm here. Finally going to own a house. Why am I still so miserable? I have the hotline on speed dial. I love my fiance.
I feel so selfish, but I don't know what to do.
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Screw Is this what it feels like to give up? Screw it all, I plan on dying soon anyways. But I want help and maybe a future. Screw the future I might as well relive the past and start the downward spiral of drugs and self hate. There's no cure, so why even try? They say it gets better but that's just an illusion to the eyes. At least it is for me. Hanging six feet up then being buried six feet down seems the most realistic future to me.
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What do you guys do when you are truly alone with your depression? My case is complicated because I live in a country and work environment where therapy is not a valid option. I cannot communicate my depression to others well, and even if I could most people I’d come close to trusting are too far to meet. Plus I am quite busy with work objectives so I don’t have much time or chance to alleviate stress. Basically, even if I wanted to turn to someone, I wouldn’t know how or where to start.
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I'm really kinda done now. I have never felt this oddly calm when contemplating suicide before. It's always been a very emotionally turbulent thing. I don't know whether I'm just desensitised to it or if it's because it's become a logical option now instead of one connected to emotions like it was before. I have been like this before, with other things. This is how I felt when I first started self harming, for example, and I don't know if I should be worried about that, but either way I'm not. Everything just seems to be building up and all my energy goes into looking after other people, and right now I'm just too drained to care, I guess. I'm taking these notes in a very casual manner and if this goes away I suppose that will scare me into asking for help again, even if it did absolutely nothing last time. Anywho, I'm rambling. Just wanted to get this off my chest.
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My parents physically and emotionally abuse me. I have no where to go for Christmas and summer breaks. [deleted]
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My parents make me feel like shit Okay so since I can remember, I used to get "disciplined" over the smallest shit. When I was 4 i accidently broke a picture frame and i got hit in the head a few times by my dad pretty fucking hard. I was always getting yelled at and talked to and hit and it made me scared pretty much my entire childhood. The whole time i went to school i never talked to ANYBODY. I was just there literally.. I was too worried and afraid that other people were going to make me feel bad or hurt me like I was at home.
When I was hitting puberty I started just getting aggressive and rebellious and i skipped school one day and my dad "visited" and beat my ass for atleast 5 minutes. Like i was on the ground and he was slamming my head there hitting me in the ribs. A whole thing happened when my dad told the principal that he "kicked my ass". Then the next day I get called into the office and they take pictures of me etcetc and ask if i want to press charges.
Anyways I'm older now and in my 20's and haven't really done much. I have way too much anxiety and depression, to really function. I just don't feel like working or going to school is worth it for me because i don't trust anybody and am easily stressed so I kind of just sleep a lot and spend my days hating life. I am too focused on defending myself to focus on the tasks at hand.
I used to get really drunk and send my dad fucked up text messeges telling him how if it wasn't for him being a retarded child abuser that i'd be a lot farther in life, and telling him how i fucking wish he would kill himself etc etc. My mom is a belittler aswell always judging me acting like i should be happy or a somebody by now, but they don't realize anything.. They are first generation Europeons and I guess they grew up really stressed out and don't know anything else.. So attacking their children for their issues is how they coped Idk wtf is going on in their minds.
Anyways I saw my dad today and he looked really depressed because im sure my mom calls and tells him all the fucked up shit i say, he's in his 60's now, and always has been very high strung, surprised he hasn't had a heart attack tbh.
Anyways I guess the point of this thread is that I feel bad for all the fucked up shit I have said in the past recent years to them, even though I am 100% right. I tell them how I am jealous when I visit friends who have families and how the child is so normal with a personality and isn't intimidated or fearing anything etcetc and how I am just some angry, violent, anxious, paranoid individual because of my upbringing living with them.
Idk i feel like shit for hurting them, but my life feels fucked too. I don't go out or do anything anymore because i'm afraid I'll just end up in jail like i used to when i was a teen, my criminal record is pretty flawless now, only 2 stupid misdeoemnors show up from 8 years ago, but now i'm just an insecure hermit who's afraid to do anything.
I've never had a platonic relationship EVER in my life, im being 100% serious, never spoke how i felt about anything in fear of critisism and whatnot and am very fast to get defensive over stupid shit, so i'm not very functional, just too emotional, paranoid, anxiety ridden with high stress levels.
What the hell to do now? lol
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I don't see the point It's really hard to make it. It's easy to just end it and then there's nothing to stress about.
So why not?
I am not sad or mad or manic or anything right now. I am chilling, I just don't have a reason not to end it
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Is It Depression? Or Just Reality? So I’m 21 this week, and I’ve got zero interest in most of my past interests. I used to have an interest in computers but I started losing interest after 2013. I’m financially independent and have zero contact with any of my family except for my mother who keeps to herself and no contact with friends except for my ex who keeps to her cat. I’ve had no social contact with anyone except for these two in the past 8 months.
I’m bored of traveling, and simply don’t want to do any extensive traveling. And I hate computers, flying, driving, politics, gaming, shopping. I normally stay in doors and just smoke, chill, sometimes do some admin work. I don’t need to work but I’m a company founder; my last companies failed, so the original staff of my original and only remaining company have in the past year+ done nothing due to a whole range of stuff, from mental illness to overdoses and death. I’ve dealt with an increase of wealth since my last major project failed however that’s been unhinged by the amount (7) of accidental and young deaths (25-55) in the past year.
I have PTSD on top of it. I realized after my major project failed that I was misanthropic and I realized that I never wanted to be intimate or close with anyone after my only family member outside of my mother betrayed me seriously and all of my business partners stole from me. I don’t believe in romantic love or life friendship. I have no idea what to do. Life feels short, death deeply saddens me, and every year my birthday reminds me that everyone I love and myself is one year closer to death.
Am I depressed or just living in the real world.
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DAE have a grace period right when they wake up in the morning? Sometimes, right after I’ve just waken up, I sometimes feel pretty good for a few minutes. It’s like a little grace period when my depression hasn’t hit me yet... I was just wondering if anyone else has ever had that
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I don't know what to do anymore. I don't really know where to start, but I absolutely hate myself. I don't know if I'm suicidal. I always make jokes of committing suicide, I hate myself, and I hate everyone in my fucking school. I hate these fake kids that always look for attention and force themselves to cry for no reason. Those kids who always try to make it about themselves, disregarding everyone around them. I hate the people who always say they care, but once you're not around them, they don't give a flying fuck about you. Everytime, it's up to me. I have to be the one who encourages people. I have to be the one who's problems always get made fun of; like I'm not a human being. Like I'm just a sandbag that you can keep punching until all their problems feel gone. I hate my dad, as much as I love him. I have been very very upset for years, and just can't seem to let things go. (I'm not going to say I'm depressed, since it is very overused and I haven't been diagnosed with depression from a doctor, which leads me to my next problem) I hate concluding that I am suicidal and sad, and that I want to seek for some help, without people, especially my dad, saying that I'm only saying this for attention, because I'm still a teen, who is in puberty, and that I don't mean all of this. I absolutely fucking hate being nice to everyone that I can, just to have them turn their backs on me, not care about me, or disregard me as a human being..
I can't do this anymore and I don't want to. I'm trying to keep this as short as possible, but I can't.. I always make fun of MY problems and what I'M going through, to make people laugh. I've always been this person as a kid. Reducing myself to almost nothing, just to bring people some kind of laughter. Trying not to be needy, denying myself of anything, as simple as a cup of water, to not seem needy. Yet all I get from people, are "Hey can you do ___ for me?". AND I FUCKING DO IT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I CAN'T JUST FUCKING SAY NO. Maybe it's in my nature, maybe I'm just feel inferior. But I can't stand the idiocy of some people that I'm surrounded by.
I have a friend. As much as I care about him, he is a wonderful summary of most of the people I am surrounded by. He never blames himself. He calls me his bestfriend, and his only true friend, which is very flattering, but when his step-mom, who is openly racist towards Asians (I'm Asian.), refuses to let him do anything affiliated with me, he blames her, instead of standing up for himself and me, his so called true friend. He always complains that his grades are terrible, causing him to get grounded and get his electronics taken away, yet he doesn't ever study and doesn't do any of his homework. He blames it on his father, and does nothing about it. Back to the point that his stepmother is racist: I cannot do anything with him. ANYTHING. I cannot work on a group project with him afterschool. It's THAT bad. When he missed his ride home and had to wait for 3~ hours, I offered him to come to my house, which is very close to the school, around a 10 minute walk. And of course, his stepmom says no, saying that it is too complicated.
I can't take this anymore and I don't want to. This whole post right here is still not enough for me to express my feelings. Everyone that says that they care always seem to let me down, when I try and go to every length possible to not let anyone down and always be there. Maybe it's my past, maybe I'm just a salty 15 year old who tries to be edgy and is just going through puberty. Either ways.. thanks for reading.
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How is diet, magnesium, and vitamins deficiency not talked about enough when it comes to managing anxiety? I know this is long and I don't know if a lot of people will read this but I really just want to help. I had 2 panic attacks over the end of February and first day of March. I went to the doctor and had my blood work done, ekg, everything and they said I'm perfectly healthy. I workout 6 times a week. I had nothing to panic about! After that day, I started developing Harm OCD/intrusive thoughts about the recent news events that's been going on. It made me miserable, hopeless, and sometimes I would feel like "what's the point?" I wasn't depressed but I felt derealization. And then I went on to do CBT on my own (there are instructions online how to do CBT), went to a therapist, and I realized I felt better but I would still get anxiety attacks. My anxiety kept jumping off to something else after solving one problem. So I kept searching for a cure which led me to learn more about diet, magnesium, and vitamins.
MAGNESIUM - 70% of Americans are Magnesium deficient and I deprived myself even more when I was trying to lose weight. I started taking Magnesium (Magnesium Citrate is better, I just started those yesterday) and it made me stop stressing about unnecessary things and obsessing about negative thoughts! I slept better at night and my body stopped twitching A LOT. I stopped getting anxiety attacks throughout the day and would only get them maybe 30 mins each day now but I'd move on. I suggest taking 250 mg a day. Check the Magnesium deficiency symptoms cause this may solve your problems.
DIET - Your body needs a minimum amount of Carbs, Fats, and Protein to function. All this plays a role in your mood. These macronutrients are also important in developing serotonin and transferring them to your brain. Serotonin can be developed naturally, as long as you track your diet. I suggest the "myfitnesspal" app. Track the amount of grams of protein, carbs, and fat that you are taking daily. AT LEAST meet the minimum. Your brain needs this to function properly!
VITAMINS - so many of us are deprived of important vitamins. Take multivitamins and Fish Oil. The Fish Oil with Omega 3 have helped reduce my irritation and I feel less mood swings! There have been less instances where I felt derealization and not motivated. I started taking all these supplements and tracking my diet Sunday and I haven't felt it since! I used to feel it every day.
I still get anxiety attacks here and there but it's gone down to like 10%. It was at 60% a week ago. And I heard from people that it never came back even years after as long as they made sure they ate healthy, exercised, and made sure to take time off from stress. It also takes your body a long time to get your deficiencies back up to normal level and will most likely take around 3 months. So be patient. For people who has had anxiety or depression their whole life, it may be that your body just isn't as efficient when it comes to absorbing these nutrients. I know this isn't the cure for everybody but I hope this can help others. There's ton of videos and articles about this online. Friends who had anxiety were real life examples for me as they got out of it. I just don't want anyone to go through anxiety, it sucks and feels like hell. If I can help even 1 person feel better, it'd make me really happy.
Doctors don't even ask us about our diet. Neither do most therapists. That's because they don't know about Nutrition. They don't study wellness. This was an explanation by a doctor from UCLA (forgot his name) as to why we never get blood work done for our nutrients. Doctors study medicine so that's what they prescribe. CBT helped a lot for me and I think it has to be a mix of all THERAPY, EXERCISE, HEALTHY DIET, and REMEMBERING TO TAKE TIME OFF STRESS that can help you manage anxiety. Man this is long af lol, shoutout if you read this whole thing.
EDIT: I also wanna give my dog, friends, family, and coworkers a shoutout. Surrounding yourself with kind, supportive people goes a long way. People that won't think you're crazy. People that are patient and won't judge you. If you got negative/bad influence people in your life, get yourself away from them. They just make things worse. Good luck to everyone on here. Everyone is dealing with something but we'll pull through! Also if you need someone to talk to or need advice or idk whatever, just message me. I'll do my best to help you get through.
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I'm only 25, yet it is like my life has been a swirling toilet that just won't flush. [deleted]
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Want to die but afraid of leaving financial burden Anyone else worried that if they die they will have to leave even more issues for those left behind?
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To those that need a careful ear. as anyone that can track my Reddit can see im a massive and struggling depressive and many more yet i feel some people need an ear more than anything so please treat this thread as a dumping ground for your feelings. and if i can listen and help ill try as a struggling depressive myself.
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Why do I try? I just want to be good at something, but no matter how much I try, no matter how many years I put into something, I just always fucking suck. Friendships, school, hobbies, video games. I fucking suck at all of it.
Writing for five years? You still write like you're fucking 15. I can't even finish a story, and I'm so tired of trying something, putting everything into it, to get absolute trash at the end. People don't enjoy my writing, they'd never buy it. Why do I have this drive and passion inside of me for something I just straight up suck at. I'm so sick and tired of it. I've been playing guitar, learning piano, and I can't fucking do it. I want to, but my hands are the size of a seven year old's. I can't play fucking octaves, long chords, barre chords on guitar. It's painful, uncomfortable, and my hands are literally just to small, that even if I did practice more often, I'd never get it right. It'd always be fucking muted. Art? Oh no. You can see everything perfectly planned in your hand, you understand the technical side of art, but can you do it? No. You fucking can't. Fucking art classes, hours a day into drawing and painting and bullshit and you fucking suck. You can't draw a fucking person. You can't draw cartoons. You can't fucking paint past simple shapes. I'm so fucking sick and tired of being able to see everything I ***should*** do, but never being able to do it. Video games? The hundreds of hours over your lifetime or the hundred hours you've sunk into Overwatch? Nope. You still fucking suck, and you always fucking will. Because that's how my life has always gone.
Oh, well you have to be good at something? What about school? Nope, can't fucking do that. All I want is to fucking do art or music or film or photography but I'm stuck in this terrible fucking life that I chose with terrible people who hate me studying social science. I try. I really do. But I just can't sit and do the readings. I can't pick up the pencil to do the homework or study for exams. I'm an absolute failure. Friends? You mean nothing to them. They've shown you this time and time again. So, you said you were doing the right thing, by leaving them. But who the fuck are you leaving them for? That's right. Nobody. Nobody is waiting for you, or wanting you in their life. You're fucking pointless. "Obviously you're stressed and anxious, because you're writing this rant, you should really talk to someone." I have. And every single fucking time, every single fucking person, counselor after counselor, every single fucking person looks at me and wonders why I just don't try harder.
I am. I swear. I'm trying my best to get out of bed, make the doctors appointments. Trying to get away from my toxic friend group, trying to focus on school, trying to not hide the fact that I'm trans. I'm fucking trying. But, I fail. I always have. I can't win anything. I can't be good at anything. I can't even try right. I am absolutely worthless. And the worst part is, I'm so scared of dying, that I can't even fucking end it right.
And yes, I've been to the crisis center before. My friends and roommates didn't care. They barely took notice. The people at the center just made sure I wasn't about to kill myself, told me to try harder, and let me go. Didn't even ask if I needed help calling a taxi. The fucking people who are supposed to care just don't. My life is absolutely meaningless. The only people who would care if I died would be my mother and sister, and even then, I don't think they'd care for long. I think they'd be happy I wasn't there anymore, after a while. I'm not going to kill myself. I just want one thing. I just want a win. I just want something good in my life to hold onto.
| 3
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old habits i'm probably not going to try another attempt any time soon, but i'm definitely getting back into old habits. 'unhealthy' coping skills. fuck what the doctors say. she hasn't seen me in ages yet she keeps filling the damn prescriptions.
i just spent half an hour crying and cutting up my stomach and i don't regret it at all. i just wish i could do more. it's so nice not caring any more. i've been 'clean' for a while and it wasn't worth it at all. those few nice days r what's making me feel so bad rn.
i guess some ppl don't get that stupid fluff-filled happy ending. i'm just going to dump myself back into school work. maybe i can at least get all A's this semester.
| 4
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Family's making the big deal out of this Christmas thing and I'm sitting here crying Why can't they simply leave me alone
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I'm so pathetic that I can't kill myself because of finals lmao I want so badly to end it right now. My problem is that if I fuck it up, I'll spend a couple days in the hospital, and then have to face my regular life again minus the time I could've used to study. It's pathetic.
Finals are in a few days and if I'm stuck in the hospital I won't have time to study so I'll fail and fuck my life up even more than it already is. It's so hard knowing that if I fail a class it could literally determine my future. That sounds dramatic but I have some specific circumstances that basically mean if I do poorly this semester I'll be unable to go to school ever again.
And my dream career requires university.
I feel like I've tried so hard this semester, I've studied hard despite the depression, I've learned everything I could and felt confident about my knowledge and then the professors all throw curveballs on the midterms meaning I do poorly. 3 of my classes have extremely low averages because of these curveballs but I guess the profs are fine knowing they're harming (or ruining in my case) the futures of their students by doing this shit.
I'm just so tired. I have so many people who need me. My life is objectively very good but I never feel good or happy. I feel numb, but at the same time I feel this need to just end it. I don't want to feel numb. I want to feel nothing. I want to be dead.
I attempted suicide before and failed and I wish I would've died that day.
I don't think I'm cut out for life. If I can't even handle the stress of school, how am I going to go to work every single day for 8 hours? I feel like the only way I could live is to be a neet but I'm not happy doing that. I spent a year in that life because of my depression and it was horrible.
I don't think there's anyway I could ever be happy.
Does anyone else feel like this?
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what am i doing . it hurts I cut myself because I need to bleed. I need to have that control,. I punch the walls until my hands can't move because I need to imagine I am killing myself. I need to stare into the mirror so I can understand how ugly I truly am. I lie to the people around me because I need to know more than them.
I can't talk to my therapist. I can't make myself tell him things. I can't face him, if I tried to write him a letter. I am desperate to find someone I enjoy talking to. I am sixteen. I am so sad. I am sexually confused. I hate myself. I have no-one. I want someone to talk to. I want to have the feeling that someone wants to talk to me. I need someone to care about me. I don't know what to do. This is so endless. I want to die. I want it all to end. That would be so nice.
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2017 has been the hardest year for my mental health [deleted]
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Need help what antidepressants to take Stress is becoming too much to handle I've already puked several times tonight. I can't seek professional help due to the nature of my profession, I am the best at what I do, however, if I go to a counselor I will lose my career. Right now I'm taking a mixture of Lithium Orotate, St Johns Wort, L - Theanine, and HTP-5. They're not helping tonight. I'm running out of ideas. Any suggestions are welcome, for now, I will continue to drink myself a comatose and review this post once I wake up.
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I just want to talk to my friend again About 3 weeks ago my friend who had been a literal lifeline to me, said that they couldn't deal with my depression. I completely understood, I didn't want them to be dragged down because of me. But ever since then they have gone out of their way to avoid me, they won't respond to any of my messages; I just want to talk to them, I want to say I'm sorry if I ever hurt them. But I don't know how.
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I've realized recently that there isn't one person I could call if my car broke down or if I wanted to go see a movie. This shit hurts. [deleted]
| 4
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I feel like the only one who doesn't cry... [deleted]
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My car just broke down and I'm waiting on towing I have no one else to call, I'm about an hours drive from home. I tried calling my dad (he lives about 30 minutes from where I'm stranded) and he laughed at me,told me " I don't give a fuck. handle it like an adult, I'm about to go to bed. " and hung up. I don't have money for uber or a taxi. It's below freezing outside, it's snowing a lot, I'm cold and I can't stop crying .
Fuck this. Fuck my friends, fuck my family . Fuck my life.
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Share your doctor/therapist experiences I have bad anxiety/depression. I use anxiety and depression interchangeably because, for me, one seems to always follow the other.
I have always had bad anxiety. For example, my first memories are of having a panic attack in the third grade. I needed to get up and sharpen my pencil. Now I would rather starve than go to the grocery store.
I want to go to the doctor, but I don't want to be treated like a drug addict. I know this is the anxiety talking but I have had bad experiences at the doctor before. Last time I went to my doctor, I had a very painful procedure done. When I asked for pain medication, my doctor told me to take Advil. I sat up for 48 hours crying because of the pain.
Can you share your doctor (and therapist) experiences with me? Good or bad, I want to hear them all!
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Does anyone regret going on pills? Any cases where medication made matters worse? Or are you eternally thankful for your pills? I will appreciate answers from not only depressed people but all kinds of "package deal" personality disorders and such that go with depression
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I FUCKED UP I'M SO DUMB I DO THIS ALL THE TIME I LET AN OPPORTUNITY SLIP I FUCKED UP IM GONNA KILL MYSELF
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My emotions are getting numb. I have been feeling depressed for years. I've been always thinking about killing myself somewhere in my heart, then I feel I finally got better recently. But then, I noticed my emotions are numb. Sometime I think I'm doing just fine, but then I realize all I have is a little happiness and occasional fear of being ashamed, but mostly emptiness, which makes me feel I'm such a worthless being. Any thought?
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Does anyone also get that feeling when you see someone happy on the street? [deleted]
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throwaway account. I don't know if anyone will read this, or if they do even find it slightly interesting. But that doesn't really matter as i'm only writing this too truly get this off my chest.
I went to Spain to study spanish 7 months ago, met ''tis beautiful blonde girl, knew she'd be bad news but still fell for her after she tried get with me( first girl in a long time and she was truly a 10/10) i was still resilient but let things happpen.
Fast forward 6 months we're back in ireland and have been together 4 and 1/2 months. Exams on the horizon, stressed as these are our only mock tests before the tests that decide what college we'll go to. We talk less, but i want to push through that as i know once exams are over we'll return to normal but she asks for a break i say ok, two days later we decide against it.
then two weeks later( tonight) exams started in 48 hours, she texted me asking to talk tomorrow about it again, and i don't know what to do i want to fight for us but should i just let it go if i've already fought for it and it didn't work
| 3
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How? How do you keep going when you just don't want to? There is no point.
I'm working full-time I'm loosing my car, my bills can't be paid, I can't feed myself. My house is a mess and I just don't care! I want it to stop, to end. The depression isn't killing me it's the loneliness. I don't even know if I'm posting right but I'm trying but I'm just so done.
Doctor and counselor says you just find a way to live with it.
How when you don't want to live?
What used to be a rare thought is now constant
Heres to trying one more hour just one more tear
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What’s the point of my life? This is my first time posting and visiting reddit because I want to die. I don’t see the point of living, I’m 16 with acne everywhere, am short, and have shitty grades and am too shy to even talk to any girl I like. The rest of my family has phds and my sibling had all As and is now in a great college but I can’t see myself even getting into a shitty state college. I try hard then look at my grades and realize I’d rather not live another 70 years. The only enjoyment I get is from the appreciation I get at my shitty job at a local restaurant from the friendly staff. I have friends but can’t talk to any of them same with my parents. I don’t know why to do or how to end it without disappointing my family.
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Is your depression consistent? I'm just curious about this. I'm a guy who's had depression for a long time now. However my depression isn't always the same. I notice I kind of alternate feelings. I know everyone has good days and bad days, but I notice I kind of shift slow. There are times in my life during being depressed that I feel like a "normal" person. I'm perfectly happy and not down on myself in the slightest. But then I'll transition from that to periods where I'm on suicide watch 24/7. In these periods I can hardly get out of bed. And when I do I'll just mope around all day never leaving my room. I'll normally be in the conversation of "live or not to live". I'll be on one of the extremes from anywhere from a week to a couple months, but I always eventually transition to the opposite. When I'm starting to feel better, I start to think I can tackle this thing by myself. When things are going down doesn't feel there is enough therapy and support in the world to stop me from going down. Does anyone else go through the same phenomenon?
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